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UNCLE SAM AT HOME 



HAROLD BRYDGES. 




,, FEB 27 '888 



H\ 



NEW YORK 
HENRY HOLT AND COMPANY 

1888 



X 



CopyRiGHT, 1888, 

BY 

HENRY HOLT & CO. 



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b 



Ultl'MMOKD & NEIf, TROWS 

Elect rot ypern, printino and bookbinoinq coMPANr, 

New York. hew tork. 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE 

CHAPTER I. 

Wheke He Lives 7 

CHAPTER II. 
Uncle Sam's Boys 18 

CHAPTER III. 
The Family Girls; with a Disquisition on the 

American Bonnet 35 

CHAPTER IV. 
Patricians and Plebeians 49 

CHAPTER V. 

The Anglomaniac; with a Note on the Functions 

OP THE Dude 61 

CHAPTER VI. 
A Commentary on the Gospel op Relaxation . . 71 

CHAPTER VII. 

Social Atavism; or, Old Things under a New 

Name 80 

CHAPTER VIII. 

Cities and Social Sets 109 



6 CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER IX. PAGE 

A MoDEUN Race op Cyclops 123 

CHAPTER X. 
On Things in General 140 

CHAPl'ER XL 
The Profession of Politics; with a Stort op a 

Dog 160 

CHAPTER XII. 
Reciprocity in Criminals 177 

CHAPTER XIII. 
Uncle Sam's Superiority 190 

CHAPTER XIV. 

Uncle Saiu's Weakness 197 

CHAPTER XV. 
Stab-spangled Britons — and Some Others . . 215 

CHAPTER XVI. 
A Fresh Look at "Manifest Destiny" . . . 230 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



CHAPTER I. 




minister a take-down. 



WHEEE HE LIVES. 

" Map uie no maps, sir; my head is a map— a map of the whole 
world. " — Fielding. 

'YE heard that you have a fence 
round England to keep j3eople 
from falling overboard during 
the night," said one of Uncle 
Sam's boys to me, with that 
exasperating deliberation with 
which the family is wont to ad- 
I had been dilating on the gran- 
deurs of the British Empire, "whose morning drum- 
beat, following the sun and keeping company with the 
hours, circles the earth in one continuous and unbroken 
strain of martial airs," whose argosies crowd every port, 
and whose flag, unfurled in a hundred lands, is every- 
where the symbol of constitutional liberty. As I swelled 
with patriotic pride, this was the pin with which the 
representative of the biggest nation on earth pricked me. 
It is anomalous that in caricatures Uncle Sam is in- 
variably represented as lean and gaunt, while John Bull 
appears as a stout, burly giant. For Sam delights in 
bulk. He is nothing if he is not big. The biggest 
waterfall and the greatest showman on earth are his ; 



8 



UNCLE SAM A T HOME. 



and great is liis delight therein, lie is proud to have 
had the greatest tires, and the biggest swindles. The 
greatest war, the longest railroad, the highest statue, 
the largest rivers, the biggest herds of swine, the highest 
tarili and the biggest piles of grain — all are classified 
under one head. Bulk is the measure of superiority ; 
and as Uncle Sam has the biggest things in creation, he 
has no superior. 

Of course he has the biggest continent. There is no 
falling overboard there. Hear, ye peoples of the diminu- 
tive states of Euroj^e! hear a native orator descant on 
its wondrous size and beautv! 




"The {fanciest empires of ibe ^vholc world, of ancient or of 
modern limes, sink to petty provinces beside its vast dimensions. 
The whole possessions of Rome, when her goklen eagles spread 
their wings victorious from the burning sands of Africa to the 

mist clad hills of 
Caledonia, fell 
short of the im- 
mensity of our 
new - world do- 
main. Russia, 
vastest of modern 
sovereignties, 
could be lost in our half hemisphere, beyond the power of all (he 
detectives in Christendom to tind her. France, land of Napoleon, 
at the tread of whose legions but little more than a half-ceiUury 
ago all Europe trembled as if taken with a Wabash valle}^ Jvgue, 
would .scarcely overlap the single territory of Dakota; while Great 
Britiun, whose morning drum-beat sounds around the globe, would 
hardly make a fly -speck on the face of Texas or California. 

Do other lands boast of their great rivers? We could take up 
all their Niles and Thameses, their yellow Tibers, castled Rhines 
and beautiful blue; Danubes, hy their little ends, and empty them 
into our majestic Missi^sippis and Missouris, Amazons, Saskatche- 
wans and De la Platas, without making rise enough to lift im la- 



WHERE HE LIVES. 9 

diana flat-boat off a sandbar. Do they brag of their seas and lakes? 
We could si^ill all their puny Caspians and Azovs, their Dead Seas, 
Nyanzas and Maggiores, into our mighty Superiors, Michigans, 
Eries and Outarios, and scarce produce a ripple on their pebbled 
brims to wash away the cighteen-iuch ' footprints on the sands 
of time ' left by the fairy-like slipper of a St. Louis or Chicago 
girl. Do they prate of their romantic scenery? We have a thou- 
sand jewel-like lakes that would make all their vaunted Comos, 
Genevas and Killarneys hide their faces in a veil of friendly fog. 
The thunder of our Niagara drowns out the feeble murmur of 
all their cataracts, while the awful crags and canyons oi. our Yo- 
semite and Yellowstone, tlie prismatic glitter and dash of our St. 
Anthonys and Miunehahas, and the lonely grandeur of our hori- 
zon-fenced prairies, boundless oceans of billowy verdure, dwarf 
to insipidity the most famous scenes of Switzerland and Italy, 
eclipse the wonders and glories of the Arabian Nights, and defy 
all the skill of poet's pen and artist's pencil to depict the veriest 
atom of their sublimity and their loveliness. Do they prattle 
about their ^tnas and Vesuviuses? With our noses tui'ning 
somersets of ineffable contempt clear over our heads, we thunder 
forth our Cotopaxis, Popocatapetls, Chimborazos and a score of 
other jawbreakers whose very names alone are too huge for common 
tongues — (I am aware that some of the specimens of national pro- 
digiousness that I have mentioned do not just exactly belong to us 
yet; but they belong to our next-door neighbors who are not as 
strong as we are, and to our gloriously expansive Yankee spirit, 
where or what is the difference?) Do other lands and nations talk 
of their mines of jewels and gold ? Wc answer with the exhaustless 
bonanzas of California, Colorado, Dakota and New Mexico, where 
mountains of gold and silver ore challenge the skies, and where 
the ceaseless thunder of the world's greatest bullion mills resounds 
in the yet warm lair of the Rocky Mountain grizzly bear. Do 
they rave of the harvest fields of Germany and Britain, and the 
vine-clad hills of France? We show them half a hemisphere with 
soils and climates as varied as the tastes of men, and with capaci- 
ties for production as boundless as the needs of men; yielding 
eveiything cereal, vegetable, animal, textile and mineral, agricul- 
tural, horticultural, geological, zoological, pomological, piscatorial 
and ornithological, ovine, bovine, capricorniue, equine and asinine — 



10 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

(the last including most of our alleged statesmen) — that all the wants 
of all the races, tribes, kindreds and tongues of earth can ever re- 
quire. The sun in heaven, in all its grand rounds since ' the 
evening and the morning were the tirst day,' never looked down 
upon a more magniticent domain — a fresh and glorious half-world, 
grand in all its proportions and endlessly diversified, rich and 
gorgeous in all its adornments, resting like a vast emerald breast- 
pin upon the bosom of the four great oceans. It is the broadest 
land ever given to any people, the grandest and most beautiful, 
the most varied in its productions, and the most imlimited in its 
capabilities and its future." 

And responsive to this burst of true Yankee eloquence, 
the peoj)les of the earth are flying in their thousands to 
seize on all this ungarnered wealth. The gaunt New 
Englander, the long-headed Scotchman, the progna- 
thous Irishman, the fat-iiaunched Briton, the sanguine 
Spaniard, the patient Chinee, the heavy- 
footed Dutchman, with a brace of Cherokees 
^ are all pic- 

tured rush- 
^^mg wildly 
westward, to 
^ ^^ gaze on the 

Star of Empire which is fast becoming an American 
" institootion." 

A story is told of a number of Americans who, dining 
together in Paris, were dissatisfied with the patriotic 
toast as usually given — " The United States, bounded 
on the north by Canada, on the south by the Gulf of 
Mexico, on the east by the great Atlantic, and on the 
west by the broad Pacific." As an amendment one of 
them suggested ''The United States, bounded on the 
north by the North Pole, on tlie south by the Antarctic 
Ocean, on the east by the Gulf Stream, and on the west 




WHERE HE LIVES. 11 

by the illimitable ocean." Even that did not satisfy 
one of the party — a gentleman from Duluth. Said he 
grandiloquently, ^'^I propose as toast The United States, 
bounded on the north by the aurora borealis, on the 
south by infinite space, on the east by the precession of 
the equinoxes, and on the west by the day of judgment." 
The toast was drunk with an enthusiasm that rolled 
across the Atlantic, and spread over the broad face of 
Uncle Sam like a genial grin. He does like big things, 
does this avuncular relative! 

Exaggeration aside, the American continent is not 
only a marvel of immensity, but of wealth and beauty. 
None but habitual travellers and those who have lived 
long in America can form any conception of its size, and 
the majority of Americans are ignorant of its vast min- 
eral treasures and its magnificent scenery. The single 
State of Texas is as large as England, France and Ger- 
many combined. Into California, England and three 
other European kingdoms could be placed side by 
side and not overlap. Colorado, which in England 
is hardly known except in connection with the Colorado 
beetle, has nevertheless an area of 104,000 square miles 
— nearly twice the area of Turkey, which has cost Eu- 
rope so many millions of treasure and hundreds of 
thousands of men slain. New Mexico, Dakota, Arizona 
and Montana are almost terrm incognitce in Europe; 
and yet they have a total area of 531,000 square miles, 
which gives an average larger than Austria, and a total 
equal to Great Britain and Ireland, France, Italy, Por- 
tugal, Greece, Denmark, Belgium and Holland. 

The distances between cities on this vast continent 
seem incredible when placed in juxtaposition with 
European distances. The journey from New York to 



12 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

San Francisco, for example, is tliree times as long as 
that from London to Gibraltar — is, indeed, five hundred 
miles greater than from England to Quebec. Rome is 
as near to London as Chicago is to Boston. Madeira is 
170 miles nearer to Portsmouth than New Orleans is to 
New York; while Jerusalem is nearer to Kensington 
Gardens than Salt Lake City is to Boston Common. 
Buda-Pesth, AVarsaw, Stockholm, are not quite as far 
from the British metropolis as Milwaukee is from Al- 
bany; and Madrid is 150 miles nearer. The Londoner 
is separated from St. Petersburg by a less distance than 
is the Piiiladelphian from Kansas City; and he might 
go to Cairo, and thence by Tunis and Algiers to Moroc- 
co, without traversing a distance as great as that from 
the Hudson to the Sacramento. General Sherman re- 
cently stated that the northern line of defences during 
the civil war exceeded five thousand miles. This would 
make a line as great as one drawn from London across 
the channel to Paris and Vienna, through Constanti- 
nople, Asia Minor and Persia to Afghanistan, on through 
the Punjab and away down central India nearly to 
Madras. Look up your geography, friend! You will 
hardly understand such a statement without a map. 

I once heard ]\lr. Lav/rence Barrett say that he had 
crossed the Continent in three days and a half. For 
long runs A\4thout stoppage and good time the trip is 
unparalleled in the history of railway travel. The 
average run per day was equal to the distance between 
London and Naples. From New York to Pittsburgh, 
444 miles, across the Allegheny Mountains, and round 
curves that would appal a Frenchman, there was not a 
single stoppage. Passing one station on the 3300 miles 
of line, the train was five minutes behind time; at other 



WHERE HE LIVES. 13 

places twenty seconds was the greatest deviation from 
schedule time. A single engine conveyed the train 800 
miles! And all this was across mountains of such 
height and down grades so steep that travellers break- 
fast in the Sierras with twenty feet of snow around 
them; four hours later they find wheat four inches high; 
and the next day see pear and peach trees in bloom. 

The great extent of American waterways is well illus- 
trated by the following extract from a speech of Henry 
Clay, one of a past generation of great statesmen and 
orators of the New World: 

"J Sir/ said the custom-house officer at Leghorn, 
' your papers are forged ! There is no such place in the 
world ! Your vessel must be confiscated ! ' The trem- 
bling captain laid before the officer a map of the United 
States, directed him to the Gulf of Mexico, pointing out 
the mouth of the Mississippi, led him a thousand miles 
up it to the mouth of the Ohio, and thence another 
thousand to Pittsburgh. ' There, sir, is the port whence 
my vessel cleared out.^ The astonished officer, before 
he saw the map, would as soon have believed that this 
ship had been navigated from the moon." 

In early days, before the railways extended their arms 
of steel into every corner of the land, the voyage men- 
tioned by Henry Clay was a common one ; and many a 
good ship has sailed twice two thousand miles before 
reaching salt water. Nowadays ships for inland navi- 
gation are not generally constructed for ocean-sailing ; 
and freight is transhipped at sea-ports into sea-going 
vessels. But thirty years ago shijjs which had crossed 
the Atlantic sailed through the great lakes, and dis- 
charged their cargoes a thousand miles inland. And in 
a few years great ships will pass through the deep canal 



14 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

wliich is to join Lake Erie to the Ohio, and thence by 
the Mississippi into the Gulf of Mexico— a total sailing 
on fresh water of over five thousand miles. The ri\ er 
banks east of the Rocky Mountains are said to exceed 
80,000 miles, counting no stream less than a hundred 
miles in length ; while the whole of Europe has but 
34,000 miles. The Mississippi system alone affords 
35,000 miles of navigation ! 

Distance, as such, has lost all meaning in America. 
Tlie New Yorker does not say it is ll;iO miles to Bur- 
lington, Iowa, but 30 hours ; not 913 miles to Chicago, 
but 24 hours. This circumstance is very striking to a 
European, who is constantly puzzled when asking dis- 
tances by being told " six hours," or '* only a day." 
When Uncle Sam visits Europe he retains for a time 
the same mode of reckoning distances, and after achiev- 
ing the nine hundred miles between London and Rome 
as lie would the trip to Chicago, perhaps congratulates 
himself that he has " done" the Continent. A few such 
trips, however, teach him that Rouen, Paris, Geneva, 
Genoa, Venice and Florence, Avith all their wealth of as- 
sociation and historic interest, lie on the route ; and then 
he takes a more leisurely course. Distance is now not 
even reckoned by the hours required to traverse it : it is 
simply ignored. And this is why the American on the 
Continent im])resses other travellers as aifectedly de- 
spising European distances. At home he thinks nothing 
of several days' journey. He has probably crossed more 
than once to the Pacific — equal to a trip from England 
to the Gold Coast. It is only ninety hours to Denver — 
not two thousand miles, remember. So great is Uncle 
Sam's indifference to distance that he is beginning to 
regard Japan as a mere suburb of America, as he has 
long regarded Cuba and Brazil. 



WHERE HE LIVES. 15 

Herbert Spencer says that the Veddahs of Ceylon, a 
wild tribe without religion or any social bonds, are so 
simple and honest that when theft was described to 
them they did not understand it. " Why should a man 
take what is not his?" they asked with a bland inno- 
cence that implied little contact with Christian Euro- 
peans. Uncle Sam is equally at a loss to understand 
the kleptomania which European nations display in 
respect of other jDCople's territory. The international 
skurry for annexation which is ever going on, in the 
Pacific, in Africa, and in Indo- China, is totally incom- 
prehensible to Uncle Sam. Cuba, Mexico, Panama, 
the Sandwich Islands, have all offered tempting baits 
in vain. Says he, " Our farm is already too big for 
fencing stuff;" and with a shrug he leaves the struggle 
to Britons, Germans and Frenchmen. What a blessed 
thing it is to know when one has enough! The mother- 
country might here learn something from her child. 

Uncle Sam has at home the biggest store of minerals 
that Nature ever lavished on man. His coal field is as 
large as Great Britain and France combined, and con- 
stitutes about three fourths of the world's supply. Yet 
he used last year only two thirds as much as John Bull 
did. John is getting behind in some things, but he 
keeps ahead in this. In Nevada a gold and silver mine 
has been yielding a king's ransom every year since 1800. 
And some years it would have been a more important 
king than any I know of — except, perhaps, the late 
Victor Emmanuel — who would have been worth so gi-eat 
a ransom. In 1876, for instance, this Comstock lode 
yielded £2,600,000 of gold and over £4,000,000 of sil- 
ver! A single copper mine near Lake Superior has 
twice produced nearly ten thousand tons of ingot copper 



16 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME 




iner. 



in one 3'ear. The ore is 
so rich in that region that 
masses of almost pure 
metul are found in all 
sizes up to several tons. 
The Indians made weap- 
ons of it without smelt- 
Iron is found in every State, a)Kl it is worked in 
twenty-two ! Yet here, again, Eugland keeps ahead, pro- 
ducing in 1885 nearly twice as much as America. But 
Uncle Sam is •^'hurr^-ing up," as he says. He has 
nearly doubled his yearly product since 1871; and he is 
offering wagers to the world to beat every competitor 
before 1890. 

" And the rocks poured me out rivers of oil," says our 
father's brother Samuel, quoting Scripture, as is his 
wont when talking ''•manifest destiny." The rocks of 
Pennsylvania pour out seventy thousand barrels of oil 
every day ! The oil is pumped in pipes from the wells 
to the seaboard, a distance of three hundred miles. 

Then Nature, as if she could not do enough for our 
transatlantic uncle, has given him wells of natural gas 
— gas distilled in the bowels of the earth, and rushing 
to the surface with a joressure of nine hundred pounds 
to the square inch, so that engines are sometimes 
worked by direct pressure. At one well near Pitts- 
burgh the daily yield of gas is thirty million cubic feet 
— enougli to supply half London or the whole of Paris. 
Seven such wells would supply the whole of the United 
Kingdom. Shades of Watt and Humphry Davy ! 
"Would that we had such wonders in our own little 
island ! We would show the world that our manufac- 
tures, so advantaged, needed no " protection" — no 



WHERE HE LIVES. 



17 



coddling legislation. Bat Uncle Sam is weak, and re- 
quires the baby's walking- chair whicli he has had so long, 
and which has grown with his growth. Without it he 
thinks he would fall. Maybe he would, poor gentleman ! 
Crutches are not calculated to develop stout legs. 

Such is Uncle Sam's home — such the goodly heritage 
that has fallen to our father's brother. When George 
the Madman threatened, and the Hanoverian lion 
howled, Uncle Sam stood on Bunker Hill, boldly de- 
livering himself of homilies on the rights of men by 
musket and reaping-hook. At Lexington he fought the 
battle of Britons in England. He deserved something- 
good. He has got it; and we rejoice with him in his 
good fortune. 




18 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



CHAPTER 11. 



UXCLE SAM S BOYS. 




"Traffic's thy god, and tliy god confound thee." — Timon of 
Athens. 

T Christmastidc, in the 3'ear 1620, a 
babe was bom into the family of 
nations, destined to preach peace 
and good- will to men in a new 
voice. No flourish of trumpets 
sounded its advent; no glittering 
ceremonial marked its coming. 
Its cradle was as rude as that 
which sixteen hundred years be- 
fore held the Babe who first 
preached peace, personal liberty, 
and the identity of human interests the world over. 
On the 22d of December, 1620, the Maif/ower, a ship 
of 180 tons burden, landed her living cargo on the deso- 
late shores of Massachusetts. Weary and worn with a 
long voyage, anxious about the future, imi)tded with 
sickly women and children, the Puritan pilgrims bravely 
stepped into a new and unknown world, trustful in God, 
and full of faith in themselves. Looking back through 
the mists of two centuries and a half, we cannot realize 
the desolation of their position. In the midst of a nor- 
thern winter, infinitely more severe than anything ex- 
perienced in England, surrounded by savages of uu- 



UNCLE SAM'S BOTS. 19 

known character, and with nothing before them but the 
gaunt bare trees of the forest and the reach of sandy 
shore, along which the wind swept with dirge-like wail- 
ing, their condition almost makes us weep. To us the 
picture is a glorified one, as we look down the grooves 
of time at the handful of men, standing with bare heads 
that wintry day, offering to the All-father thanks for 
safe arrival and for liberty to worship Him in their own 
way. Surely had " God sifted a whole nation that He 
might send grain over into this wilderness." 

It is these brave and hardy sons of liberty who have 
given backbone to the American character. From 
them is derived the "grit," the energy, the enterprise 
of the American character. The spirit which was un- 
daunted in presence of the wilderness, the savage, and 
wild beast during that northern winter, has come down 
to descendants, and has even permeated the whole 
American people, diverse as is their origin as individ- 
uals. A typical example of American endurance and 
courage — a credit to his British ancestry — is Stanley, 
"the man who found Livingstone." Another noble 
type — a worthy follower of Franklin and Ross — is Lieu- 
tenant Greely, commander of the ill-fated expedition to 
the Arctic regions. In Commander Schley's book we 
get a narrative, simple and pathetic, which recalls Liv- 
ingstone's struggle with death, alone in Central African 
swamps, kneeling in prayer at his camp-bed: 

" Lieutenant Greely was the first man in the desolate camp at 
Cape Sabine to hear the steam-whistle of the Thetis. He told his 
companions that he had heard a steamer's whistle, but they 
thought it was only the roaring of the wind. Sergeant Long 
went out of the tent, but speedily returned with the remark that 
there was nothing in sight. Lieutenant Greely settled himself in 



20 UNCLE SAM AT UOME. 

liis sleeping-bag, but was aroused not long afterward when Lieu- 
tenant Cohvell cut down tlie tent. ' Greely, is this you?' Ibe 
gallant rescuer asked. 'Yes,' said Greely in a faint, broken 
voice, hesitating and sbulHing with his words. ' Yes — seven of 
us left— here we are— dying— like men. Did what I came to do- 
beat the best record.' 'J'hen he fell back exhausted. Lieutenant 
Greely, dying like a man, but proud of his exploit, and conscious 
that he had beaten the best record, is a noble type of American 
grit." 

In the attack itpon Vicksburg it was needful to trans- 
port troops through the bristling batteries of that Gib- 
raltar of the Mississippi. The regular crews of the 
transport steamers refused the hazardous service ; and 
General Grant called for volunteers. So eagerly did the 
soldiers respond that the commander had to cast lots 
among the crowds who offered themselves; and one Illi- 
nois boy, who had drawn the coveted privilege of expos- 
ing his life, was offered a hundred dollars in greenbacks 
for his chance. He refused the money, and held his 
jjost. 

These are the men who, in two hundred and fifty 
years, have subjugated a continent, cleared its forests, 
pierced its mountains, bridged its rivers, and built a 
network of railways and canals to aid communication 
between their thousand wealthy cities. And proud 
should England be to claim them as her children. It is 
a noble progeny. Pity that the mother and child do 
not understand each other better. 

But admirable as is American grit, it is one of those 
good things of which we can have too much. It devel- 
oped during the severest struggle with nature that man 
has ever undertaken. The original struggle has long 
since ceased, and now men are wrestling with each other. 



UNCLE SAM'S BOYS. 21 

I know of several great traders and corporations who 
have deliberately tried to crush out every one whose 
business competes with their own; and two brothers in 
New York, both wealthy, revile each other publicly: they 
are business rivals I So lierce is the competition, so in- 
tense the pressure, that it is no uncommon thing to see a 
young man's hair tinged with gray. I know one whose 
hair was slightly silvered before he was old enough to 
have a beard. Yet there is no need for all this commer- 
cial wrestling. Everybody who can and will work is well 
off. Poverty is unknown except among those who are so 
shiftless that they would be poor and miserable in Para- 
dise. The root of the evil is tlie desire of personal ag- 
grandizement. Every man's efforts are directed to his 
own well-being or that of his own family. Selfishness 
is supreme. As Dudley Warner aptly puts it, all are 
''actively engaged in acquiring each others property;" 
and the sight is not an edifying one. If half the men- 
tal effort and energy spent in trying to circumvent com- 
mercial rivals were bestowed on public affairs. Uncle 
Sam would not only have the most perfect form of gov- 
ernment, but the best working political system in the 
world. And no one knows better than he the difference 
between these two. 

Genuine Yankees such as are portrayed on the stage 
and in comic journals are growing scarce. Most persons 
have never seen one, and believe that the quaint angular 
figures, drawling nasal tones, and odd conceits ascribed 
to them are the products of the brains of novelists and 
playwrights. Nevertheless they do exist, and a writer 
in Harper's Baznr lately described one whom he met at 
Santiago de Cuba. The city is a very strange one. 
The houses and shops are so built that the walls can be 



22 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

almost entirely thrown open, while the interiors have 
courts that are unroofed and unobstructed to the sky. 
The money of the country is strange, and nothing 
about the city is familiar to an American. The Yankee 
had just landed when he spoke as follows: "Some- 
haow I can't tell when I'm indoors and when I'm 
aout. I've got a room, or soniefhin', in a hotel here, 
and I've been into it, quandary ing araound, but I could 
not tell when I was in the parlor or when I was in the 
kitchen or back yard, so l'/)i s/aiidin' aout here in the 
park not to niaJce any inistake. I started daown the 
street a minute ago, but I got afraid I might make a 
mistake and git arrested for bein' found in somebody's 
back parlor. I've got a lot of the money of the place, 
but I can't make heads nor tails of it. I took some of 
it back whar I got it, and passed it over the same coun- 
ter — so I reckon it's genuine. I could write the history 
of the place already. All I need is the dates. It was 
evidently built the year after the flood; it's been shook 
down by an earthquake, burned up by a volcano, re- 
settled, and left just as 'twas found. The whole coun- 
try is best Avhar it's been let alone. Wherever the 
people have touched it they've made a mess of it." 

I myself have met one or two specimens of the old 
Jonathan type, and I have envied them their powers of 
expression. For originality of metaphor, quaint phrases, 
rough eloquence, and a manner at once ludicrous and 
dignilied, they are incomparable. One of them speak- 
ing of a disrespectful hotel-clerk — a type now happily 
extinct — said ''he oughter be sot straddle on an iceberg 
and shot through with a streak of lightning!" I gave 
this delicious morsel to a stolid Yankee from the land 
of wooden nutmegs, expecting at least a smile. But 



UNCLE SAM'S BOYS. 23 

never a ripj^le crossed liis face as he slowly drawled: 
'' Rather rough on the cl«'k. " 

Another Yankee fresh from the country and surprised 
to find a homely dish in a Washington hotel, exclaimed 
as he sank his fork into a chicken croquette: "Gosh! 
hash!" If brevity is the soul of wit, the American is 
the funniest man alive! 

In England the term Yankee is thought to be slightly 
disjDaraging — an idea which we probably got from Con- 
federate sympathizers during the war. Another mistake 
we make is to apply the name to all Americans. The 
people of the Southern States call all Northerners, 
both east and west, " Yankees," but they disclaim the 
name themselves. The people of the Western States 
call only those living in the Eastern States, or east of 
the Hudson River, " Yankees," and these are the only 
people who acknowledge the name, and always so de- 
scribe themselves. A southern planter having business 
in Boston, asked his daughter what kind of present he 
should bring her back. "' Oh, a Yankee dude '11 do!" 
she replied with a laugh. 

In these days of national self-glorification it may not 
be out of place to recall the origin of the name Yankee. 
When the Pilgrim Fathers landed on Plymouth Rock 
the friendly Indians asked of what people they were, to 
which they replied, " English." But the red man could 
not pronounce the word, and "• Yengeese" was as near 
as he could get to it. The transition from Yengeese to 
Yankees was easy. So that the proudest name of the 
proudest section of the American j^eople is only a vari- 
ation of "English"! 

The ideal American is tall and gaunt, with promi- 
nent features, high cheek-bones, and bright sparkling 



24: UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

eyes. The ideal Englishman is one with ruddy round 
face, rotund figure, and a genial smile of contentment at 
things as they are — at least at home. It is not difficult 
to see how these ideals have arisen. The gaunt, ner- 
vous type of Englishman in whom tlie Celt predominates 
— Prof. Tyndall is a perfect example — is the one wdiose 
enterprise and restlessness have often taken him from 
home and planted him in a transatlantic environment. 
The ruddy sanguine Saxon is he who remains at home, a 
contented honest old Tory, satisfied with his condition 
as yeoman or squire, and too rooted to his beloved land 
to think of migration. But tjie one is as much an Eng- 
lish type as the other, thougji our national peculiarities 
result from a union of the two characters. It is the 
sanguine temperament that gives stability to our insti- 
tutions and solidity to our works. It is the quality that 
makes ours 

" A land of old and just renown. 

Where freedom slowly broadens down 

From precedent lo precedent." 

And it is from the nervous type that the American de- 
rives his dominant characteristics — the restlessness and 
discontent which prompt search for new and better 
methods, as of old they gave rise to political and reli- 
gious dissent. This type of Briton is the same the 
world over; but because it is more common in America, 
we have got into the habit of speaking of energy and 
onterpriso as traits peculiarly American. Yet English- 
men have lost none of those qualities wliich gave to the 
world the steam-engine, the railway, the steamboat, the 
telegraph; that first lighted our streets and homes with 
gas; that created new breeds of horses and cattle; tliat 
taught the w^orld gravitation and evolution; that in- 



UNCLE SAM'S BOYS. 25 

vented Bessemer steel, the steam printing-machine, the 
spinning-jenny, and power loom; that originated clearing- 
houses, insurance systems, Lloyds, and the penny-post; 
that discovered the circulation of the blood, and the 
value of vaccination; that gave the world trial by jury, 
and habeas corpus acts; and under Cromwell led the na- 
tions to democracy and free institutions. Englishmen 
are still great in enterprise and energy. They have made 
railways for all Europe, and are now doing the same for 
Mexico and China. They make roads in South America, 
and harbours in 8iam. Their superabundant energy runs 
over into foreign investments to the extent of 'ix hun- 
dred millions sterling. And to energy and enterprise, they 
add a quality that is none the less admirable — thorough- 
ness. It is this which gives to English work, whether 
in the Andes or in Fiji, that solidity so eloquent of per- 
manence, which has become a national characteristic. 

The greeting that Uncle Sam gives you is not of that 
clammy solemnity which the French say comes from our 
damp climate, and which gives you a forlorn feeling that 
you are only a unit among a thousand millions — a mere 
speck in the universe. He takes your hand in a hearty 
grip, calls you by name, and inquires after your health 
with a tenderness approaching anxiety, and so encour- 
ages you in the belief that your existence is a matter 
of interest outside your own family. Sam's friendliness 
and familiarity make you '^feel good," as he himself 
says. It is not the least admirable trait in his character. 
For there is no earthly reason why two particles of 
humanity which chance has brought together for a mo- 
ment, should spend that moment in revolving around 
each other without contact, each solicitous about the 



26 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



Whence and Whither of the other. That they find 
themselves in the same corner of the universe ought to 
be a sufficient basis of symijathy. Our common human- 
ity is the ground on wliieli 8am says ''Come on!'^ and 
John says "Keep off!" 

The expression "common humanity" here reminds 
me of that very common humanity on the Pacific coast, 
the lieathen Chinee. And I would add in the most em- 
phatic way, that it is not Uncle Sam who in this case 
says " Keep off!" It is that product of our British civil- 
ization, the Irish emigrant, whose vote has a value to 
the professional politician not easily stated in words. 
Kearneyism is the local name of the Anti-Chinee move- 
ment. 

The ingenuity which Uncle Sam's hoys display in 
"acquiring eacli other's property," shows itself in many 
curious forms. In advertising, inge- 
nuity rises to the level of genius. 
Never for a moment is the tourist al- 
lowed to forget that he has a liver, or 
a stomach, or chilblains. The very 
rocks proclaim the value of Skunk's 
Seaweed Bitters, and llygeia Water. 
At Niagara, while your attention is 
divided between the mighty flood and 
a pestering hackman, the moss-cov- 
ered bank at your feet invites you to 
try Blank's Little Liver Pills or 
Smudge's Kidney Invigorator. Every 
fence as you dart along the railroad 

Project for enlightening ■,■•,-, ^ ■ , ^ ,-, 

the world or gudc dowu the river extols the 

virtues of Gargle Oil. Even Liberty herself has been 
in danger; for an enterprising quack offered to build 




UNCLE SAM'S BOYS. 



27 



the pedestal iu consideration of the privilege of paint- 
ing the Statue with his advertisements. But even 
Yankee enterprise refused to sanction the desecration. 
A summer excursionist lately wrote to the Chic(i(jo dr- 
reut that in looking over the side of his canoe, he espied 
a snapping-turtle at the bottom of the lake, and on its 
horny back was 
painted the adver- 
tisement '' Gents' 
Ready-made Cloth- 
ing marked down 
Low.'^ 

The annexed cu- 
riosities are from 
advertisements of western graziers' cattle-brands. 

Here is another curiosity: 




BEAUTY FADES, like Broadway $5 suits. Cameron sells 
all-wool oues for $5. 203 Flatbush ave. 

/~^OME YE WHO LABOR aDd are heavy laden and get a 
V^ complete suit at Cameron's for $3.50. 

/CLEOPATRA'S HISTORICAL beautv is nothing compared 
V^ to Cameron's $30 nobby all-wool check suits for $8. 303 



Flatbush ave., Brooklyn. 



D 



ROP DExiD'S indestructible $8 corduroy suits are just the 
thing for country romping, $3 to $4. 



GIVE to the poor and you lend to the Lord. Diagonal pants, 
50c.; wool ones, $1, at Cameron's. 

JONAH'S PREDICAMENT in the whale was nothing com 
pared to the feelings of clothiers who pass Drop Dead's and 
see the business he's doing now. 

KING HUMBERT works from 6 a.m. to 12 p.m. Cameron 
never sleeps, studying how to give customers $3 for $1. 
203 Flatbush ave. , Brooklyn. 



28 UNCLE SAM AT HOME 



M 



ONEY is the root of all evil; 98c. of the root will buy a de- 
sirable $2.50 child's suit at Drop Dead's. 



O 



VER the hills to the poor-house is the way Broadway cloth- 
iers lead. Cameron leads to prosperity. 

PALM A H0U8E, t)2 Bowery— 50 men wanted; rooms 25c. 
per uii!,ht; all modern improvements. 

UI^m'oNEyIn^HY purse and get a $60 satin-lined 
suit for $20 from Drop Dead, Brooklyn. 

PYRAMIDS OF EGYPT are commonplace to the all-wool 
youths' suits at Drop Dead's for $2.50. 

HAT'S THE MATTER with your hands? It's the dye 
from a New York $5 suit. Why, I yot one from Drop 
Dead for $2.50, and it don't fade like that'." 

Ill the windows of city bar-rooms the eye of t!ie 
stranger is frequently caught by the aimouncemeut 
" Free Hot Lunch, all day." If he enters he will prob- 
ably be invited to take a bowl of soup or chowder — soup 
made of fish or clams — while temptingly displayed along 
the counter are bread and cheese, ham, sardines, loicklcs, 
corned beef, perhaps pickled oysters. I have seen 
twenty different dishes so displayed, including the costly 
caviar; and the guest is at liberty to help liimself to any 
or all. This is another kind of advertisement. The 
San Francisco free lunch is really a first-class repast; 
and is in great favor. I have seen it stated that the 
free lunches served isi the saloons of New York cost 
nearly tw^elve million dollars a year. It would be inter- 
esting to know how the estimate was obtained. 

Here is an example of American ingenuity in another 
line, copied from a Pittsburgli paper: 

" Dalton, Ga., Jan. 1. — Edward Pickens and Jennie Allen 
eloped on Wednesday niirht. Tiiey had no license, and the bride 
wa.s under age, but these dllhculties were surmounted by the 



UNCLE SAM'S BOYS. 29 

♦ 

pastor, Silas Jasper, who bad been requested to perform tbc cere- 
mony. At his suga:eslion the party went to a point where the 
counties of Gihner, Gordon and Murray join, and with each party 
standing- in a different county and the preacher astraddle of a 
county line the ceremony was performed. The question now is 
which county has jurisdiction of the case." 

I read a short time ago in a Florida paper of a local 
judge who, being arrested and locked up while intoxi- 
cated, called for pen and paper when he got sober, and 
issued a writ of habeas corpus directing the sheriff of 
the county to bring the body of himself before himself 
as a Judge; and on the perplexed officer's refusal to obey 
the mandate, fined him for contempt of court. If the 
sheriff had had the usual humour of Uncle Sam's boys, 
he would have refused to pay the fine, so that he might 
commit himself in default to his own jirison. In this 
way he might have amused his district by a judicial 
complication as funny as that which Gilbert's Lord 
Chancellor outlined in luhn/fir'. 

This ingenious judge reminds me of another judge 
who "got badly left" by an ingenious negro. The fol- 
lowing is the story, told in the quaint language of one 
of the actors: 

" As we got into South Carolina we were joined by a judge from 
Pittsburgh. I forget just what court he was judge of, but he had 
been travelling South for his health, and had just figured up that he 
had paid out twenty -five dollars in fees to waiters, and was mad al! 
the way through. He vowed by his baldness that he wouldn't jiay 
out another red cent, and we encouraged him as hard as we could. 
When we went up to the hotel the landlord gave us a big room 
with three l)eds in it. A big negro brought the trunks up, and 
when he was ready to go the judge called to him and began: 
' Colored person, stand up ! Now I want to say to you that I shall 
expect prompt service without fees. You have brought up my 
trunk; that's uU right — it was your business to. I shall want 



30 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

water, and I may want a tire, and I shall probably ask you to go 
of errands, but if you even look fees at me I'll throw you out of 
the window!' We were there two days, and the waiter was vigi- 
lant, humble and willing ; but as we made ready to depart the 
morning of the third, in comes a constable with a warrant to arrest 
the judge for threats of personal violence. It liad been sworn out 
before a justice ten miles away, and the complainant was the first 
negro waiter. It took the two of us to hold the judge down on 
his back during his paroxysm, and when he had cooled off a little 
the negro slipped into the room and said: ' White man, stand up I 
Now I want to say to you dat a five-dollar bill will settle dis yer 
case jist as I feel now, but if you goes to calliu' names, or pullin' 
hair, or kickin", I'll stick fur twenty five dollars! Dat justice am 
my own brudder, and he's jist achiu' to send some white man ter 
jail fur six months!' We sat on the judge again for about 
twenty minutes, at the end of which time he handed over the 
amount and was pronounced sane." 

Wlien Matthew Arnold first visited America, to shed 
on Uncle Sam a benign effulgence 
of sweetness and light, his hyper- 
sensitive soul was often vexed by 
the Philistinism which is inevitably 
associated with great material de- 
velopment. Here is a bill of fare 
which is said to have caused the 
sage so much pain "on board ^' a Western train: 

CHICAGO & ALTON R. R. 

TRAIN LUNCH. 

BiLi. OF Fare. 

" Tho' wc eat little flesh and drink no wine, 
Yet, let's be merry; we'll h.-ive tea and toast, 
Custards for supper and endless host 
Of sandwiches and jellies and mince pies 
And other such ladylike lu.xuries. — SfieUey. 

COFFEK, WITH CUEAM, lOC, 

■■ ColTee which makes ihf iioliticiaii wise. 
And sc-e thro' all things with his half-shut eyes.''— Pope. 




UNCLE SAM'S BOYS. 31 

Rolls, 10c. 

" Hot or cold, white or brown, but all as sweet 
Ami dainty as you'd surely wish to meet." 

Ham Sandwich 10c. 

" An essay, a taste of heaven below." — Waller. 

Tongue Sandwich, 10c. 

" The delig.it of old and 3-oung. ' — Swift, An Echo. 

Pie, 10c. 

•• \Vlioll dare deny the truth: there's poetry in xiieV—Longfelloir. 

Milk, per Glass, 5c. 

" He drank of the milk ioaining fresh from the cow."— T. D. English. 

" Serenely full, the epicure would say, 

' Fate cannot harm me, I Lave lunched to-day ' " 

— Sydney Smith. 

Hard-working and ingenions boys are the sons of 
Uncle Sam. Less work and more play is what they 
want: not so ingenious but more ingenuous, they would 
make better citizens and happier fathers and husbands. 
It is a trait of undeveloped races that they are incapable 
of prolonged effort, especially when the reward is remote. 
In America men seem to have been overdeveloped, and 
to have gone to the opposite extreme. Their applica- 
tion is unceasing. The savage works only when the 
reward is visible and immediate: the American works 
even after he has secured the object of his labour. It is 
unfortunate that it is not the custom 
in America, as it is in England, for ■' -^^J 
a business man to retire after attain- '^^^i 
ing a competency. This would make tl^ 
room for other men, and reduce com- '^ 



petition. But in America if a man 
makes a fortune in one business, he often goes into 
something else, and aims at success in that. Americans 
are beginning to regard mere commercial success as the 
standard of a man's value to his country, forgetful 




32 U^CLE SAM AT HOME. 

that nnder conditions of such keen competition as now 
prevail one man's success often means another man's 
faihire. 

There is still a good deal of quiet satire indulged in 
by Uncle Sam's boys when they speak to an Englishman 
about the Revolution. At the Centennial Exhibition 
the occasion lent itself to this kind of humour, and, with- 
out abating their characteristic politeness and hospital- 
ity, the Americans made it slightly uncomfortable for 
some Englishmen who remain sensitive on the subject 
of British prestige. I have just been reminded of this 
by re-reading in Fischel's EngU?<h Constifufion that, 
despite the king's intention, the war was brought to a 
close by "a resolution of the Commons, March 4, 1783, 
declaring that ' all those who should advise the con- 
tinuance of the American war were to be treated as 
enemies to the king and country.' *' I quote this ancient 
item to help to rectify the confusion which still exists 
in the minds of some of Uncle Sam's boys concerning 
the popularity of this war. 

At the completion of the Statue of Liberty there was 
a ^ood deal of talk about the brotherhood of men in 
general and republicans in particular; 
and some very acute Yankees exemplitied, 
as their grandfather had done before 
them, that it is easy for Uncle Sam to 
mistake French Anglophobia for love of 
the abstractions — liberty, fraternity and 
. equality. The mistake is excusable, for 
- the French constantly make it them- 
selves. At the time when Franklin was being feted 
in Paris, and Lafayette was tighting the battles of en- 
slaved Americans, the condition of Frenchmen living 




UNCLE SAM'S BOYS. 33 

under Frenchmen was infinitely more degraded than 
that of the Boston men who threw the tea overboard. 
The Bastile still stood, the symbol of despotism; and 
the sound of the cheers that greeted the American rep- 
resentatives passed through its barred windows to the 
unjudged captives within. Outside the city, peasants 
dared not weed their crops for fear of disturbing the 
young partridges; while limitations were imposed upon 
the use of manures, lest the flavour of the game killed 
and eaten by nobles should be injuriously affected. A 
hundred and fifty years after Cromwell, French workers 
were forced into the marshes at night, to beat the frogs 
into silence, because the lady of the seigneur was ill; 
and the great lord sold to the wretched peasant permis- 
sion to crush his handful of wheat between two stones! 
If charity begins at home, what a golden opportunity 
was missed by Lafayette and the other young noblemen 
of France, when they undertook to vindicate the rights 
of man against hereditary despotism on American soil 
instead of in their own loved land! 

The Americans were lately told that they ought to be 
for ever truly grateful that they are essentially British. 
This is like saying that an orange ought to be for ever 
truly gi-ateful that it is not essentially a cocoanut. Of 
course Americans are of English stock; but no one is to 
thank for that any more than any one is to thank that 
we are not all Chinese or Bosjemans. No one could 
have made it differently. If the Americans had not 
been of English origin, they would not have been 
Americans. Their country might have been filled with 
Mexicans, Greasers, French half-breeds, but not with 
Americans, — Yankees, as we call them, with all the high 
qualities which the name connotes — the inherited love 
3 



34 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

of frocdom, energy, enterprise and ability of the Eng- 
lish, intensified by a new environment. Contrast the 
devout, stnrdy, independent Puritans with the first 
colonists from S2:>ain and France, whose only legacy to 
America is a degenerate race of half-breeds. Compare 
Quaker Penn's treatment of the Indians with the treat- 
ment which has exterminated the ancient Mexicans and 
Peruvians, and destroyed tlieir hign civilization. The 
difference in character shown by the contrast is the 
difference between the grandsons of Englishmen in the 
United States and the men Avho might have occu]:)ied 
their place. And it is this difference that has made 
America. To be grateful that New York and San Fran- 
cisco are not the squalid camps of French and Spanish 
half-breeds, is like being thankful that the laws of 
gravitation are as they are, and that men, when they 
slip, fall down and do not fall up, into infinite space! 



THE FAMILY 0IRL8. 



35 



CHAPTER III. 

THE FAMILY GIELS, WITH A DISQUISITION ON THE 
AMERICAN BONNET. 

" Thou living ray of intellectual fire." — Falconer. 




S Boston City is the un- 
disputed hub of the 
universe, so the Boston 
girl is the unquestioned 
centre of every female 
virtue, attraction and 
accomplishment. This 
sounds like an axiom, 
and it is one. The 
Boston girl shines in 
the social firmament as 
Venus in summer skies. Her brilliancy gives a shadow 
to everything it falls upon. Other stars, even those of 
first magnitude, wax faint and dim when she sheds her 
pure white light on mankind. America has much to 
be thankful for, but for nothing so much as for the 
Boston girl. 

The Boston girl is as peculiar to the Hub as is Bun- 
ker Hill or Bsacon Street. She is the product of an 
intellectual atmosphere so rare that ordinary girls wilt 
and wither in it, and become strong-minded female 
suffragists with corkscrew curls and goloshes. She 



36 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



is the brightest and prettiest creature that ever bathed 
in the sunlight of knowledge. She is a very humming- 
bird in beauty, a dove in gentleness, an owl in wisdom, 







A very humming-bird in beauty. 



and a swallow in physical motion. She is — but let me 
specify: 

All studies, from ecclesiastical history to the theory 
and practice of the banjo, come within her range. 
Equally expert at composing a bonnet or a sonnet, she 
is likewise at ease when discoursing on the morals of the 
ancient Huns or the domestic habits of the Bosjemans. 
Biology, Psychology, Sociology come to her as naturally 
as Huylers candy and coquetry to other girls. In 
the giddy whirl of the dance she will look up into your 
face with a soul-entrancing gaze that is peculiarly 



THE FAMILY GIRLS. 37 

Bostonian, and whisper: *' What do you regard as the 
real bases of Schopenhauer's ethics?" You softly con- 
vey to her the desired information; while the fragrant 
odours from her breastplate of flowers float up and 
make you feel that Mahomet was inspired when he 
made houris in green silk the attraction to Paradise. 
" What do you consider the best test of the authenticity 
of a Mexican chalchiliuith 9" Again you respond; and 
so throughout the dance. Under the charm of the 
Boston girl the waltz becomes an intellectual exercise, 
and the polka the intercommunion of sympathetic 
souls. 

Lest the reader should think my faint eulogy of the 
Boston girl overdone praise, I beg to quote the testi- 
mony of an observant writer who says: 

" I sat between a couple of them the other night at that same 
symphony concert, and came home in a sort of daze as to how 
any two creatures couid know so much about so many things and 
carry it all off so easily under that graceful garb of simplicity and 
unaffectedness which fits the Boston girl as if it were made to 
order. They knew the special style of every man in the orchestra, 
from the leader, Listemann, to dear, departed Lichtenburg, of 
happy memory; they could tell if the oboe fell a sixteenth part of 
a half tone from the pitch, or if the furthest kettledrum was 
snared an infinitesimal atom too tightly. When the andantino of a 
Tschaikowskj' concerto was fainting away in a strain of delicious 
sweetness that you or I would as soon think of analyzing as an 
echo from Paradise, it reminded one of 'that staccato study of 
Rubenstein;' when the andante confuoco began it recalled to the 
other something of Brahms. They discussed the relative merits 
of the Lang school and the rival clique with a discriminating 
justice that would not have shamed Solomon; they gossiped in 
German and translated the French song on the programme; they 
spoke of one woman's back hair as ' a study,' and another 
woman's bonnet as ' a daisy,' so that they were human after all. 




38 UNCLE BAM AT HOME. 

They knew the genealogy of every one in the hall, which is an- 
otlier essentially Boston accomplishment; and I found out in 
the pauses for intermission and breath that they hammered brass 
■work, wrote essays, painted in oil, read Wagner's music at sight, 
went to the theatre every other evening, kept up an intimate 
acquaintance with five hundred friends, and had their own ideas 
on the subject of housekeeping. And 
yet, I give you my word of honor, 
they looked as prett}' and as artless 
and as quiet as if they had not 
two thoughts in their two heads; 
and, although they whispered a great 
deal, they managed to do it without 
disturbing any one but myself, who 
rather enjoyed it. For, thank Heaven, 
their voices were free from the usual 
American shrillness. You think, perhaps, that I have been 
sketching an isolated type? My dear friend, my style is as 
plenty as peas on the Fourth of July." 

Yet withal, the Boston girl is so modest of her intel- 
lectuality that she has been known to put paper covers 
on her Balzac, Lessing or Kant, in the originals, and 
ostentatiously label them ''Called Back"! 

AVhen the telephone joined Chicago to New York, 
the first words that passed along the wire were: " Is it 
true that Chicago girls have big feet ?" A pause. 
Then, sad and low came the answer: "Alas, it is!" 
And so it is, if journalists' statements, reiterated a 
thousand times a week, are to be trusted. But journal- 
ists' statements are not to be trusted — in America. 
Newspaper writers there have been classified by one of 
themselves into liars on space, and liars on salary. As 
a matter of fact, Chicago girls have not big feet. 
Neither have the girls of St. Louis, though cverv liar 



THE FAMILY OIBLS. 



89 




on sjjace and time from Babylon to Yazoo City says 

they have. The reader 
will remember that even 
that spread-eagle orator 
quoted in the first chap- 
ter could not resist the 
temjjtation to allude to 
" the eighteen - inch 
' footprints on the sands 
of time ' left by the fairy- 
like slipper of a St, 
Louis or Chicago girl." 
Gentle reader, this is an 
_ exaggeration. The fairy- 
slipper incases a fairy foot, and that supports a fairy 
form. For all American girls, whether Bostonians, 
Chicagoans or St, Louisians, hailing from the Monu- 
mental City or from Oshkosh, are bright, pretty and 
graceful, without pedal deformity or abnormal digits. 

I have sometimes thought that American men are 
unable to appreciate the glorious girls of the EeiDublic, 
Engrossed in business pursuits, ever engaged in the 
mad race which has for prize the omnipotent greenback, 
the average American man is intellectually the inferior 
of the average American woman. Of course he is 
quick and clever at his business. That is as needful to 
his survival as fleetness is to a deer which lives where 
beasts of prey abound. But in the gentle arts which 
make up the brightness of life, the American man is 
generally inferior to his sister or his wife. She can 
chat with you about anything, from the exorbitant 
charges of the English tailor in IS^ew York to the 
evidences of the nebular hyjiothesis; and this with a 



40 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



piquancy that is irresistibly attractive to a Briton. 
At the Tower of London a small cannon is shown which 
was taken at Bunker Hill. A party of Americans were 
looking at the gun while a sergeant related its history. 
" Yes," said a lady, ^'you've got the cannon, but I guess 
we've got the hill." As a patriotic epigram this would 
be hard to beat even by a Boston girl. The brother or 
husband will "talk shop" if you understand it, or 
express a strong opinion on the last unnavigable addi- 
tion to the American navy. But in art, music, litera- 
ture, he is conspicuously deficient. This is probably a 
reason why journalists delight to ridicule the Boston 
girl: male readers buy the paper and laugh at the absurd 
intellectuality of Avomen. As these same women are to 
be the mothers of future American men, we may confi- 
dently hope that the next generation will not despise 
mental activity in females, and may even encourage it in 
men. President Cleveland's sister, contemplating some 
such ideal, exclaims: "What a world of enjoyment and 
improvement would spring up! How Athenian would 
Yankee life become! A 8ocrates 
at every doorway, an Asjjasia — 
without Aspasia's rej)roach — at 
every tea-urn, full of discourse 
that would exclude the weary 
pettiness of thoughtless talk." 

Notice that Aspasia is here 
the ideal — not Xantippe. The 
virago, indeed, has little scope 
for development in a land where 
a divorce can be promptly obtained, without scandal or 
publicity, for incompatibility of temper, or "for such 
other causes as the court in its discretion may deem 
sufficient." 




THE FAMILY GIRLS. 41 

So much lias been said of the Boston girl that the 
reader may not unnaturally conclude that the Hub is 
not only the centre of female intellectuality, but the 
perij)hery as well. This, however, is not the case. Men- 
tal activity is filling the gap in women^s lives made by 
the commercial engrossment of men; and this extends 
from Massachusetts to California. Indeed, as one 
moves westward, one finds men's mania for dollars 
ever growing more frantic. It is an admirable trait 
in American women which leads them to fill lonely 
hours with worthy pursuits. Indianapolis is thought 
of by English people as being in the backwoods, far 
from civilization. Even by eastern Americans it is 
looked down upon, and the inhabitants slightingly 
spoken of as Hoosiers. Here are the heads of a few sub- 
jects discussed in the session of 1885-188G at the In- 
dianapolis Woman's Club: 

Our Southern Stories and Story tellers, by May Louise Ship; 
A Symposium on the Puritans — In Literature, by Elizabeth 
Cleland; In Politics, by Arabella C. Peelle; In Social Life, by 
Janet Douglass Moores; — John Milton, by Margaret V. Marshall; 
A Study of Paradise Lost, by Elbizaeth Nicholson; Conversation 
on the man Milton as shown in his Woi'ks, led by Catharine 
Merrill; Sir Christopher Wren and his Monument, by Marga- 
retta Elder; The Cartoons of Raphael (illustrated), by Harriet 
McI. Foster; Cavalier Songs (illustrated), by Nannie I. New- 
comer; Conversation on the Women of the Time — The Queen; 
the Princess; the Court Beauty; the Brave Wife; the Good 
Daughter; the Literary Woman; — The Stuarts as Authors, by 
Martha H, Bond ; The Royal Society, by Flora McDonald 
Ketcham; Conversation on Literary Patronage, led by Sarah 
Wallace ; Wit and Wisdom of Fuller, by Eliza O. Wiley; 
Jeremy Taylor, by Amanda W. Wright ; " The Country Par- 
son," by Kate a. Winters; Nature and Poetry, by Jennie T. 
Hendricks; The Decay of the Drama, by Eliza C. Bell; Con- 



42 UNCLE SAM AT HOME 

versation on Histrionic Art, led by Marie Louise Bright; Victor 
Hugo, by May Wright Sewall; Conversation, led by Helen B. 
Hohnau; " Comus Crowned," by Julia D. Butler; The Regicides 
and their Fate, by Mary Harrison McKee; Conversation on Super- 
stition Now and Then, led by Mary Stewart Carey; Scottish 
Bards and Ballads, by Mary A. E. Woollen; Celtic Element in 
English Literature, by Ellen F. Thompson ; Conversation on 
National Characteristics of Wit; John Dryden, by Harriet Noble; 
Conversation on Consistence in Change, led by Mary E. N. Carey; 
George Elliot, by Mary A. McGregory; Conversation on Ano- 
nymitj', led by Hannah G. Chapman. 

De Tocqiieville, speaking of Americans, said: ''If I 
,^ were asked to Avhat cause 

I think the singular pros- 
perity and growing power 
of this people should be 
attributed, I should answer, 
'To the superiority of their women. '^' 

The personal relations of men and women in America 
are in many respects unique. The sex is awarded great 
liberty from the earliest age, and this induces an inde- 
pendent bearing which is in attractive contrast with the 
timid, unreliant manner often seen in Europe. As a 
result, the men seem more chivalrous than those of any 
other nation — for chivalry is compatible only where the 
sex is allowed great freedom. A woman may travel 
alone from Maine to Mexico, not simply without moles- 
tation, but everywhere receiving acts of kindness from 
her male fellow-travellers. If she gets into a crowded 
street-car, some man invariably oft'ers her his seat, while 
he rides for the rest of the way hanging on to the roof- 
straps, and bumping against the knees of the seated 
passengers at every curve and stoppage. The American 
excels as an indulgent husband — so I have been told by 




THE FAMILY 0IRL8. 



4'i 



English girls who have married Uncle Sam's boys. 
American women themselves are not unappreciative of 
the high quality of American husbands, though many silly 
girls are found willing to marry some European fitznoo- 
dle with a title. " Let me see, dear, what is Clara's 
fiance baron of ?" asks the proud prospective mother- 
in-law of a title. " Bar 
ren of funds!" growls ' 

paterfamilias, who had 
to supply the dot. 

This dot, by the way, 
becomes an object of in- 
terest even to the gov- 
ernments of some Euro 
pean countries. If an 
American girl is unfor- 
tunate enough to fall in 
love with the uniform of 
a German or French 
officer, she must furnish 
a dot of ten or fifteen 
thousand dollars before 
she can marry it. And 
while she is doing this 
under the immediate di- 
rection of the European 
Minister of War, her 
family and home - sur- 
roundings in America 
become objects of dip- 
lomatic interest to the Minister of Foreign Affairs. If 
the dot is forthcoming, and if investigation of the sup- 
pliant's family and personal history has revealed nothing 




It becomes hers. 



44 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



to make her unworthy of the high honour she aspires to, 
tlie uniform is brought out, and after an appropriate 
ceremony it becomes hers. If she or her English cousin 
marries a Frenchman of any degree, she is liable to re- 
pudiation after a while — except she notifies her mar- 
riage to a French consul or some other government 
official of authority. These are facts which it would be 
well for the publishers of Baedecker and Murray to put 
into their guide-books. They are much more important 
to American girls than the circumference of the tower 
at Pisa or the height of the Trocadero. 

A couple of years ago a professor in Vassar College 
stated that the number of pu^jils in the institution was 
little more than half what it was in 1875. '' The trou- 
ble is," said he, " that Vassar has become a thing to 
poke fun at. Half the jokes about girls are put upon 
Vassar students. Their doings are ridiculed, exagger- 
ated, falsified, and the very uame of 
V . Vassar is a synonym for feminine 
-f foolishness. The consequence is that 
;'> girls are beginning to dislike to go 
there. I would not be surprised if 
"^ the college were closed in five years. 
^_ The newspaper paragraphists will 
have done it."' I cannot believe that 
a result so deplorable could have such 
a trivial and absurd cause. That a 
great institution, celebrated through- 
out the world, could be closed by the 
gibes of a needy penny-a-liner is as 
incredible as that a Cunarder should 
founder by collision with a jelly-fish. 
Amongst some things by which Uncle 8am's girls 




m-^ 



A graceful pose. 



THE FAMILY GIRLS. 45 

show their good sense is a corsage which allows free 
play to the lungs. Wasp-waists, the pride of many Eng- 
lish girls, are conspicuously absent in America. The 
result is a graceful pose and easy carriage altogether in- 
compatible with tight-lacing. In this particular Fashion 
would do well to cross the Atlantic eastward, instead of 
to the west as she usually does. Curiously enough, an 
American manufacturer advertises '^Her Majesty's Cor- 
sets." What are they? 

But the English girl displays better sense in her 
choice of boots. Broad soles and fiat heels are in 
favour with most of the daughters of Albion; while 
American girls often affect the French chaussure, 

with high curved 

heels placed near the -- '„---r;r -'-,.- ' ■* 

middle of the sole, 
and as little like the c^-^^-i?/^ 
human foot as a dress- 
maker's model is like 

the Venus tie' Medici. 

Still this fashion is 

rapidly giving way to the English style. Two or three 
years ago an American girl with comfortable-looking 
boots was a rare sight; and the improvement has already 
manifested itself in the increased exercise which Uncle 
Sam's girls now take. 

In several of the extensive valleys of California, where 
the climate is equable and moist, there is rapidly develop- 
ing a race which in appearance is an exact counterpart 
of the English people. Ruddy complexions and ample 
forms give the people the appearance of having lately 
arrived from Kent or Sussex. If Uncle Sam's girls 
generally added the fresh clear complexion of an Eng- 




46 UNCLE SAM AT IIOMK. 

lisli girl to their numerous other charms, there would 
be a stampede of men from Europe for wives. Only 
two things would then be wanting to make her at once 
fit for Paradise: a pair of wings and a softer voice. 
The Boston girl often has a voice of un-American sweet- 
ness. Her sisters in other towns invariably speak in such 
loud tones, that it takes a Briton a long time to get 
acclimatized. 

Those who have been taught that American women 
are tall and gaunt, like the schoolmistress of amateur 
theatricals, will be surprised to find how many fine 
buxom matronly women there are in eastern cities. In- 
deed, Americans themselves are expressing surprise at 
the change — for such it is. A few years ago. I am told, 
American matrons looked as ill-fed as some of the care- 
worn business men look now; but at present they suffer 
no lack of that healthy adipose tissue which gives ampli- 
tude to the figure and geniality to the face. As the struggle 
M"ith nature — or rather with each other — becomes less 
keen, we may expect similar changes in the physique of 
American men. The jolliest among them have already 
acquired a pleasing rotundity of figure. May their 
shadows never grow less! 

As a bonnet is to the female mind the physical expres- 
sion of every happy emotion, the embodiment of all 
poetry and beauty, the crystallized result of ages of sen- 
timent, and the highest product of feminine ingenuity, 
I have left all mention of it to the last as the boy leaves 
the most savory morsel of his dinner — "that he may 
have a good taste in his mouth." Though n description 
of a bonnet is more ditficult to write than the descrip- 
tion of a battle, or an essay on Dolichocephalic Crania 



TUE AMERICAN BONNET. 



47 



and their owners, it is clear that any chapter on Uncle 
Sam's girls would be incomplete without some notice of 
their bonnets. For the American bonnet is of a very 
unusual kind. In the first j^laco it is bigger than its 
Eurojjean prototype. As tbe English hare has acquired 
great size, strength and fleetness since its transportation to 
Australia, so the European bonnet has advanced to per- 
fection in America, 
There it has reached 
the acme of size 
and of elaboration of 
parts. It rises from 
the curl-crowned 
brow in majestic 
height, a fitting cap- 
ital to so glorious a 
columii. But its 
greatness is not with- 
out inconveniences. 
*' Madam, if you 
would kindly remoY(> 
your hat, I should 
be able to see the 
stage," remarks a Tiie .•ifme of size, 

gentleman at the theatre to a young lady who is in front 
of him. No reply. " Madam, I cannot see anything 
at all on the stage." No reply. " Madam, if you don't 
remove your hat, you'll be sorry." Still no reply. The 
gentleman deliberately puts on his own hat — a heinous 
otfence in any room where ladies are. " Take olf 
that hat, take off that hat!" immediately resounds 
through the theatre. The young lady, in great con- 
fusion, instantly removes her bonnet, and the gentle- 




48 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



man behind her settles down complacently to enjoy the 
play. 

Not only does the American bonnet excel in size: its 
shape is as varied as the feats of a contortionist. Spiral, 
circular, triangular, quadrangular, orbicular, cunei- 
form, fusiform, dendriform, curviform, polygonal, mul- 
tilateral, elliptical, vaulted, hooked, conchoidal, heart- 
shaped, bell-shaped, pear-shaped, oblique,^ flat — every 
form to which there's a name, and many forms to 
which there are none, does this mystifying head-gear 
assume. Ribbons, flowers and feathers are arranged 

over, round and un- 







der it in labyrinthic 
disorder. To a man 
it ajipears as confused 
as a sermon in a 
strange tongue; to a 
woman as coherent 
and orderly as the 
same sermon to a na- 
tive. It is like one 

At a Bonnet Show. of tllOSB mystcrieS 

which, while puzzling half the world, the other half 
calls an '*^ism," and then thinks it knows all about it! 



PATRICIANS AND PLEBEIANS, 



49 



CHAPTER IV. 

PATEICIANS AND PLEBEIAISTS. 

" My shield is Or, sir, and the arms I bear 
Three mushrooms rampant ; motto, Here we are." 

Thorold Rogers. 




HE Republic of America is a vast 
hive of industry. Every honest 
man in the community is en- 
gaged in some gainful occupa- 
tion. Such idlers as exist are 
of a very different type from 
those who in Europe eat up so 
large a shai-e of the produce of 
the workers. The difference has been well indicated by 
an American lady, who was commiserated on the ab- 
sence of an aristocratic class, " who have no occupation 
and go about from place to place enjoying themselves, 
you know!" "Oh." said she, "we have such persons, 
but in America they are called tramps." 

Uncle Sam has the biggest farm and workshop in the 
world. His farm comprised in 1880, 837,628 square 
miles — an area greater than the United Kingdom, 
France, Germany, Austria, Hungary, Holland and Bel- 
gium collectively. This mighty farm is divided amongst 
four million of Uncle Sam's boys, giving an average of 
134 acres to each. Its value is estimated at two billion 



50 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 




The American Aristocracy 
(Noue oilier genuine). 



sterling. Its yearly produce is worth £1,106,270,000. 
His grain-field, exclusive of cotton, tobacco and the 

like, is greater than 
the whole of Spain, 
or half as large 
again as England, 
Ireland and Scot- 
land. His hay-field 
covers an area as 
large as Portugal 
and Belgium; while 
he gathers cotton 
from plantations as 
large as Holland. 
How little some of 
the kingdoms of Europe seem in the light of such a 
contrast! His potato-fields, sugar-brakes and tobacco- 
plantations would hide many of the old-world monarchies 
beyond the power of their kings to find them again. A 
great landowner is Uncle Sam! 

Mulhall says that the farmers of Red River, Minne- 
sota, can send their grain for VZd. a bushel to New York, 
or lod. to Liverpool (say 4700 miles); while the citizens 
of Athens pay 36r/. a bushel from Marathon, a distance of 
only 15 miles.* The full importance of this fact is seen 
only when placed by the side of another, also borrowed 
from A[ulhall: ISTearly one third of the grain of the 
world is grown in America! Truly the world would go 
ahungered without America. Malthus did not take 
the Republic into account when he made his famous 
calculations. 



* Balance sheet of the World, page 14. 



PATRICIANS AND PLEBEIANS. 51 

With live-stock, too, the national farm is supplied in 
projiortion to its great size. For every sheep, cow or 
horse in the United Kingdom Uncle Sam has ten. 
His twelve and a half million horses would make a 
double iirocession from America to Egypt. If his 48 
million mules and asses, oxen and cows, joined the 
ranks, the procession would be equal to the journey from 
London to Sydney, thence across the Pacific to Valjja- 
raiso, and through South America to Eio. If the proces- 
sion were augmented by his 45 million sheep and 57 
million pigs, the ends would overlap after twice putting 
" a girdle round the earth." 

Uncle Sam's workshop is on an equally gigantic scale. 
Sixty millions of people live within the limits of the 
United States, and a big workshop is required to keep 
them all supplied with boots, clothes, houses, furniture, 
railways, and all the other essentials to nineteenth-cen- 
tury happiness. England was the workshop of the 
world a few years ago, and headed the nations as a 
manufacturer. This honourable position she has had to 
resign to her precocious child. It is difficult to compare 
the relative positions of the two countries in this ]mr- 
ticular, because the American returns include as manu- 
factures the products of the corn-mill, the slaughter- 
house, and the forest. But the estimates of British 
manufactures as recorded in 188"i are nearly three hun- 
dred million sterling less than those of Uncle Sam in 
1880. The number of workers in the census j^ear was 
more than seventeen and a quarter millions, or 34*G8 
per cent of the Avhole population. That is, one person 
in every three, including Avomen and children, was at 
some gainful work. 

In America many kinds of work are open to women 



52 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



^-^^-^- 



Tvliich are closed to their sisters in Europe. The half- 
million women- workers in 1880 included nearly three 
thousand barbers, three hundred 
journalists, seventy -five lawyers, 
two thousand four hundred physi- 
l^^ .. .^^' ' ; oians, one hundred and sixty-five 
yM' - tf jiii^itiki preachers, and over three thou- 
sand printers. There are many 
signal-women and female detec- 
tives, and at least one female Mis- 
sissippi pilot. But our dainiy 
country bar-maids, and those mag- 
nificent creatures who with queenly 
dignity minister to thirsty Lon- 
doners, are equally unknown in 
America. Uncle Sam regards this form of female 
servitude as degrading as the field-work of French and 
German women. 




When we remember that a century ago, the American 
continent was practically a terra incognita with the 
exception of a narrow strip along tlie Atlantic coast, 
the change seems almost miraculous. Who can estimate 
the work that has been required to change the wilder- 
ness into a populous continent, dotted over with cities, 
covered with a jjlexus of railways and canals, and dis- 
playing in every part the evidences of man's activity? 
The vast shipments of grain and cattle, the endless 
columns of statistics of manufactures, give no adequate 
idea of American industry. For this we must follow 
the progress of the country from its condition of savage 
wildness to its present advanced position as a leader of 
nations. In the building of great cities where forests 



PATRICIANS AND PLEBEIANS. 53 

lately stood, in the growth of farms where a few years 
ago wild beasts and wilder men engaged in a fierce 
struggle for existence, in the development of perfect 
political institutions, cemented in blood, and made 
strong and enduring by jirolonged effort — such are the 
things which bear the most eloquent testimony to Ameri- 
can industry. The American colonies had an industrial 
origin; they fought for industrial freedom; by industry 
they grew into a great nation; their consolidation was 
effected by labour, not by militancy. Work, not war, 
has ever been their watchword. By this have they at- 
tained a prosperity which the warlike nations of the Old 
World will strive for in vain, until their young men ex- 
change the musket for the hammer, and drill in the 
workshop and forge instead of in camps and barrack 
yards. 

Every European nation has passed through a stage 
in which it was held that war was the only honourable 
calling, and that work of every form was degrading. 
Our Norse forefathers, from whom we have inherited 
many of the traits that have given the choicest j^arts of 
the world to our English race, believed so thoroughly 
that fighting was man's proper business and that work 
was fit only for slaves and women, that they conceived 
heaven as a place where their time was to be passed in 
daily battles with magical healing of wounds, and hell 
a place for women and workers. And we see the in- 
fluence of these and kindred sentiments in the contempt 
that lias grown around many once-excellent words. 
" Villain," " churl," '' boor," and " clown " were once 
the simple designation of peasants; and equivalents of 
two, " Kerl" and " Bauer," have survived dishonour in 



54 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

Germany. " Clodliopper " and '^ groundling '' further 
testify to the degradation of that form of labour which 
was not personal; while the elevation of "■ knight " and 
'•' esquire " show how much more honourable were menial 
services — those performed by the vioins i/e. And not 
only was labour despised: learning too was put under a 
ban, and " crafty " and " cunning/' once meaning 
skilful and knowing, now connote deceit and strategy. 
Even yet the business of war is held in highest esteem 
in Europe; and though there are many estimable men 
Avho cannot understand the pride with which Voltaire's 
Frenchman declared, "^ Moii 'metier est de tuer, et d'etre 
tiie," it is still to soldiers that public monuments are 
oftenest erected. We continue moreover to invoke the 
divine anger on the Queen's enemies Avith the same 
Norse ferocity with which we invite the Lord to smite 
his own enemies "on the hinder parts." There is surely 
a good deal of the old ferocity in the modern North- 
man's religion. 

A London journal recently offered a jn-ize for the 
best list of the twelve greatest living men. Nearly 
eighteen thousand voters considered General Wolseley 
greater than John Bright or Prof. Huxley! Surely 
Ave deserve the charge of eccentricity which other 
nations make against us. And the really greatest 
living man — the man Avho will leaA^e the deepest per- 
sonal impress on his age, who Avill live longest in the 
hearts and minds of men of all nations, Avho has helped 
mankind the furthest onward, is vot mimed at all — 
did not receive a thousand Azotes I And Avhile Herbert 
Spencer is thus ignored, Bismarck receiv^es 32,245 
votes, Moltke 13,968, and Churchill 13,117 ! I 

A curious commentary on social gradations is sug- 



PATRICIANS AND PLEBEIANS. 55 

gested by Roget's Thesaurus, where " flunkey, jockey, 
cad, swineherd" are given as correlatives of "emperor, 
king, majesty," etc. "Scullion, charwoman, gyp," 
are stated as the opposites of "empress, queen, prin- 
cess," etc. As the list proceeds with " hireling, para- 
site, mercenary, puppet," as correlatives of "duke, 
doge, seignior," one cannot help thinking that those 
who acquiesce in such a classification deserve it. But I 
suppose most people will here claim to belong to "the 
middle class," which Roget leaves comfortably vague. 

A friend, who I fear is more dogmatic than accurate, 
says that the patrician " Howard " is derived from 
" hog-ward"! If true, here's confusion for the Buggs! 
But how consoling to the mass of plebeians, who are 
derived from conditions of like humility! That a 
despised Saxon swineherd should be the forefather of a 
Howard of Effingham, while the product of a long line 
of kings may be a libertine Stuart or an imbecile 
George, is certainly encouraging to the plebs. 

I wonder if any "old aristocrat," such as Thackeray 
describes in his Book of Snobs, "swelling with pride, 
the descendant of illustrious Norman robbers, whose 
blood has been pure for centuries, and who looks down 
upon common Englishmen as a free-bom American does 
on a nigger" — I wonder if such a one ever had the 
curiosity to calculate how many ancestors he had, say 
six hundred years ago. If he did, the result must have 
astonished him. Everybody knows that we each have 
four grandparents, eight great-grandparents, sixteen 
great-great-grandparents, and so on for a few genera- 
tions; but few probably have ascertained that this ratio 
taken back twenty-five generations gives each of us one 
hundred and thirtv-three million ancestors — a rather 



56 



UNCLE SAM AT UOME. 



startling result in view of the fact that twenty-jSve 
generations ago the entire population of England was 
probably not more than three million. Of course the 
calculation is fanciful, but not more so than the notions 
of blue blood and pure descent prevailing in aristocratic 
circles. At this day the blue blood of those who 
" came over with the Conqueror " must be millions of 
times diluted, and fortunate its possessors that it is so. 



It is common to find in American novels such expres- 
sions as "great families," "best society," "long de- 
scended;" and we hear of the '• exclusiveness " of the 
"fastidious American aristocracy," "who think as 
much of their positions as the haughtiest veille noblesse 
in Europe." "A patrician crush" is according to one 
writer the synonym of what another calls "a toney 
gathering." These crushes and gatherings have, how- 
ever, little of the aristocratic element in their com- 
position. They are for the most part but fashionable 
circles in which prevails the milliner's estimate of life. 
It is into this society that the young lady makes her 

, ,.x, " deb-be w," — as de- 

but is startlingly pro- 
nounced in America. 
In no other English- 
speaking community 
do the people stickle 
so for the titles 
'' gentleman " and 
"lady." I was told 
by my Irish-Ameri- 
can laundress that 
"the lady what did 
the clear-starch in' got twelve dollars a week." And I 




Her "Deb-bew." 



PATPilCIANS AND PLEBEIANS. 57 

liave heard of a, cabman who asked: ''Are you the 
man as wants a gentleman to drive him to the depot?" 
During an investigation concerning the Cambridge 
(Mass.) workhouse, one of the witnesses spoke of the 
" ladies' cell.'^ And a newspaper rej)orter, writing of a 
funeral, had occasion to say how the " corjjse of the 
dead lady " looked. 

The plebeian who by dint of hard work has accumu- 
lated wealth, often asj^ires to patrician distinctions. 
Tiffany of New York is said to have a pattern book of 
crests, from which the embryo nobleman may choose a 
scutcheon emblematic either of his business or of some 
less worthy characteristic. A shirtmaker of Connecticut, 
having made a fortune by an improved cutting machine, 
announced his intention of getting a coat-of-arms. An 
unappreciative commoner asked him if the design would 
be a shirt rampant. "No,'^ he gravely replied; "it 
will be a shirt pendant and a washerwoman rampant." 
This was possibly suggested by the attitude of the 
washerwomen who called ujwn the President to de- 
mand that the towels of the 
Treasury Department should 
be " laundried " by native 
talent and not by Chinamen. 
A successful dustman adopt- 
ing a crest chose the motto 
Fidelis ad U7'7iam, which by a very free translation was 
made to read, "Faithful to the Ashes." 

Byron said that families with long pedigrees are very 
much like growing potatoes: the best part of them is in 
the ground. This is one of those truths which are so 
self-evident after you have heard them, that you wonder 
you never thought. of them before. In no country is 
this dictum so true as in America. The children of the 




C)H UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

successful niercbunt or umuurticturer expect to begin 
life where tlieir fathers ended. They are brought up 
extravagantly, in full knowledge of their fathers' wealth, 
and with no incentive to eil'ort. But in a society which 
lias no idlers these young men soon tire of their own com- 
pany, and longing for a new sensation, enter busi.ness. 
There they have to compete with men who are working 
their way up, and in doing so have developed traits 
which the rich man's son sadly lacks. He " gets left," 
as the American phrase well describes a defeat, and 
pretty soon he proves the truth of the Byronic simile. 

A good story is told of an old senator from Kentucky, 
a lover of those old-fashioned virtues that went along 
with '' Jeffersonian simplicity," who delighted in snub- 
bing the dude of his day. Meeting one of these one day 
in the street, he was accosted with "IIow d'y do. Sen- 
ator? I called on you yesterday." 

" Yes, I got your card. By the way, what was that 
horse's head on it for, and the letters?" 

The youth laughed airily. 

" The head, judge, is my crest — the steed which some 
of my ancestors rode to battle ; and the letters E. P. 
mean en personne — I left the card myself." 

" Oh! I see," dryly replied the judge. 

A day or two later they met again. "I got your 
card, judge, this morning. But what do those extraor- 
dinary figures on it mean?" 

'' Oh I the mule is />/// crest. I sell mules in Kentucky; 
and the letters S. B. A. 1). mean that the card was sent 
by a darky." 

1 think it could be proved, if data were obtainable, 
that those who have the most riirht to these emblems of 



PATRICIANS AND PLEBEIANS. 59 

nobility are least mindful of them. In Jiis thoughtful 
little book entitled " ()](I World Questions and New 
World Answers," Mr. Daniel Pidgeon relates that at 
Great Harrington, Connecticut, he was hospitably en- 
tertained by a widow, the mother of a female compositor, 
whose ancestral chart included William the Conqueror, 
Matilda of Scotland, Alfred the Great, Henry I. of 
England, Lewis the Fair, Charles the Bald of France, 
and Charlemagne and Hildegarde of Swabia, his wife. 
Remember, these are from the genealogy of a working- 
woman who still lives in an obscure town in New Eng- 
land. Mr. Pidgeon says: "The fervent desire of every 
New Englander is to trace his lineage to one among 
the handful of God-fearing and courageous men who 
first colonized America, and rarely seeks to lengthen 
his pedigree by research in England, content if he has 
sprung from the virtuous fathers of his own country." 
A desire of this kind is in the highest degree praise- 
worthy: it does not express itself in those ostentatious 
crests and emblazonments that seem to i^roclaim their 
owner better than his fellows. 

Armorial bearings were originally the signs which 
warriors placed on their shields or habits, in order to be 
distinguished from enemies in battle. A 
genuine coat-of-arms, therefore, implies 
descent from some old-time barbarian. 
By negative evidence, the families with- 
out crests descend from the herd of re- 
tainers, or from the masses of workers. 
It is a curious survival of the barbaric 
instinct which causes men to prefer 
(where they have the choice, as in America) a descent 
from some feudal tyrant and murderer, as all those 




60 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

fellows were, rather than an ascent from an honest 
swineherd or serf. If in these days it is nobler to suffer 
wrong than to be an evil-doer, surely it must be more 
honourable to have had a wronged and suffering an- 
cestor, than a barbarous tyrant, practising on his trem- 
bling dependents his horrible droit de seigneur and the 
like^ 



THE ANGLOMANIAC. 



61 



CHAPTER V. 

THE ANGLOMAXIAC; WITH A NOTE ON THE FUNCTIONS 
OF THE DUDE. 

" Thou damned antipodes to common-sense!"— Rochestee. 




F the visitor to New York will walk 
down Fifth Avenue any fine Sun- 
day morning after church-time, 
he will see a crowd of fashion- 
ably-dressed young men standing 
under the portico of the Wind- 
sor Hotel, sucking wooden tooth- 
picks, and watching the people 
as they come from church. Others may be seen at the 
windows of a certain club in Fifth Avenue which has 
often been mistaken for a boys^ school. These young 
men are dudes, the American variety of the London 
masher. They belong to that large class which scoffers 
call Anglomaniacs. They do not live at the Windsor 
Hotel; they merely get their toothpicks there, and once 
in a while patronize the hotel bootblack, just to give 
countenance to their loafing in the halls and on the 
porch. It was probably the sight of some such exquisite 
that evoked from Fuller the trite remark : " Nature 
generally hangs out a sign of simplicity in the face of a 
fool." 



62 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



The Dude is the Anglomaniac par exceUence. He has 
the cockney drawl which actors in 
America affect when representing an 
Englishman; and though he does not 
drop his A's in the traditional British 
style, he walks with the Piccadilly swing 
or the Pall Mall glide, whichever hap- 
pens to be the passing masher fashion. 
He takes his father's cuff, and wears it 
as a collar; and putting a pane of glass 
in his eye, ogles with true masher-stare 
the ladies wlio pass him in the street. 
His gaiters are imported, as are also 
his gloves and liis hat. He affects the society of such 
scions of British nobility as are attainable; and boasts 
of his acquaintance with the Earl of Rottenville and 




The Pall Mall glide. 




The "Masher-stare." 



Lord Gumboyle. Every change of gait, attire or occu- 
pation of the masher is quickly imitated by the dude. 
Life, the American Punch, has made many a laugh at 
the dude's expense. According to this journal, the 



THE ANGLOMANIA a 



63 



o'-i?^ 



dude's representative in London not long since sent to 
his club-friend a cablegram which read: 

" Dust-carts are all the style. Get one, and tell the 
dear boys/^ 

Forthwith dust-carts became the rage in New York. 
The office of chief scavenger was besieged by a crowd of 
young men wearing loose trowsers 
and single eye-glasses, demanding 
corporation dust-carts. The com- 
missioner could not supply more 
than half the required number; but 
those of the disappointed dudes 
who could afford it bought private 
dust-carts and harnessed them to 
high-stepping horses, and had a 
tiger on the back of the cart with 
folded arms in the regulation Hyde 
Park style. The poorer dude bought 
a wheelbarrow and shovel, or a dust-pan and brushes. 
Life says the craze was at its height when consterna- 
tion was produced in the ranks of the gilded youth by 
another cablegram: 

^' Mistake of telegrapher. Dog-carts fashionable, not 

dust-carts. Great 
laughter in Lon- 
don." 

With amusing 

seriousness. Life 

adds that Fifth 

Avenue was then 

free of the dude for a month. 

A philosophical contemplation of the 
dude, in the plenitude of his powers of 





mm 



64 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

dispersion, fills one with admiral ion at the economy of 
nature. Nothing is allowed to run to waste — not even 
a dude. His place in nature, like that of the mosquito, 
is unperceived by the common mind; but the philoso- 
pher sees that both dude and mosquito fulfil important 
functions. The mosquito nourishes itself at the expense 
of others: the dude nourishes others at the expense of 
himself. He is the rich man's son, who distributes his 
father's wealtli, and ssts it circulating in a health-giving 
current throughout society in general but amongst pub- 
licans and sinners in particular. The dude is a pro- 
vision of nature against the prolonged accumulation of 
great wealth in families. Owing to this bland-looking 
type, there is hardly a great fortune in the United States 
which has passed as a whole beyond the second genera- 
tion. " In America," says an observant writer, '^ there 
are but three generations from shirt-sleeves to shirt- 
sleeves." While the dude does his appointed work so 
well, there is no danger of an Aristocracy of the Dollar 
in America. A territorial class such as we have in 
England is impossil)lc whore free laws allow wealth to 
pass from the hands of the idle and luxurious into the 
hands of the industrious and frugal. 

Let us respect the dude, then. Though he appears a 
noodle whose only soul is that supplied by his tailor, his 
mission is of great importance to society, and he fulfils 
his task far better than might be expected from his 
vacant looks. The dude is really a benefactor to his 
race. All glory to the dude! 

The dude's sister has no specific name.* She is sim- 
ply an Anglomaniac; though in her, as befits her su- 

* " Dudine" has been coined since this was written. 



THE ANOLOMANIAC. 



65 




perior nature, the malady is not so acute. She wisely 
refuses to make a martyr of herself to acquire an Eng- 
lish waist; and she 
declines to corrupt 
her native American 
speech by a mongrel 
cockney. She thinks 
as an American, and 
talks as an American 
— though I have 
heard of her breaking ^ ^ 
an engagement be- F'" 
cause her lover called 
trowsers "pants." 
Only does she dress 
as an Englishwoman. ^e called trowsers " pants." 

And this is really not a bad thing to do. American 
ladies are tempted by their bright climate into showi- 
ness, and a little English corrective, 
in the shape of sombre colours and 
less ornamentation, will do good rather 
than harm. But the styles which Eng- 
lish tailors impose on a credulous wo- 
mankind are often appallingly ugly. 
Here is a sample taken bodily from an 
English tailor's advertisement in a 
New York paper. What curious ideas 
will Americans have of English girls 
if this deformity is to be considered a 
ng IS 1^-11 . 1^^-^. sample! Nothing illustrates so 
well the absurdity of Anglomania in America as the fact 
that an English tailor should find it profitable to adver- 
tise such caricatures. And the jirices this audacious 
5 




66 



UNCLE SAM A T HOME. 




A Dudiiie. 



Briton deinunds for hxa wares! I dare not repeat what 

some of my friends tell of liis charges: it is almost 

incredible. Surely no ridicule can be 

tno gi'eat for such a craze. American 

papers are full of it. Perhaps some 

good might be done if English papers 

took up the cry; for Americans are 

sensitive to English criticism. Indeed 

it is the only criticism to which they 

are sensitive. For a Frenchman's 

ridicule they do not care a red cent, as 

W ~ '*' ^^^^y would say; and no other C'ontinen- 

fl][[ -'-). tal nation sees anything in America 

to huigh at. 

It is said that one has to go abroad 
to learn all ahout one's own country. 
In America I learnt many things 
about England of which I had previously no knowledge. 
One discovery was that the Prince of Wales introduces 
all changes in dress, manners and social arrangements. 
I suppose he has as much to do with such changes as 
anybody; but T conformed for many years to dicta with- 
out knowing who gave the orders. It was from a publi- 
cation of Harpers' that I first learned to whom I am 
indebted for lengthening the lappels 
of my coat and giving a curve to the 
rim of my hat. I am duly grateful — 
nay, more, for 1 had often declaimed 
at fashion when the tailor assured me 
that my new coat must diiror from the 
old one, though the latter satisfied me 
in every particular. The paragraph in 
Harpers' which revealed my obligations to royalty ends 




TEE ANQLOMANIAC. 67 

with a thought worth quoting: "It was said that the 
dropping of a pebble in the ocean produced a move- 
ment which was continued to the utmost confines of 
the sea. The whim or the comfort of one exalted or 
dandiacal personage may likewise, in the cut of a coat 
or the form of a shoe, go round the world. Uncon- 
sciously even we republicans are subjects of a king, 
and the severe and scornful defier of the authority of 
the British crown defies it in a coat whose 'cut" is a 
docile acknowledgment of that crown's resistless power. 
The influence of a social leader is shown in nothing so 
strongly as in his ability to make two continents wear 
clothes cut as he chooses." 

The picture of the defiant republican declaiming 
against royalty in a coat fashioned by a king is good. I 
am glad I saved the extract. 

A paper that delights to make fun of that part of the 
British constitution which is most conspicuous to a re- 
publican is the New Orleans Picayune. A tirade against 
Anglomania in that paper, which is now before me, ends 
with the terse comment: "A troublesome corn on a royal 
toe of England will change the gait of every society 
idiot in New York!" This is Carlylean — but not truth- 
ful. 

There is another type of Angloraaniac. He is not a 
dude or fashionable exquisite. He is simjDly a good- 
hearted, generous fellow, anxious to be hospitable and 
friendly to a people whose ancestors were also his own. 
It is hard that such a man should be dubbed a maniac, 
but it is the truth. The madness, however, lies not so 
much in the hospitality which he displays as in the 
worthless character of the guest upon whom it is lav- 
ished. I should deplore saying anything that could 



68 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

make the relations of Englishmen and Americans less 
friendly; but I do not think these relations are any the 
more cordial because the good-natured Anglomaniac 
takes up and entertains with lavish hospitality every 
lordling and snob who visits the Kepublic. It would be 
all right if the titled idiot had the heart and head to re- 
ciprocate the attention Avhen his American entertainer 
visits England. But on such occasions we have an ex- 
hibition of snobbishness greater than an\i;hing Thack- 
eray described. The following is an American's protest 
against this form of inhospitality. I think it may be 
read with interest and even profit by certain sections of 
our fashionable society: 

INTERNATIONAL COURTESIES. 

The incident of the blackballing of sundry inoffensive and eli- 
gible Americans, as Americans, at a London club stimulates re- 
flections which even Mr. llciiry James has not exhausted upon 
the international aspects of " society." 

The complications of which the shutting of the doors of the 
Bachelors' Club against these New Yorkers is the latest, are such 
as inevitably arise in the intercourse of a strictly classified people 
like the British with an unclassified people like ourselves. A 
Briton's social status is very largely li.xcd by external conditions 
with which his personal character has little to do. A man of 
genius may be patronized by members of the class above his own, 
but if he be also a self-respecting person the patronage will be too 
obvious to be agreeable. He is admitted on sulTerance, and not on 
the same footing with the persons who belong to " society." The 
anxiety to appear to be one step higher in the social scale than one 
really is is the essence of snobbishness, and the snob is distinctly 
indigenous to Great Britain, being the product of the social envi- 
ronment there prevailing. As a rule an Englishman accej>ts that 
stiition in life, as the English catechism puts it, in which he has 
been placed, and makes up for the necessity of truckling more or 
less to people stationed above Iiim in tlie privilege of bullying 



THE ANOLOMANIAG. 69 

more or less the people stixtioued below him. An English " swell " 
looks upon Americans as Mr. Matthew Arnold did before he came 
here. To him they are so many members of the English middle 
class. Mr. Arnold's presumption did not survive his visit, but the 
English swell is a much thicker-headed person. As Mr. Arnold 
himself has said, he is inaccessible to ideas, and his notion that the 
United States are populated by degenerate English tradesmen is 
ineradicable. He lives with Americans when he is in America, see- 
ing that there is nobody else to live with, but he has not the slight- 
est idea of livmg with them when he is at home. What they re- 
sent as snubbing, when he ignores instead of reciprocating their 
hospitalities, is to him merely a necessary measure of self-protec- 
tion. If a New Yorker should be hospitably treated by guides 
and trappers in the Northwest he would feel decently grateful to 
them, no doubt, and if he revisited their country he would be at 
pains to look them up and receive some more attention from them. 
But if the trappers and the guides should come to New York and 
expect to be asked to dinner he would be apt to resent their intru- 
sion as an impertinence. This is very much the unfeigned feeling 
of the British swell toward his American entertainers, and it is 
the feeling which the British snob pretends to feel in order to pro- 
mote the illusion that he, too, is a swell. 

Americans who extend courtesies to Britons who have handles 
to their names or who are nearly allied to Britons so equipped are 
much deluded if they imagine that these courtesies are received 
as courtesies between equals, to be repaid in kind when occasion 
offers. A visit to London has wrought a disillusion in the minds 
of many of them. It is unfortunately true that many specimens 
of the rising generation of the British nobility are as thorough- 
going blackguards as incumber the earth, and some of the most 
unsavory among them have visited this country. Of course, who- 
ever countenances a notorious blackguard by entertaining him 
because the blackguard has a title is a snob, and when he is 
snubbed and blackballed by the blackguard and the blackguard's 
friends a righteous retribution has overtaken him. Not infre 
quently the travelling Briton does not wait to reach home before 
showing himself ungrateful to his American hosts, but abuses hos- 
pitality even when he is in the act of soliciting or of absorbing it. 
Such was the case with the Briton whose impudence caused not 



70 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

only bis American entertainers, but bis respectable Englisb fellow- 
travellers, to stand aghast upon a memorable excursion two years 
ago. 

But, tben, it is not just to call an English swell a blackguard, 
nor even to accuse him of being in a general way an ingrate, be- 
cause he declines to associate on equal terms at home with the 
persons with whom he was compelled to associate when he was 
abroad. He may sincerely'' consider that these people are not his 
social equals, though be condescended to their society when there 
was no other to be got. The frankness with which he makes this 
belief manifest is peculiar to him. But this is connected with one 
of bis most respectable qualities, and that is his indilTerence to 
what other people think of him so long as be thinks well of him- 
self. His bump of approbativeness is very small. " What I ad- 
mire about your Lord Ilartington," a foreigner in England is re- 
ported in a late book as saying, " is his youbedamnedness." If 
any American wishes to fathom the depths of the youbedamned- 
ness of the British swell, be need only show social attentions in 
New York to British peers, and afterward visit London in an in- 
nocent e.vpectatiou that these attentions will be returned. 




THE GOSPEL OF RELAXATION. 



71 



CHAPTER VI. 



A COMMENTARY ON THE GOSPEL OF RELAXATION. 



" TLeie is pleasure sure 
In being- mad, 'nhich only madmen 
knoAv." — Dryden. 



F Mulliall is to be trusted as 
a statistician, there are 
more insane people in the 
United States in proj)or- 
tion to population than 
in any other country ex- 
cept Ireland. The ratio 
per thousand inhabitants 
in Europe is 1*6; in the 
United States it is 3 • 3. Looking back, we find that this 
remarkable figure is the product of late years. In 1850 
the ratio was" only 1-3G; in 18C0 it was 1-39; in 1870, 
1*61; and in 1880 it reached the alarming figure 3 "30. 

By contrasting the conditions of life in America with 
those of countries where the insanity rate is low, we 
have 'prima-facie evidence that the American high rate 
is due to commercial competition and high-pressure liv- 
ing generally. In Spain and Portugal, for example, 
where the people are a happy-go-lucky race, and care 
little for industrial success, the rate is 0*7. In Switzer- 
land, where the people live simple lives, free from business 




73 INCLE SAM AT HOME. 

worry, the rate is I*]. Similarly in Austria and Russia^ 
the insane rate is low; I'or though militancy there is a 
cause of much snlfering, the people are free from the con- 
tention of an active business life. In Great Britain, how- 
ever, where the conditions of life are nearest allied to 
those in America, the insanity rate is very high, though 
not so high as in Ireland, where emigration of the 
healthiest men and women leave the defective to swell 
the returns in undue proportions. In Canada the peo- 
ple have less "go" in them than in the States; and there 
the insane rate is little more than half that of the He- 
public. 

The ratio of increase in America is sufficiently start- 
ling; but when we look at the bai'e figures the contrast 
is appalling. Observe the dilfercnce between 1850 and 
1880: 

Year. Total Insane. i„{:[:i;il"J^ts. 

1850 31,400 1-36 

1860 42,970 1-39 

1870 61,980 1-61 

1880 168,880 3-3 

Of course this tremendous increase has not taken 
place without remark; but with the fatuity with which 
men habitually obscure the cause of a disaster, they are 
explaining the increased madness by saying it is due to 
the wind! In the cities around the lakes the favourite 
theory is that the moist winds from the great fresh- 
water seas are causing the trouble; but if this were so, 
Canada's insanity rate should be even higher than that 
of the Republic, since a greater proportion of its popula- 
tion lives on the lakes. The explanation is suggestive 
of the German schoolboy's song, 

" Du bist veiTiickt, niein Kind; 
Du hast oin Kopf voll Wind!" 



TEE GOSPEL OF RELAXATION. 



73 



The fierce struggle for existence iu America is shown 
not only by crowded madhouses. It is conspicuous 
in tlie wild rush of 
the city streets, and 
in the careworn 
faces of men. 
Herbert Spencer 
told the Ameri- 
cans, when he 
preached to them 
liis gospel of relax- 
ation, that persis- 
tent activity had 
with them reached 
an extreme from 
which there must 
begin a counter- 
change* — a reac- 
tion. "Every- 
where," said he, 
''I have been 
struck with the 
number of faces EngUsh methods, 

which told in strong lines of the burdens that had to be 
borne. I have been struck, too, with the large propor- 
tion of gray-haired men; and inquiries have brought 
out the fact that with you the hair commonly begins to 
turn some ten years earlier than with us." I have 
several acquaintances in America whose hair was tinged 
with gray before they were thirty years of age. Every- 
where one meets men who have suffered from nervous 
collapse, or hears of men killed by overwork — " died in 
harness," as they say in America. Even children in 




74 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

schools display "the same feverishness aud absence of 
repose," to borrow the expression of the Rev. Mr, Fraser 
who reported on American educational sj^stems to our 
government a few years ago. 

And what is the good of all this strife? AVell may 
the astonished stranger ask, when i)uzzled natives thus 
speak: 

" The United States is a paradox: forty-three billions of wealth; 
yet work is hard to get, and leisure scarcely exists. The nation 
grows richer, but the individual works harder. The problem of 
living gets more complicated, instead of getting simpler. Mr. At- 
kinson tells us that we have saved fifteen billions of dollars since 
1860. Where are they? Have they earned us any leisure? Have 
they quieted our anxious business worries? ' Ten men can now 
feed one thousand, one man shoe a thousand;' w-hy do not the nine 
hundred and ninetj-nine have time for rest and culture? 'We 
produce enough in six months to last for a year'; why have we 
not .six months every year for education and enjoyment? 'Wc 
make two billions now for every billion made twenty years ago;' 
why do we still have but $119 apiece a year to live upon? It 
is not our wealth that needs to be explained, but our poverty."* 

The evil consequences of this absorjitiou are further 
seen in the stunted forms and pale faces of the children 
of nervous men. They are seen in the solitary lives of 
the women. In summer women crowd the mountain 
hotels and seaside resorts; their husbands visit them 
from Saturday till Monday, and hammer away at busi- 
ness during the week. They are seen in the success of 
political jobbers — low foreigners who find the misgov- 
ern mout of a city or a State more remunerative than 
carrying mortar and bricks up a ladder. The best 
men of America are absorbed in the struggle for wealth; 

* Herbert Putnam in Citizen, Aug. 1886. 



THE GOSPEL OF RELAXATION. 75 

the government of the city and State is left to bar-room 
politicians and peculating officials. Here it is that the 
gross selfishness of the American business man is seen 
at its worst. He is aware of all the corruption and dis- 
honesty that pollute the City Hall or the State legisla- 
ture. He occasionally swears a great oath when a piece 
of Jobbery of unusual magnitude and audacity becomes 
known; but he goes on making his personal pile bigger 
and bigger, committing the government to Sheol and 
the Irish. 

Examples of official incompetency and worse can be 
gathered from every newsjiaper; yet such is the j)ub- 
lic indifference that in every city there are thousands 
of citizens who do not take the trouble to be registered 
and to vote. And of those who do vote, the majority is 
so completely controlled by one or other of the party 
machines, that the real voice of the people — the Vox Dei 
— is completely stifled in the ballot-box. Occasionally 
the citizens rise up in anger and abolish the corrupt ad- 
ministration. Then they settle down again to acquiring 
each other's property, and soon another '^'ring" is gild- 
ing itself with taxpayers' dollars. 

The man who thus sacrifices wife, children, city and 
State to his desire to "get on" does not escajie the sear- 
ing of the finer feelings inseparable from prolonged self- 
ishness. Add to this the effect of forty years' indus- 
trial campaigning, with little relaxation and no cultiva- 
tion except that found in morning newspajiers and daily 
price-lists, and we get an ideal "successful business 
man : " 



Througli life's dark road bis sordid way he wends, 
Au iucarnation of fat dividends." 



76 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

The superabundant energy of Americans, which so 
often takes the form of commercial wrestling, is some- 
times attributed to their bright invigorating climate. 
And that there is some truth in the explanation is ob- 
vious to all Avho have had opportunities of contrasting 
the listless condition of mind and body engendered 
by a damp, muggy day in England, with the exhilarat- 
ing glow excited by the crisji atmosphere of an Amer- 
ican winter's day, when the heart beats a joyous tune 
to which every fibre responds in unison. In Cali- 
fornia one constantly experiences this delightful buoy- 
ancy of mind and body; and many a gigantic bubble- 
scheme has been floated into its rare atmosphere, which 
has hopelessly collapsed as soon as it passed into the 
denser air of other regions. In Denver, at some seasons, 
solid-looking business men trip along the streets with a 
lightness that is almost sylph-like; and frequently in 
New York one feels like Tommy Upniore, when his ex- 
panding joyousness carried him over the tree-tops like a 
balloon. But though chmate may account for much of 
the overflowing energy of Americans, it does not account 
for the limitation of effort to personal ends. Tlie fact 
is that work has become a kind of war; and the average 
Yankee values an industrial victory as highly as the red- 
skinned American prized his enemy's scalp-lock. They 
are both successful competitors; and there is not much 
difference in the character of their rewards. 

The spirit of competition pervades every detail of the 
American's life. Not only is his business-life ruled by 
it: it gives form to such amusements as he allows him- 
self. If he owns horses, they must be able to trot as fast 
as those of his business rival, and to that end his buggy 
or sleigh is made as light as possible. Everywhere box- 



THE GOSPEL OF RELAXATION. 



77 



ing-matclies are well attended; and pugilists sometimes 
receive homage rarely accorded to more worthy men. 




Bliss— long drawn out. 

Here is a description of the home-coming of a Phila- 
delphia j)ugilist, after an encounter with the Boston 
champion: 

" Cleopatra herself when she went sailing up theCydnus to meet 
Antony hardly travelled in more state than did Mr. McCaffrey in 
his journey from the Broad Street station to his Eighth Street 
saloon. If his name instead of being Dominick had been Hora- 
tius, and if instead of fighting a fellow-creature for money he had 
been saving Rome by keeping a bridge over the Tiber, he could 
hardly have been decorated with more signal marks of admiration. 
A cheering crowd met him when the train stopped; triumphant 
music announced his presence; a band of enthusiaslic friends, 
while the strains of ' Hail to the Chief ' floated away on the Penn- 
sylvania air, lifted him bodily from his feet and bore him aloft on 
their shoulders to a splendid carriage drawm by four prancing 
horses; a body-guard of eight hundred devoted fellow-citizens fol- 
lowed the carriage down Chestnut Street; directly in front of the 
imposing chariot ran a goodly number of the youth of the city, 
making constant proclamation as they ran that the Chief was 
coming; at Eleventh and Chestnut streets three fair Philadelphia 
maidens— of course intended to typify Faith, Hope and Chanty, 
although none of the local papers say so — waved their handker- 
chiefs at the Chief, who in turn 'bowed modestly.' 

Thus came the pugilist home. So Philadelphia welcomed the 
return of Dominick McCaffrey. John Welsh had no such a re- 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 




on bis return from Europe. But then be bad onlj' been 
Minister at tbe Court of St. James. Benjamin H. 
Brewster bad no sucb reception on bis return from 
Wasbington. But tben be bad only been Attorney- 
General of tbe United States. Daniel Dougherty 
bad no sucb a reception on bis return from bis most 
successful lecturing tour. But tben be is only a 
great orator. Dominick McCalTrey is a pugilist. 
Tbe rising generation in Pbiiadelpbia can draw its 
own moral." 



It need hardly be said that " the rising generation of 
Philadelphia" here meant is that portion of it which 
makes the most noise and does the city the least credit. 
Corresponding crowds would greet with enthusiasm a 
native pugilist in any city; but to admit this would have 
spoilt the laugh which this New York journalist wished 
to raise at the expense of the Quaker City. 

Athletic clubs are common enough in American 
cities; but the competitive instinct crops out even in 
these. Professional walking- and skating-matches some- 
times partake of the nature of a horrible torturing, so 
prolonged and keen is the struggle. Here is a descrip- 
tion of a victim of a six days' walkinijf-match: 



"Fitzgerald's face — unsliaven, imcoutb, distorted and ungainly, 
witbercd by tbo tremendous strain and lined like a cobweb — 
was a more repulsive sigbt dur- 
ing tbe last tbree days of tbe 
matcb tban anytbing in tbe 
Eden Musee. His eyes were 
sluggisb, blood sbot and beavy, 
and encomjiassed by buge pur- 
ple circles. His cbeeks bad so 
.sunk in tbat tbe contour of tbe 
tectb co\ild almo-it bavebcen seen 
tbrowgii tlum, and every move- 
ment was an illustration of acute agony. He swung bis arms 




THE GOSPEL OF RELAXATION. 79 

painfully, his head dropped on his chest, his shoulder-blades 
stuck out sharply from his attenuated body, his legs dragged lamely 
one after the other, and the muscles of his neck twitched nervously 
at every step. He dragged himself steadfastly ahead, never turn- 
ing his eyes to the right or left, until he came to the scorer's stand, 
when he painfully and laboriously turned his face toward the 
figures to see that they were correctly given." 

Others are described as even more pitiable. The 
analytic journalist adds: 

" Night after night and day after day thousands of people 
poured into the garden and hung for hours over the rail staring 
at the faces of the poor wretches who were dragging themselves 
around the track. There seemed to be a sort of morbid fascina- 
tion in it for the crowd. A man would get a position along the 
rail where he could see the walkers for an instant as they passed 
on their rounds. Here he would stand for five or six hours in the 
stifling atmosphere, pushed and jostled by the crowd, just for the 
chance of catching a glinipse of the faces of the toiling pedestri- 
ans as they came around the track. Everybody who came in ex- 
claimed at the revolting appearance of the men, and then crowded 
eagerly for a place where they could catch a closer view of them." 

There is surely not much difference between our nine- 
teenth-century humanity and that humanity of Eoman 
days which found its most inspiring diversion in watching 
men and beasts tight to the death. The amusements of 
a people are always in harmony with its conditions. The 
conditions of the old Eomans called for great personal 
courage, prompt decision in danger, unswerving devotion 
to the state, and even cruelty. In the amphitheatre these 
qualities were exhibited in their highest degree. In 
America in modern days, the qualities most admired are 
those which have made it the most industrial of nations; 
and exhibitions of energy, perseverance, endurance, and 
that indefinable mixtureof them all, "grit," will continue 



80 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



in favour as long as the present conception of success pre- 
vails. A couple of years ago a man skated on roller- 
skates 1055 miles in six days, and died a few weeks later 
from exhaustion — it was called by another name by his 
friends. The tortures which this wretched creature 
and his competitors underwent were described in ghastly 
detail by the principal Xew York papers. The horrible 
looks of the men, the jaressing forward of the crowd — 
every revolting circumstance was printed in newspapers 
which in America hold the position of the Times, Stand- 
ard or Daily News in England. 

Every amusement which allows betting is in favour in 
America. Baseball- and trotting-matches, horse-races, 
boxing-matches, iceboat-races and yachting are favour- 
ite sports. Betting on the exchange is not an amuse- 
ment in America 



any more than it is 
elsewhere. It is a 
grave soul-killing 
business, as repug- 
nant to every fine 
sentiment of human- 
ity as slaughtering cattle. That it should prevail to the 
extent it does in America implies a depth of commercial 
degradation discouraging to those Avho are ever looking 
for signs of progress in the race. This aspect of Ameri- 
can life is as repulsive as its walking- and skating- 
matchcs. 

Perhaps nothing so -well illustrates the difference be- 
tween the English and American character as the na- 
tional games of cricket and fjaseball. The British game 
is slow and irksome to an American. Tlie deliberation 
witli wliich the ''overs" are made is insupportable to 




TEE GOSPEL OF RELAXATION. 81 

one of his quick, time-sijaring habits; while the long, 
drawn contest, often lasting a couple of days, is simply 
impossible in a country where time is so valuable that 
love-letters are said to be written on the type-writer. 
The finest game of baseball — whicli is the lineal descend- 
ant, improved by careful breeding, of the children's 
game of "rounders" — is completed within two hours; 
and every emotion from exultation to despair may be 
crowded into that short time. Baseball is short and ex- 
citing; cricket long and often monotonous, like the per- 
formance in a Chinese theatre. 

That sparrows fight is a fact known to every people 
among whom this domestic little pet makes its home. A 
philanthropist introduced a number of English spar- 
rows into America, and the people welcomed them with 
tlie heartiness they extend to everything English. 
Houses were placed in trees and on telegraph-poles for 
the accommodation of the little Britons, who prospered 
and multiplied at a rate which put the German immi- 
grant to shame. Before the sparrows came, it was im- 
possible to walk with comfort under the trees which in 
American towns are planted along the streets: ugly 
worms and caterpillars dropped down, and crawled over 
woman's bonnets and down men's collars. The spar- 
rows ate up the worms, and thus fulfilled the task ex- 
pected of them. Then the great American nation dis- 
covered that the sparrow was a nuisance. It fought 
everything that could fight, and drove away the things 
that could not fight. AYitli shocking lack of filial re- 
spect, it hesitated not to fight its own father and mother, 
and attacked its cousins, and its sisters and its aunts. In 
brief, it was a demoralizing influence; and a wail went 
up from the press of the land. But the sparrows had 




82 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



settled down for life, as is the habit of English colo- 
nists. It is this simple trait that makes English colonies 
IJernianent and successful. The Frenchman goes abroad 
to make money which he intends to spend in Paris. 
The Briton settles down and makes his home in the new 
country to which he goes, and henceforth regards Eng- 
land only as his headquarters. If the American philan- 
thropist wanted colonists of itinerant habits he should 
have introduced French sparrows. To introduce 
Britons was a grave oversight of first principles — a mis- 
take possible only to a philanthropist, with his love of 
direct remedies. 

The pugnacity of the now-acclimated sparrow has 
been turned to good account by the American Chinee. 
He has made it a means of relaxation from the wash-tub 
and ironing-board. He has trained the sparrow to fight 
scientifically. A Philadelphia reporter who saw such a 
prize-fight says: 

"The sparrows' wings were cut and their tails were cropped 
close. Their bills were almost white where they had been sand- 
papered to make their liltle beaks as sharp 
as a needle's point. One of the sparrows 
had a little piece of red ribbon wrapped 
around its log to dislinguish it from the other. 
Hop Chung Lung, who is one of the silent 
partners of the gambling house, then sized up 
the l)irds with a sporting man's eye, and of- 
fered to bet ten ' plunks ' (dollars) that the bird 
with the red ribbon on its right leg would 
kill tlie other. There were no takers until 
Bun Sun Low had dropped the birds in the 
pit. The moment this was done the sparrow 
that had no ribbon on it plunged at the other and peeked a mouth- 
h\\ of feathers out of its held. This eauscil a ch>ickle all around, 
and Charlie Lee, the Tenth Street laundryman, covered Hop Chung 




THE GOSPEL OF RELAXATION. 83 

Lung's ten ' plunks.' Tbis added fresh excitement to the fight. The 
bird with the red leg was the gamest, and made a lunge at his 
antagonist. In another moment he pecked the other bird in the 
throat, and hi.^ needle-pointeil bill did deadly work. The one- 
eyed bird toppled over and fell on the sand dead. Other fights 
followed, and when the fourth brace had fought for three or four 
minutes Chung Wat told Bun Sun Low to stop the fight, and the 
spectators were told the sport was over." 

There are two sections of the American people to 
whom the preaching the Gospel of Relaxation is a work 
of supererogation : the w' estern farmers and the coloured 
people. The ambitions of both classes are narrowly cir- 
ctimscribed. That of the western farmer is well indi- 
cated in the following catechism: 

Q. What is the American farmer's ambition? 

A. To buy more land. 

Q. What does he want more land for? 

A. To grow more corn. 

Q. Why does he want more corn? 

A. To raise more hogs. 

Q. Why does he want more hogs? 

A. To sell, in order to buy more land, to grow more 
corn, to raise more hogs, to sell in order to buy more 
land. 

And so in monotonous round the western farmer's 
ambition passes from land to corn, and hogs, and land. 
There is nothing wearing in this; and the farmer lives 
a quiet hapjjy life which is unknown to dwellers in 
cities, with their ceaseless strivings, disappointments 
and heart-burnings. 

The coloured people are a hapjiy contented race. 
Wherever they are one hears their merry chatter and 
the loud yah-yah of their laugh. With song and jest 



84 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



they kill time and dull care, as they lounge in groups on 
southern wharves and levees, or sit idly swinging their 
feet on the edge of a railway platform. Carlyle gives a 
funny picture of the negro who eats the inside of a pump- 
kin, puts half the empty rind on his head, sits in the 
other half, and then blinks at the world in satisfied com- 
fort. Carlyle was angry at the picture. He wanted 
this ruminating animal to come out of his pumpkin, and 
work. " Every man has a right to be forced to work," 
scolded the philosopher, with his usual contempt for 
logic. But then he had scolded the workers; and when 
told that Americans double their numbers every twenty- 
five years, doubted if to have forty million dollar-hun- 
ters in the world were any better than to have twenty 
million dollar-huntors. Poor old man! He hunted too 

— and lived long enough to 
see the futility of his own 
particular chase. For my 
part, the picturesque darky 
in his pumpkin is a more 
agreeable sight than the same 
darky perspiring in the noon- 
day sun, exercising his '•' right 
to be forced to work." 

Most of the personal service 
is in the hands of coloured 
people. The hotels are every- 
where full of them; and they 
make cheerful, ready servants 
in a house. They are very 
musical. A score of coloured 
waiters at a summer -hotel 
often contain enough talent to form a glee club; and 




THE QOSPEL OF RELAXATION. 85 

during the warm evenings their plaintive songs, still 
tinged with the melancholy of slavery, awake the echoes 
of the woods, and thrill the listener with that luxurious 
sadness which so often characterizes the music of a 
conquered race — like the minor music of the Irish peas- 
antry. The prettiest song that ever originated in 
America — '"Way down upon the Suwanee River" — is 
of this character — in which are interwoven " les jjleurs 
du peuple et les Jieurs du prinfewps." With a skiff 
moored in some quiet creek, the darky fisherman sym- 
bolizes his race: perhaps asleep, but always happy and 
comfortable, caring little about the scaly tribe until 
forced to care by hunger. An infusion of negro con- 
tentment into the Yankee character would do Uncle 
Sam good. His energy and enterprise and industry re- 
quire to be tempered by that quality which the French 
call insouciance. 







86 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 




CHAPTER YII. 
SOCIAL atavism; or old things under a new 

NAME. 

" To tear down the sky in order to catch larks is -wasteful ex- 
travagance, and should be forbidden by law." — A 
New Laputa. 

T is well known to breeders of pigeons, 
rabbits and dogs that tlie offspring of 
pure-blooded parents often shows a low- 
breed taint. The litter of a high-bred 
lop-eared rabbit often contains an ani- 
mal possessing the ap})earance and character of a remote 
wild progenitor. The new-born ass sometimes shows 
the zebra-markings of a distant ancestor, and horses are 
sometimes born with three toes. In plants, too, the 
same tendency is observed: peaches sometimes appear 
on a nectarine-tree. Men and women, too, revert to 
ancestral types. We all know some one who is the im- 
age of his grandfather, and not a bit like his father. 
And ancestral character, as well as appearance, is apt 
thus to break out in later generations. Some men, in- 
deed, seem to inherit with great directness the instincts 
and desires of some ancestor who lived among the cave 
men in a paleolithic age, while others, with some traits 
ada|)ted to nineteenth-century civilization, are ever 
ready to drop into the habits and feelings of that hairy 
ancestor who lived in tree-tops, ages before the cave men. 



SOCIAL ATAVISM. 87 

This reversion to ancestral types Mr. Darwin called 
atavism. 

Societies as well as individuals sometimes display a 
retrograde tendency. Laws and customs which they 
have outgrown, and which are no longer fitted to their 
advanced condition, grow up afresh, just as the canine 
teeth of men occasionally acquire the prominence of 
fangs. In America the highest social development the 
world has ever seen is accompanied by the most cou- 
sj^icuous examples of social atavism. 

And let me here explain what I mean by the highest 
social development. I do not claim for America the 
highest development of literature, music, or the fine arts. 
Such a claim would be absurd. Neither do I claim for 
it the greatest diversity of social elements; for I believe 
the differentiation of parts has proceeded to a greater 
extent in England or even France than in America. 
The highest social development here meant is that im- 
plied by the term "• industrial," which has been so often 
used to characterize the Republic. 

The lowest forms of society are those simple com- 
munities in which all men are equal; Just as the lowest 
forms of animal life are those of which the parts are 
alike. A chicken with its great diversity of parts — 
bone, muscle, nerve, claws and horny beak — is more 
highly evolved than the egg, with its simple division 
into yolk and white. So is it with societies. Progress 
begins when men cease to be equal — when the best, 
bravest, or most cunning become leaders. It continues 
as these leaders acquire power to coerce the other mem- 
bers into united action. And when at last we reach a 
point at which men have lost all individuality and have 
become merely parts of a complex machine, directed by 



88 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

one mind, we get u perl'ect example ol' iho militant 
society. Germany and Kussia are the nearest of modern 
societies to this type. To see that such a condition is 
essential to the existence of the society at some stages of 
its growth, we have only to imagine what would luippen 
to Germany if the condition in which Tacitus found it 
could be suddenly renewed. The great empire would 
be split into multitudinous fragments, none larger than 
an American township. These fragments, corresponding 
to the old tribal divisions, would be further subdivided 
into clans, and these again into families; and the mem- 
bers of the families, owning but partial allegiance to the 
patriarchal head, would act as their idiosyncrasies 
promptetl them. It is absurd to ask if such a Germany 
could withstand for a moment the onslaught of a united 
France. Forty-six million Germans with forty-six mil- 
lion notions as to the relative merits of the chassepot or 
mitrailleuse, would be wiped out of existence while dis- 
cussing means of defence. But forty-six million Ger- 
mans with only one opinion, can certainly defend them- 
selves successfully against thirt3^-eight million French- 
men with opinions as numerous and varied as their 
political parties. This greater unity of mind and pur- 
pose is a factor which will tell in favour of the Father- 
land in the next war. 

But this type of society is not a final one. When a 
nation has acquired the right to live unmolested, its 
progress begins to take a new course. The individual 
gradually regains his .individuality; for now his jierson 
and property are less frequently taken for the defence of 
the State. The society now advances from militancy 
towards industrialism; from socialism to individualism. 
England is advancing along this line; and owing to her 



SOCIAL ATAVISM. 89 

immunity from invasion, she is in the van of European 
progress. America is the only nation which has reached 
a stage in which industrialism predominates over mili- 
tancy. England annually spends about sixty-three mil- 
lions sterling on war, and debts incurred by war, while 
her civil charges are less than twenty millions. America 
spends but ten millions on war pre^Jarations; while her 
civil and pension lists amount to over seventy millions. 
Her police army of twenty-five thousand men is scarcely 
to be reckoned a sign of militancy. And this is what is 
meant by assigning to America the first place among 
nations. 

The absence of rank is another sign of Americans 
superiority. A concomitant of declining militancy is 
the transfer of power from the ruler to the people; and 
if this process goes far, the ruler falls into the ranks 
again, and equality results. An illustration is at hand. 
The Czar of Eussia lately killed an ofiicer who put 
his hand to his breast as if to draw a revolver. Under 
a military rkiime there is no tribunal to judge and 
punish this man who kills another in misapprehension 
of his purpose. But under an industrial regime the 
President of the United States or the Prince of Wales 
would be tried even for assault, and punished equally 
with any other citizen if found guilty. 

With decreasing demands upon the individual come 
decreased restraints upon his actions, ISTo longer re- 
quired to repel invaders, he is at liberty to move about at 
will, to make contracts with other men, to engage in 
manufactures, to buy and to sell; and under the perfect 
industrial reghne, he is subject to no restrictions except 
those imj3osed by the equal freedom of others. And 
thus is reached the political ideal of equal rights. 



90 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

If such an iudustriiil community suddenly begins to 
make elaborate preparation for war, it reverts to an 
ancestral form. If it establishes ranks, or grades of 
men, its return to a less perfect type is none tlie less 
marked. If it deprives individuals of that liberty of 
action which islimited only by the equal rights of all, its 
atavism is again conspicuous. The reader will now see 
what is meant when it is said that in America the 
highest social development the world has ever seen, is 
accompanied by the most marked examples of social 
atavism. 

And now let us look at these examples — political, 
social and personal. 

When English writers on political economy wish to 
illustrate in the clearest way the mischievous effects of 
governmental interference with commerce, they go back 
several centuries to quote the usury laws. In every 
part of America the usury laws are operative just as they 
were in Moses^ time or in the time of the Stuarts. And 
can their absurdity be better marked than by the fact 
that different States have different rates of legal in- 
terest, ranging from five to ten per cent? 

Congress recently undertook to regulate commerce be. 
tween States. It was thought by sapient legislators 
that managers of railways and steamboat companies did 
not know their business; so they passed the Interstate 
Commerce Bill, which among other things fixed the 
charges of railway companies and other carriers. The 
act has operated mischievously in numerous unforeseen 
ways. It is oppressive to theatrical companies; it is 
ruining some branches of trade with Canada; it has 
crippled many forms of business, and produced com 
plications of the most unexpected character. Many of 




SOCIAL ATAVISM. 91 

its clauses cannot be enforced, and it is a complete vindi- 
cation of the saying that restrictions will not " stay put." 
The prophet runs little risk of being discredited when 
he predicts that this meddling piece of legislation will 
have to be annulled. 

In April, 1887, over one hundred persons were arrested 
in New York for Sunday trading. Policemen in plain 
clothes went about the city, tempting 
people to break the old Sabbatarian 
laws which had almost become a dead 
letter. Some persons were arrested for 
shaving policemen; some for selling 
them liquor; some for selling them 
such essentials to Sabbath cleanliness 
and comfort as a handkerchief; and 
one poor old woman was locked up for being persuaded 
to sell a lamp-shade! For be it known that in the 
Eepublic a disguised policeman may incite to wrong, 
and then arrest the wrong-doer without the formality of 
a warrant ! And by a curious course of reasoning, the 
one who incites to the wrong, and in its commission 
acts as accomplice, is rewarded rather than punished! 
This method of assisting crime, by treachery, deceit and 
other detestable means, is the way in which the law tries 
to keep the Sabbath day holy ! 

In several States men are prohibited from buying 
alcoholic beverages at any time. A man who wants 
brandy, say for his sick wife, must go to a magistrate, 
and swear an affidavit that he does not intend to drink 
it himself, before he is permitted to buy a stated small 
quantity at the druggist's. This is to train men to self- 
control and temperance! ^ 

A spirited foreign policy moulded after that of 



92 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

Beacousfield, is a clear case of retrogression in the peace- 
ful industrial reiiublic; but the United States has its 
Jingo party, headed by a candidate for the Presidency. 
If this enterprising leader should ever be elected, we shall 
have our list of examples of atavism greatly prolonged. 

In the county of Columbia, Pennsylvania, a young 
man recently brought an action against his mother to 
recover damages for the loss of a dog, which he claimed 
she bewitched, so that it ran in a circle until it died of 
exhaustion. Shades of Cotton Mather and Judge 
Jeffries, are ye not happy again! The trial showed 
that there is an almost general belief in witchcraft, 
charms and magic spells among the farm population 
in these localities, and that there are many old women 
who are regularly consulted by young and old, and in 
whose arts and supernatural jiowers they put faith. 

About a year ago, at Mount i\[orris, Michigan, a 
Avhole family of sixteen persons went crazy over the 
belief that their premises were bewitched, and began 
cutting nicks in the ears of their pigs and cows to let 
the devil out. In Danbury, Connecticut, at the same 
time they were curing long-standing rheumatism by 
the charms of black snakes. 

Every day, advertisements worded as below appear in 
newspapers throughout America. These are from a 
single day's issue of the New York World : 

" At bcr parlors, G3 4tli avc, between 9th ami 10th sts., Mrs. 
Dr. Hill can be consulted on all alTairs of life, being a celebrated 
busines.s clairvoyant, astrologist and i>alniist, who has arei)Utatioa 
throughout the world for her accurate and truthful readings of the 
past, present and future; removes evil inlhienees and family 
estrangements; luiites the separated and causes speedy marriage; 
brings success to the unsuccessful, and tells when to make prolit- 



SOCIAL ATAVISM. 93 

able investments; consultations $1; also teHs full name and shows 
picture of the one you will many, for $1 ; strangers from other 
cities will save time and disappointment by calling on this genuine 
clairvoyant before going elsewhere; life reading and picture by 
mail on receipt of $1; lock of hair, full name and date of birth." 

" Arrived from Europe. — Mme. De Varney,the world renowned, 
highly celebrated clairvoyant; seventh daughter; born with veil 
and second sight; while in a trance will truthfully reveal every 
hidden mystery in life; removes troubles, evil influences; settles 
lovers' quarrels, brings separated together, causes speedy and 
happy marriages, and tells if the one you love is true or fake; 
advice given to gentlemen on business, and to young men what is 
best adapted for speedy riches; if you have been disappointed by 
others, judge not all alike. All in search of truth and satisfaction, 
call at 413 6th ave.; calls received Sundays." 

"Mme. Zingara, gypsy, 289 6th ave., cor. 18th st. It is well 
known throughout the world that gypsies are only reliable; 
removes evil intluences, causes love, marriages; advises in busi- 
ness, law, contracts, wills, divorces, absent friends, health; lucky 
charms free; seen on Sunday." 

" Zibola, clairvoyant, will read your destiny, good or bad; 
-withholds nothing; if in trouble, call at once; seen Sunday, 229 
8th ave., near 22d St.; fee, 50c." 

"Attention!— Consultation on business, lawsuits, absent friends, 
deaths, separations, date of marriage, everything revealed; no 
equal; fee moderate; satisfaction or no pay. Mrs. Pierce, cele- 
brated clairvoyant, 457 3d ave. , near 31st st. " 

"Mme. Bennett, celebrated clairvoyant and palmist, consults on 
all matters. 74 3d ave., near 11th st., one flight; hours, 9 to 9." 

" Mrs. Arnold, reliable trance medium; satisfaction guaranteed, 
137 West 23d St." 

" Dr. Laroche, French trance clairvoyant, asking no questions, 
gives the names of his sitters, ladies their married and maiden 
names; reunites the loved who are .separated; tells whom and 
when you are to marry; advises in business, law, contracts, wills, 
divorces, absent friends, health, etc. ; 9 to 9. 177 3d ave., 
above 16th." 

"Edith, colored clairvoyant; great secret discovered; private 
advice given. 216 West 28th st." 



94 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

" Lady Stanley, only true, gifted, most wonderful English 
palmist, reveals past and future; satisfaction, no pay. 366 3d ave., 
near 27tli st." 

Her ladyship must find the Republic a palmy place 
after England, where she and her craft must hide in 
holes and corners with the constant fear of arrest. For 
at home the Government kindly protects us from witches 
and wizards, as it used to protect us from Quakers. 

At the time of writing I am constantly hearing of a 
man in Xew York who is telling fortunes by palmistry, 
and getting scores of otherwise intelligent people to 
cross his hand with a ten-dollar bill. But here I ought 
to be silent; for this clever personage, who is being 
received into good society, is an Englishman. And is 
there not an English guide-book to palmistry " dedi- 
cated by permission to Her Serene Highness Princess 
Victoria Mary of Teck "I land of anomalies! 

The whipping-post survives in the south, and is about 
to be revived in Pennsylvania. Though England has 
not abolished this remnant of the mediaeval torture- 
chamber, the retrogression is none the less marked in 
Penn.'^ylvania — the Quaker State. Centuries of judicial 
torture have not taught us that men cannot be whipped 
into a high morality. The rod which produces venge- 
ful feelings and a surly temper in the schoolboy is not 
more soothing when laid across the back of a man. 
Judicial methods will have to be very much reformed 
when men better understand men's natures. 

Here is a suggestive newspaper item concerning this 
mode of torture: 

" WiLMiNfiTON, Del., Nov. 21, 18^5.— A large crowd, includ- 
ing seven amateur photographci-s with cameras, attended the 



SOCIAL ATAVISM. 95 

whipping at New Castle to-day. William Turner (colored), for 
larceny of a watch, took five lashes; Alexander R. Fields, charged 
with larceny, ten lashes; and John Manlove and William H. 
Morris, colored burglars, stood an hour in the pillory and received 
twenty lashes each." 

It reminds one of the Parisian photographers who, 
with the most improved instantaneous arrangements, 
were present at the pnblic execution by shooting of the 
bishops, and the communists. The ages clasp hands! 
Civilization reaches across the gulf of time, and receives 
a sympathetic handshake from the grizzly spectre of 
barbarism. We can imagine with what satisfaction 
these amateur photographers would have exposed a 
plate on Attila's pyramid of skulls, or the burning of 
Latimer, or Kero's living torches; and we are justified 
in supposing that if they felt any sorrow at all, it would 
only be becaitse the flames were not actinic. These are 
the men who can leap across the dead centuries into an 
earlier age: who display the zebra-markings of remote 
ancestors! 

In a land that claims to be the freest in the world, it 
seems an anomaly that you may not cross the road at 
some parts of Central Park. You are '• positively " 
forbidden to do so, lest you be knocked down by a 
passing vehicle; and if you persist you will probably be 
taken to jail by a policeman whose powers of arrest are 
limited only by his physical strength. This is nearly as 
funny as a cricket-match in France I once heard of: a 
gendarme stood by the bowler, and cautioned him not to 
send swift balls, because they would hurt the batter if 
they struck him! And I have heard some timid people 
plead that football ought to be forbidden by law, as a dan- 
gerous game. It would hardly be more absurd to de- 



96 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

mand that shin-pads be provided for the pla^'ers by 
government and paid for ont of the taxes. 

This prohibition from crossing a carriage track, is 
curiously incongruous in a country where locomotives 
dash through towns and over level crossings with little 
or no warning. Writing of this, Mr. Archibald Forbes 
says: ''The American theory, bluntly put, is that 
since it may be presumed a man has a greater interest 
in keeping alive than any one else has. in his doing so, 
the onus of self-preservation primarily rests on himself. 
The Australian theory, on the other hand, is that it is 
the duty of the State by every possible precaution and 
enactment to take care that the citizen be protected 
from his own carelessness. As in England so in 
Australia, every railroad is fenced, and every level 
crossing protected assiduously by gates." Here is a 
strange confusion of ideas! Mr. Forbes has completely 
inverted the positions. A person has either a right to 
pass along a public street or he has not. [The proposi- 
tion seems absurd — out of America.] If he has, he 
ought to be allowed to do so without the danger of 
being knocked down and killed by a locomotive. If he 
has not, he should be excluded from the street. Surely 
no reasonable being will contend that the English and 
Australian methods are not better than those of America. 
In American towns you sometimes hear a bell, a sudden 
rush, and before you know what is the matter, a train 
dashes through the street you are about to ci'oss. And 
how about level crossings ? Here is no question of "his 
own carelessness." No care will prevent accidents. 
Horses will take fright, people will stumble, or be hard 
of hearing, or blind. That some Americans do not live 
up to what ^Ir. Forbes calls the American theory is 



SOCIAL ATAVISM. 97 

proved by the frequent protests which find their way 
into newspapers. 

" During the past j'car The World has chronicled the rlcatb of 
at least one person a day at railroad crossings in New Jersey. In 
consideration for killing this number the railroad companies have 
paid a sum wholly inadequate to the loss— probably not over twenty- 
five thousand dollars altogether. . . . The effect is appaiTnt. Grade 
crossings — an abomination in an age of progress — exist without 
number. Gates are few, far between, and generally cumbersome 
and rotten. Trains dash across the crowded streets of Newark, 
Jersey City, Camden, Elizabeth and New Brunswick with little 
if any diminution of speed. Human life is placed at a discount. 
These facts are well known. Instances are too numerous to re- 
quire specification, and yet nothing is done to check this daily 
slaughter. This is a cold and unfeeling earth upon which we 
live, but there is no reason why the railroads should have the 
whole of it." 



Indianapolis has been called the City of Concentric 
Circles, because of the many railway girdles which sur- 
round it. Every approach to the city is cut up with 
level crossings. Some friends of mine who live just 
outside the city, have to send the children across these 
railway tracks to school. When they are safely over, 
the children telephone home that they are still alive. 
Between a compulsory lav/ requiring attendance at school 
and half a dozen railway crossings forbidding ifc, the 
American parent is sometimes in a pitiful dilemma. 

In towns the danger is increased by the frequency of 
tram-lines, for which a railway track may be easily 
mistaken. Indeed they are practically the same, and 
are called by the same name — railroads. In many towns 
the train goes right through the streets, sometimes — as at 
Syracuse — behind a tram-car, and running so near the 
7 



98 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

sidewalks that you might toss a coin into a fruit-shop 
and receive your purchase through the car window. 

A bill Avas not long since introduced into the Georgia 
legislature (as a jest, it is said) to impose an annual tax 
of $2.50 on bachelors. It was considered such an out- 
rage, that the member who introduced it was challenged 
by an editor to a duel. There are scores of bills intro- 
duced into the State legislatures more outrageous than 
this: so many, indeed, that there would be initiated a 
state of private war if every foolish bill-maker were 
challenged to a duel. Even at this late day we find 
legislators so ignorant of history, as to attempt to fix 
prices by enactment. The rates for telephones, the 
price of gas, the dividends of corporations, are thus 
fixed in IS'ew York State. There, too, a compulsory 
Saturday half-holiday has been legalized; an attempt 
has been made to erect free Turkish baths supported by 
taxation; a law has been passed against catching trout 
less than six inches long, so that you have to take a 
foot rule with you when you go a fishing; a bill has been 
introduced to buikl grain elevators to be operated by 
the State; and, as if to make the As- 
sembly at Albany seem ludicrous as 
well as ignorant, a leader of the legis- 
(^ laiure has just had passed a bill mak- 
ing it a misdemeanor to feed or har- 
bour sparrows ! Why don't these sages 
make it penal to feed and harbour 
LegWutois .irafiins mosquitocs, or to havc the small-pox? 
a bill Well may Puck exclaim, "What fools 

these mortals be I" They look to the law for protection; 
but what is to protect them against the law ? 

It has been frequently noted that men will act col- 




SOCIAL ATAVISM. 99 

lectively in a manner which each, as an individual, would 
consider foolish or despicable. Not long since I saw the 
students of Columbia College — a set of well-bred young 
gentlemen — march, at night, through the streets of 
New York wearing night-shirts over their clothes. They 
were celebrating the anniversary of their college. But 
there was unquestionably not an individual among them 
who would have walked down Fifth Avenue alone in his 
night-shirt. When a man makes a fool of himself, he 
likes to have company. It must be an allied reason that 
allows so much folly to crystallize into laws. 

Many obsolete offences are preserved in America. 
These, as survivals, are not examples of atavism; but 
they are of the same nature, and are too interesting not 
to be mentioned here. 

At Washington, Pennsylvania, a man was recently 
tried and found guilty of barratry. The newspaper re- 
port defines this strange offence : 

" It seems that the defendant has for years made himself prom- 
inent as a mischief-maker, and the practice has become so fre- 
quent that the i^ood citizens of the neighborhood deemed it neces- 
sary to sit down on him." 

Here is another legal curiosity : 

EA VESDROPPING. 

Philadelphia, July 8. — Assistant District Attorney Kinsey 
sent into the Grand Jury to-day an indictment in the following 
word< : 

"That Louisa Ehrline on the 21st of June, 1886, and on each 
and every day thence continually until the day of the finding 
of this indictment, was and is a common eavesdropper, and on 
each and all of said days and times did listen about the houses and 



100 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

under the windows and caves of the houses of the citizens then 
aiwl there dwelling, bearing tattle and repeating the same in the 
hearing of other persons, to the common nuisance of the citizens 
of this Commonwealth and against the peace and dignity of the 
Commonwealth of Pennsylvania." 

The grand jury returned a true bill. 

Scolds are still amenable to law^ in Pennsylvania: 

" PniLADEi.pniA, Oct. 23 [1886] (Special).— On the evidence of 
fifteen people at the Central Station this afternoon Mrs. A. Clauden 
and Mrs. Kate Lee were held in $600 bail for being common 
scolds. The testimony showed that the women were lighting all 
day and half the night, and made the lives of their neighbors 
miserable." 

Actions at law are often instituted to recover damages 
for alienating a wife's or husband's affections ! And I 
once read of a woman who sought to recover five thou- 
sand dollars damages, because her husband, an expert 
swimmer, was drowned while bathing from the defend- 
ant's pavilion ! 

A short time ago two young girls in Connecticut hav- 
ing been seen at a roller-skating rink in defiance of their 
mother's orders, and being afraid to return home, took 
train to New York, The sweetheart of one of tliem 
telegraphed to the Xew Yo)'k police and had them 
arrested, and held until he came to take them home. 
Uere is a wondrous power given to an individual. A 
person may telegraph, in an assumed name if he likes, 
to some distant town, and cause tiie arrest of anybody 
he wishes to annoy I A lunatic with a mania for having 
people arrested might create some curious complications 
under this system of primitive officialism. In America 
arrests seem to be the panacea for every evil. Is a per- 




SOCIAL ATAVISM. 101 

son a gambler and likely to impoverish his family; his 
wife has him arrested. Is a lover backward in fulfilling 
his promise; his sweetheart has him arrested. Does a 
woman suspect her husband of an inten- 
tion to elope; she has him arrested. Is a 
man rude to a policeman, or does the 
policeman think him so; he is arrested. 
I have seen in Chicago a driver taken from 
his cart and lodged in jail for telling a 
policeman to go to Slieol; and in New 
York a gentleman was recently arrested 
because his horse ran away with him, and 
after throwing him, knocked down a road- 
mender. And when arrested what be- ^i^-^ 
conies of all these people ? Well, the a moral prophy- 

lactic. 

gambler is made to promise to mend his 
ways or make provision for his family; the lover must 
show cause for his delay, or else marry the girl, often 
on the spot; the suspected husband has to declare his 
faithfulness; the man who had the temerity to brave a 
policeman is cautioned or " sent up," as seems best 
suited to his degree of offence. As a curious bit of 
romance and an illustration of grandmotherly republi- 
canism, I quote the following from a New York paper. 
Similar cases can be found any day. 

AUGUST MUST MARRY. 

A YOUNG GERMAN DETAINED IN THE TOMBS UNTIL HE AND 
CHRISTINA ARE MARRIED. 

When Christina Swan and August Morio eloped from Hamburir 
together three mouths ago they came to this city with the inten- 
tion of marrying at once. August took his sweetheart to the home 
of his brother, iu First street, and not having sufficient money to 



102 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

enable him to support her he requested that she wait a few weeks. 
Christina secureti a situation as a domestic and August remained 
at the home of his brother, Henry. The hxtter being quite poor 
and August being an experienced carpenter, August managed to 
assist his brother in maintaining his houseliold and supporting a 
remarkably pretty wife. The wife recognized August's genius and 
admired him, while the newly arrived brother fell desperately in 
love with Henry's wife. He forgot all about his sweetheart, 
Christina, and she, discovering how matters stood, applied at 
Castle Garden for assistance in comi)elling August to keep his 
promise to her and marry her. 

AugTist was arrested on Christina's complaint and lodged in 
Ludlow Street Jail. Promising to marry her lie was released, 
but he failed to keep his promise, and ridding himself of the girl 
he induced Henry and his wife to move to No. 87 First street, a 
few blocks from their former residence. Christina, after vainly 
endeavoring to find her lover, again apidied at Castle Garden, and 
Detective Grodeu was detailed to find the recreant lover. Yesterda}' 
he arrested August just as he was entering his brother's home in 
First street, and was taken to the Tombs Court, where he promised 
to marry Christina to-day. 

" I would have married her before," said August, " but my 
sister-in-law induced me not to do so." 

" And he won't marry her now," screamed Henry's wife, who 
•wa.s present. " He loves me, and I won't have him marrying a 
woman he does not love. He is mine." 

"But you are married," interposed Justice White. 

" It don't make any difference," screamed the excited woman. 
" August is too good a man to marry his Swan woman, and my 
husband and I want him with us." 

Christina was not present in the Court, and for fear August would 
again try to escape from her. Justice White held Mono until to- 
day, when he will sec that the couple are married. August is only 
eighteen years old, but is an experienced workman. His brother 
is a .shoemaker, and business being dull he finds it hard to support 
his wife without August's assistance. 

August, married at eiglttcen against liis will, by the 
magistrate of a reiiublie, may rub liis eyes and fancy hi^ • 



SOCIAL ATAVISM. 103 

self back in Germany, nndcr an even more paternal 
regime than he knew there. When we read of Fred- 
erick the Great going about Berlin^ berating tJie apple- 
women who did not knit as tlicy sat at their stalls, or 
flogging other idlers with his cane, v/e may admire the 
energy and watchfulness of the old man without admit- 
ting the divine right of kings to administer personal 
chastisement at discretion. So, too, we may admire the 
official benevolence that would ease the heartache of 
Christina, or save from potential liarm the gambler's 
wife, without admitting the right of republics to arrest 
peojDle ad libitum. It is common to place witnesses under 
arrest in free America; and a judge in New Jersey as- 
sures me that the thief who steals my watch may be 
bailed out of jail, while I am held in durance vile as a 
witness against him ! * 

The American's motto is "hurry up;" ho applies it 
to every transaction of his life. He skips lialf the mar- 
riage-service, and leaves out the long prayers at funerals. 
In his legal affairs he is equally quick. It is handier 
when you have your man, be he witness or offender, to 
clap him into jail than to go through the trouble of 
taking his name and address, and serving at his house a 
magistrate's summons. Such things may do for an old 
effete monarchy; but in the new re^oublic things have 

* "We have frequently called attention to the Inconsistency of 
the law which allows a person charged witli crime to remain at 
large and locks up in prison an innocent witness to the offence. 
Not long ago a man who was arrested for assaulting a woman he 
was alleged to have enticed into his house was liberated on bail, 
while his victim was held a close prisoner in the House of De- 
tention until the trial took place." — The New York World, June 21, 
1887 



104 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

to "hurry up," and individual rightrf often get jostled 
in the rush, llemcniber, America is five liours be- 
hind England, and men have to put in all they know 
to make up those live hours. A New Yorker who gets 
a splash of oil on his hat when passing under the elevated 
railway simply runs into the nearest hatter's and buys a 
new tile. An Englishman would spend several weeks 
waiting about the law courts, and pay two or three 
pounds in la^vyer's fees, in order to make the railway 
company pay for the damaged hat. 

As a rule the English nuxn is jihlegmatic and cold- 
blooded; but if the incident described in the following 
extract had happened in Berkeley Square or Porchester 
Terrace, there would have been a small revolution : 

" A small regiment of Itiilian laborers, with picks and shovels 
on their shoulders, marched noiselessly into Thirty-fourth street, 
between Fifth and Sixth avenues, just as darkness was setting in 
on Wednesday. A moment later the aristocratic quiet of the 
street was broken by the sharp contact of steel picks with Belgian 
blocks. Toil hardened hands rapidly piled the blocks into long 
heaps on the south sidewalk, and mounds of dirt looking like 
miniature mountain ranges sprang up in the street. One by one 
the doors of the tine houses in the street were opened, and floods 
of light streamed out with indignant citizens, who demanded from 
the foreman of the laborers what authority he had for digging up 
the street. The foreman showed a permit horn the Department 
of Pidilic Works, and introduced the indignant citizens to In- 
spector Mooucy. The permit allowed the Thirty-fourth Street 
Kailroad Construction Company to lay tracks in Thi'ty-fourth 
street. The road got the consent of the Board of Aldermen several 
months ago. The indignant citizens denounced the work as an 
outrage, and hurried around among their friends and neighbors 
asking and making suggestions as to what they ought to do. 
They fnially concluded that, as the courts were closed tlicn, they 
would have to wait. So they all went to their homes and tried to 



SOCIAL ATAVISM. 105 

sleep. They were unable to do this, however, as, in addition to 
the sound of picks and shovels and the clatter of Belgian blocks, 
they heard the buzz of the cross-cut saw going through joists and 
sleepers and the jangle of steel rails on the stones. At midnight 
the noise ceased, and the laborers shouldered their iuiplcmeuts and 
inarched away." 

lu thi.3 instance the residents took such a vigorous 
course that the rails were taken uj) and the road is still 
clear. But in the case of Forty-second Street the people 
were j)owerIess to prevent the laying of the tracks; and 
the jingle of the carbells now sounds night and day 
through this once-fashionable street. Sttch occasional 
awakenings are good for the New Yorkers. They serve 
to divert their attention from business to local politics, 
and remind them of the class of men they are governed 
by. They serve also to show the true character of the 
political fetish from which, by some kind of Mumbo- 
Jumboism, they expect to get '^tlie greatest happiness 
of the greatest number." 

The history of social progress is the history of the 
emancipation from tyranny. In America and in Eng- 
land, the individual has freed himself from the tyranny 
of nobles, kings and other species of despots; but he is 
now being enslaved by a new opiDressor — the will of the 
majority'. The old Grecian theory that the individual 
has no rights against the State has been rehabilitated 
by modern politicians; and in the two foremost coun- 
tries of the world, the proposition has acquired the 
reputation of an axiom. " The greatest good of the 
greatest number" is an admirable thing to legislate for; 
but when every man differs from every other man as to 
what really is the greatest good, and as to what really is 



lOG 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



the best means of achieving it, the crystallization of 
opinions into laws is apt to display irregularities, causing 
flaws, fractures and failures of all kinds. There never 
vs^as a time when political theorizing was carried to such 
an extreme as at present, nor a time when more good 
and thoughtful men were working out what they think 
is the political salvation of the race. But unity of 
opinion amongst these workers does not exist. There is 
no common political creed. All are dissenters— except 
in one particular, and here all are agreed. Socialists, 
anarchists, communists, land-nationalizationists, protec- 
tionists—all agree that the individual has no rights 
against the State. And in conformity with this belief, 
law-nuikers are at Avork in parliament, in congress, and 

State legislature, creating 
greater hai")piness for greater 
numbers by depriving the 
units of the power of mak- 
ing themselves happy in 
their own fashion. In short, 
there is being created a type 
of citizen wholly without 
self-dependence — one who 
lacks initiative, and who 
constantly expects govern- 
ment to do things that 
ought to be done by himself. 
Human nature is plastic and 
lends itself readily to legis- 
lative moulding. It is a questionable kindness of the 
law-maker, however, to fashion the citizen after the 
model of a mendicant. 

The ailectionate cruelty of governmental methods re- 




Ijeyislulor iiiutii-lliiig a cilii^t-ii. 




SOCIAL ATAVISM. 107 

minds one of Isaac Walton's funny directions for fishing 
with frogs. Says he: " Thus use your 
frog: put your hook, I mean the arm- 
ing wire, througli his mouth, and out 
at his gills, and then with a fine needle 
and silk sew the upper part of his leg ---^ 
with only one stitch to the arming wire 
of your hook, or tie the frog's leg above ^^-^ 
the upper joint to the armed wire; and 
in so doing, use him as though you loved him" ! 

The modern legislator is the angler. Lovingly, 
gently, firmly he takes the citizen for bait, passes a 
hook through his gills, sews him up with a fine needle 
and the prettiest colored silk, or ties his hands to his 
feet with red tape, and affectionately dangling him into 
the stream of human perplexities, waits for the greatest 
happiness of the greatest number. Atavism? Atavism 
is much too good a name for it! 

There is much laudation of direct methods nowa- 
days. If you see an evil, go for it! Go for it by the 
shortest cut! In Felkin's Uganda there is a fanny 
story of a direct method: 

" We went one day," says lie, " to pay a visit to a [Soudanese] 
officer, and to our surprise found him lying on a bed with his 
head hanging- over the end of it, having a small paper funnel 
stuck into one nostril, and at the same time chewing something. 
On our asking the meaning of this extraordinary pi'occoding, he 
replied that he was suffering from headache, and wished to grease 
his brain, so was pouring oil down the funnel into his nose, under 
the impression that it would find its way into the skull; and he 
said, pointing to his temple, 'You see, if I chew at the same time, 
it makes the brain work, so that it will be more quickly greased.' " * 

* ii. 160. 



108 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

Tliis is the kind of pathology legishitors practise when 
Society's head aches. To alleviate pain in the body politic 
this is the order of intelligence used, the quality of 
scientific knowledge displayed. And yet, forsooth, men' 
speak of the government as they speak of Wisdom, Jus- 
tice, or any other abstraction, forgetting that '* the 
Government" is but Some-of-us elected to serve All- 
of-us. So completely are men dominated by this gov- 
ernment superstition that one rarely hears condemnation 
of a stupid meddlesome law; they accept it as natural 
and inevitable, as they would bad crops or a tornado. 
A man who had legislatures at his beck and call is re- 
puted to have said : " The public be damned!" It is 
nearly time for tlie public to reverse this saying on the 
government both in England and America, even with a 
rumbling double-bass accompaniment from anarchists 
and nihilists. 




CITIES AND SOCIAL SETS. 



109 



CHAPTER YIIL 



CITIES AND SOCIAL SETS. 

" In men this blunder still you find, 
All think their little set mankind." 

Hannah More. 

HO was the 

first man ? " 
asked a 
teacher of 
his class. 
'^ G e o r g e 
Was h i n g- 
ton I'prompt- 
ly replied a 
bright-eyed 
boy; adding 
in an nnder- 
tone the oft- 
quoted lines 
— "First in 
peace, first in 
war, and first 
in the hearts 
of his coun- 
trymen!" ''But did you never hear of Adam?" queried 
tlie surprised teacher. " Oh yes, hut he was a foreigner." 
Concerning national institutions — and George Wash- 
ington is one — the American people display complete 
unanimity of feeling. This bright boy's answer is one 




110 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

that might have been given in any schoolliouse between 
Kennebunkport in Maine and Kewaskum in Wisconsin. 
On the general excellence of the United States as a na- 
tion, or of America as a continent, no difference of opin- 
ion exists from the Atlantic to the Pacific, or, as our 
friend of the Paris dinner-party would say, from the Au- 
rora Borealis in the north to the precession of the equi- 
noxes in the south. Indeed it is only by a supreme effort 
that politicians can get up any difference of opinion on 
questions of national policy. Parties like our conserva- 
tives and liberals with strong dividing lines, are unknown 
in America; the nearest approach to them being the tariff- 
reform party, generally identified with the democrats, 
and the iron-bound protectionists, led by a few promi- 
nent republicans. Except on this question, Americans 
are unanimous that as a nation they have nothing to de- 
sire, nothing to amend, mod'fy or reform. As a result 
nobody takes any interest in the doings of Congress — 
except in the periodical discussions of the silver ques- 
tion and the tariff. Tiie governmental machine is per- 
fect and automatic; and so it is allowed to run along 
without the constant jolting and frequent stoppages of 
older machines with their intricate equipment of cabi- 
nets, executives, oppositions and the like. 

But with perfect unanimity about things national 
there goes complete dissent about things civic. The 
rivalries of cities are carried to a ludicrous extreme. 
The Philadelphian has nothing favourable to say of 
the liostonian; and l)oth agree that no good can come 
from Gotham. While Chicago hates St. Louis with a 
hatred that is qualified only by the pride of having sur- 
passed her, she is willing to agree with her quondam 
rival in despising Detroit or Milwaukee. JMinneapolis 
an<l St. I'aiil, originally situated a dozen miles apart, 



CITIES AND SOCIAL SETS 111 

now mingle their suburbs, and hate each other worse 
than Sparta detested Athens. Each charges the other 
with copying into the census names from tombstones, 
and duplicating living citizens, so as to appear greater 
than its rival; and it is averred that young men living 
in either city marry by preference girls belonging to 
the rival city, so as to decrease its population by one! 
These towns will awake some morning to find them- 
selves wards of a greater city than either has yet 
dreamed of. 

This rivalry takes a strong hold of journalists, and 
newspajiers are made spicy with quips and quirks about 
neighbouring cities. In a list of recipes to keep cool 
with a ninety-nine thermometer given in Life, two are 
Jokes aimed at rival cities. One way to keep cool is to 
"talk to a Boston girl;" another is to "go to Philadel- 
phia/' Bostonians say that people often die in Phila- 
delphia of sheer inanition — the place is so dull; and it 
is asserted that strangers visiting the Quaker City and 
going into society are literally bored to death. Philadel- 
phians retort with stories about the Boston girl, or re- 
late how cows coming homewith dreary windings, laid out 
Boston streets, and 
gave them that crook- 
edness which is so re- 
freshing after life in 
cities built in geomet- , 
ric figures. "Bnt| 
you will admit that^ 
our city is at least ^ 
well laid out," said a 
Philadelphia girl at 
Bar Harbor, playing " Weii laid out." 

her last trump in a game with one of the elect from Bos- 




]12 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

ton. "Well laid out? Oh yes; but Boston would be 
better laid out if it were only half as dead !" and she 
calmly wrote " Hub " on the sands. It really seems that 
J'hiladelphia always gets the worst of these contests; and 
the result is that she is more subject to attack than any 
other city. This was neatly expressed by a young lady 
from Cincinnati with whom I was talking at Washing- 
ton. I was saying that Philadelphia was a city of homes, 
not of apartment-houses: "it spread over a far greater 
area than New York with less than half the inhabitants." 
" That's because it has been so much sat upon/' promptly 
replied the fair Cincinnatian. I once innocently asked 
a lady from Detroit what sort of a place was Kalamazoo. 
"Oh," said she, with ineffable scorn, "Kalamazoo is a 
little one-horse place where they raise celery and have a 
lunatic asylum." The imputation of large feet to Chi- 
cago and St. Louis girls by other cities is another out- 
come of this rivalry; but this, the girls of St. Louis pro- 
test, is "carrying a joke to extremities." I lately read 
in an Eastern journal that railway conductors now an- 
nounce the arrival of the train by crying "Chicago! 
twenty minutes for divorcel" But Chicago rarely "gets 
left" in this kind of banter. A stranger visiting the 
Garden City went to the theatre, and thinking he would 
get a better seat if the clerk in the box-oflice knew that 
he represented a great community, said: "I come from 
Boston," "Boston!" rci^eatcd the clerk as though he 
imperfectly remembered the name; "is not that the 
])Iacc where they spell 'culture' with a big C and ' God' 
with a little g?" 

Americans cry "Chestnuts!" when they hear the be- 
ginning of an old story. Englishmen wait to the end, 
and then with a smile say: "I always liked that story." 



CITIES AND SOCIAL SETS. 113 

It is hard to say which is the more discouraoing; but I 
am willing to risk both in the hope of occasionally giv- 
ing a new form to an old joke or telling an old story to 
a new hearer. 

Much has been written by English excursionists to 
the United States in deprecation of the custom of nam- 
ing towns after historic places in the old world. If the 
excursionists stayed long enough they would outgrow 
this feeling. Babylon on Long Island has the pleasant- 
est of memories for me; and I know some excellent men 
of whom I am agreeably reminded by the names of their 
homes at Syracuse, Utica and Goshen. The index to 
stations in an American railway-guide is one of the fun- 
niest bits of reading — after Johnson's dictionary — that a 
picnic party ever indulged in. Mixed up vvith names 
such as Nazareth, Jericho, Eome, Carthage, are Indian 
names such as Koshkonong, Ty-Ty, Wahkiakum, Sno- 
homish, or Klikatat. Then there are samples of native 
ingenuity like Hookium, Nenolepops, Lick-skillet, Hog- 
eye, Shirttail Bend, Puppytown, Squitch Gulch, Toenail 
Lake, and an infinity of SmithoiDolises, Jonesopolises, or 
Robinsonvilles ! 

At our picnic ''Manly Junction'* raised the sugges- 
tion that it be changed to " Gentlemanly Junction" — as 
sounding better; while the name of a California town 
recalled a story which the lady who told it said was 
a very naughty one. It was of a man, who having 
asked a demure-looking girl, a small boy and a sad-eyed 
clergym.an, "What town is this?" concluded from their 
answers that the whole population was vulgar, rude, and 
addicted to profanity. The town was Yuba Dam. 
Nineveh, Athens, Corinth, Memphis, Cairo, are repre- 
sented on the American continent, some by " little one- 
8 



114 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

horse places" as my Detroit friend would say; some by 
towns surpassing in size and wealth their historic proto- 
types. One would naturally think that the association 
of such names with little dingy towns of unpainted 
wooden houses and plastic roads, would deprive Ameri- 
cans of that mingled reverence and awe which old places 
and historic names inspire in us. But no such eli'ect is 
seen in Americans abroad. Indeed their delight in his- 
toric places is greater than that of those who live sur- 
rounded by the evidences of past ages and generations 
of men. An American after visiting London usually 
knows more of the haunts of Johnson, Goldsmith, 
Dickens and other writers Avhom he has known since 
boyhood, than does the native Londoner, to whom 
Fleet Street is peopled with active business rivals 
rather than with the spirits of departed authors. 

American cities usually have some nickname, derived 
from their most striking peculiarities. Brooklyn — called 
after Breukelen, a little village near Utrecht — is the 
City of Churches. Gotham is an old nickname for New 
York which is sinking into forgetfulness. In old files of 
ncAvspapers I have seen many a laugh at the Gothamites. 
Still " I ween that more fools pass through Gotham than 
remain in it,'' for it is a delightful city. AYashington, 
laid out on paper as an immense city, remains the City 
of Magnificent Distances, though it is rapidly fulfilling 
the great expectations entertained of it. Chicago is 
prettily called the (iarden City; but it has a rival for 
this name in the toy city built on Long Island by 
Stewart the millionaire haberdasher. Boston, besides 
being the Hub of the Universe, disputes with Edinburgh 
the name of ]\rodern Athens. Mushroomopolis is the 
awkward-sounding cognomination which Kansas City 



CITIES AND SOCIAL SETS. 115 

has earned by its rapid growth. Cincinnati is called by 
residents Queen City. JSTon-residents and scoffers used 
to call it Porkopolis; but Chicago has deprived it of its 
claim to this as first pig-sticking city in America. Du- 
luth while it was a city mainly on paper and laid out in 
the backwoods, became the " Zenith City of the Un- 
salted Seas,'' and its growth from almost nothing to 
thirty thousand in fifteen years justifies some such 
appellation. 

The rivalries of Italian cities in medieval times have 
rarely given origin to a more romantic story than that 
of Duluth's contest with its quondam rival Superior, 
concerning the canal across Minnesota Point. The 
Northern Pacific Railway made Duluth its lake termi- 
nus, but soon experienced inconvenience because it had 
no harbour save the shallow upper end of the Bay of 
Superior. Fearing that the railway peoj^le would move 
their terminus, the citizens of Duluth decided to make 
a canal across the narrow sandspit of Minnesota Point, 
so as to connect their harbour directly with the lake. 
But the town of Superior, which occupied a j^osition at 
the mouth of the bay, alleged that the waters of the St. 
Louis Eiver would leave their natural channel through 
the bay and flow out through the canal, if it were made, 
leaving their town high and dry; and they made such 
representations to the government that an injunction 
was granted forbidding the canal. The lawyers had to 
go for their injunction to Topeka, Kansas, where the 
United States Circuit Court was sitting. The news was 
telegraphed to enterprising Duluth, and while the papers 
were speeding northward in the train, the canal was 
commenced. Every man, woman, and child in Duluth 
who could handle a spade or shovel, or beg, borrow or 



116 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

steal a bucket or basket, flocked down to the point, and 
dug, scratched, burrowed at the canal until it was 
finished. Before the lawyers reached the Zenith City of 
the Unsalted Seas, the citizens and their wives and 
children were celebrating the accomplishment of their 
great work. The result predicted by Superior followed: 
a strong current set out through the canal, and the old 
entrance to the bay shallowed three feet in the next 
gale. Kivalry between the two towns has now ceased. 
Superior belies her name and remains the village she 
has been for a quarter of a century. Duluth is great 
and prosperous. AVharves and grain - elevators are 
springing up on her sandy point; and a busy com- 
mercial centre has leaped into existence. A dozen short 
lines centre there already, and six great railways will 
soon be pouring into Duluth, the vast commercial drain- 
age of the great northwest. Bravo, Duluth! 

The society of each town is not homogeneous. There 
are strata in republican society Just as there are in 
aristocratic communities. But 
a man is not born into a rank, 
j\\\\ and taught by the catechism to 
^'''M\ remain there: to do his duty 
-T,' in that state of life to Avliich 
y^)M ^' , 'i^ it has pleased God to call him. 
/In In America, he passes up and 

down, though with some limi- 
tations. His position is often regulated by his balance 
at the bank. At other times the nature of his business 
indicates his social peg-hole. The society of Cin- 
cinnati, for example, was found by a Bostonian to be 
divided into Stick-'ems and Stuck-'ems. The former 
class consisted of those who still stick pigs; the latter 




CITIES AND SOCIAL SETS 117 

was made up of those who have stuck 'em. but who 
stick 'era no longer: retired pork-packers — not butchers 
— and their children. Similarly in Pittsburgh, I was told 
by a resident that one's father must own a blast-fur- 
nace to secure one's admission to the ultra-fashionable 
set. The grade immediately beneath this, I was told, 
was formed by those whose fathers had ceased to work 
in shirt-sleeves. It was a Pittsburgher, by the way, 
who said that in America there are only three genera- 
tions from shirt-sleeves to shirt-sleeves. In ^Yashington 
the society is mainly political, and the grades are there 
formed by ministers, senators and congressmen. Except 
among the ladies there is little attention paid to rules of 
precedence. American men have no time for such 
nonsense. In Philadelphia a few old Quaker families 
who do ,not go much into society, monopolize the 
glamour that ancient birth confers. For the rest, the 
society is commercial, the strata being those common in 
England, of which the most conspicuous are the "re- 
tail" and the " wholesale." New York is a cosmopoli- 
tan city. Indeed Chicagoans deny that it is American. 
An Irishman landing there cries, ''Be dad! it's fur all 
the wurrld loike Corrk !" A German exclaims, Ganz wie 
Berlinj the Chicagoan bluntly asks: " What's the next 
train for the United States?" The society of iS^'ew 
York may not be representative of American society in 
general; but it is very enjoyable. After London, New 
York ! After New York, the Del — I mean Boston ! In 
the Empire City the social strata are not horizontal 
and superposed, but vertical and side by side. There 
are many " sets," but it would be difficult to indicate 
the highest. Perhaps the one which is all-powerful in 
Boston and which is pretty large in New York, should 



118 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



be named iirst, tlie intellectual set. The nucleus of this 
is formed by the Nineteenth Century Club, a society of 
some hundred and fifty members of both sexes, before 
whom every conceivable subject from Christian dogma 
to Free Love is discussed without fastidiousness and yet 
with sensibility. It is a curious amalgam of fashion and 
intellect. Its meetings take the form of social recep- 
tions held until lately at the house of the president in 
Gramercy Park, now at the art-galleries in Madison 
Square. Writers of repute from other cities and mem- 
bers of the club read papers or make speeches on all 
conceivable topics, while the members and their friends 
to the number of about five hundred sit around 07i camp- 
chairs in all the glory of swallow-tails and decollete 

dresses. Here in- 
tellectual ^gems vie 
in brilliancy with 



diamond bracelets, 
and shapely necks 
and heaving bosoms 
divide your atten- 
tion with glowing 
thoughts and well- 
turned phrases. It 
is a heavenly com- 
bination! The club 
has no constitution. 
Its motto, " Prove 
all things; hold fast 




Discussing tlie lecture. 



that which is good," indicates the width of its hearth. 
Round it in friendly converse, gather Catholic priests. 
Unitarian and Baptist ministers. Free-thinkers, Agnos- 
tics, Positivists, Socialists, Crcmatiouists, and thinkers 



CITIES AND SOCIAL SETS. 



119 



of every possible type, but always of good calibre. It is 
indeed a microcosm of the world — except that grumblers 
are excluded. I never heard of any similar society in 
which envy, hatred, malice and all uncharitableness 
were so conspicuously absent. JSTeither are there any of 
those little jealousies which make up the irritants of 
life. Eound this centre of light, gyrate smaller social 
systems, with all their attendant orbs and satellites, 
spreading far across space — from Madison Square to 
Harlem and Hobokeu — and dotting the intellectual 
firmament with an infinitude of lesser lights. 

Next should be mentioned the Knickerbockers — the 
descendants of the Dutch squatters of Xew Amsterdam 
before the British took it 
and called it New York. 
These are hardly to be 
called a set. Though 
proud of their lineage they 
are not at all exclusive, 
and may be found in every 
circle. Their old Dutch 
names have rarely been 
anglicized, as is often the 
"^case with French and 
German names, and in the New York directory may be 
found such Jaw-dislocators as have been strung together 
in the following rhyme: 




A Dutch squatter. 



" Wliere be the Dutchmen of the olden time, 
Who saw our ancient city in its prime? 
The Vander Voots, Van Rippers, and Dycks; 
The Vanderheydeus, Slingerlands, Ten Eycks; 
The Knickerbockers, Lansings, and Van Burens, 
Van Dams, Van Winkles, Stuyvesants, Van Kewrcns; 



120 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

The Hoffmans, Rosbooms, ITojcbooins ami Schroder.s, 
Van Valkenbnrg-lis, and Stimtcnburghs aud Schneiders, 
Van Scbaacks, Van Vechtons, Visi-i-hcrs, and Van Wics, 
Van Tromi)s, Van Scboonhovcns, and Vanderzees, 
Van Zandts, Van Clarconis, Scbiiylers, Van Schcllynes, 
Douws, llooglands, Waldrons, Vauderburgbs, andPiuyns. 
De Witts, Hocbstrasses. Bontecous, Van Gicsons, 
Van Gaasbecks, Grosbecks, Bensous. Van and lliesons: 
Where are they all, those men of sounding name. 
Of pipe, knee-breeches and round- bellied fiame?" 

The authors and artists of New York have their clubs, 
but they form no set. Then* periodical meetings are 
merry gatherings of the free-and-easy kind; and here 
one may learn that great men can drop their dignity, 
and revel in lager beer and chipped beef like ordinary 
mortals. The Century Club is the Athenjeum of 
America. It has a very stately look after the Author's 
Club. The Lotus corresponds nearest to our Savage. 
The brightest of Bohemians make this their resting- 
place. 

One hears in New York of a small set of ultra-fashion- 
ables, who are said to be so exclusive that it is only by 
reading the social items in the Home Journcd or the 
World that one can know what is going on in it. ''J'his 
set consists of the few to whom wealth has survived 
descent through two generations. I have met several 
members of this circle. There is nothing remarkable to 
report about them. They incline to ape the British 
aristocracy; and of this their exclusiveness is quoted as 
a sign. Some members of this set were, a few years ago, 
publicly rebuked by the director of the opera for loud 
talking during the performance. It takes more than 
three generations for some natures to get acQUstomed to 
wealth. 



CITIES AND SOCIAL SETS. 121 

This reminds one of the great change which has taken 
place in American manners since Mrs. Trollope's day. 
Mrs. Trollope wrote her imjiressions of America fifty 
years ago, and, Joined witli some exaggeration, told 
so many unpleasant truths that her name in Ameri- 
can mouths has not yet recovered its naturally sweet 
savour. One of the truths she told was that at the 
theatres of certain western cities, men were in the habit 
of taking oif their coats during the performance, and 
sitting on the front of the boxes with their backs to the 
people. In consequence of this criticism, the manners 
of theatre-goers were much improved; and it became 
usual for the audience to cry "Trollope! Trollope!" at 
any man who took his coat off during the performance, 
sat on the edge of tlie box with his back to the people, 
or otherwise publicly misbehaved himself. In the news- 
papers of fifty years ago I have several times read of 
this cry of " Trollope! Trollope!" 

Nowadays Americans are much more careful to 
avoid little rudenesses than Englishmen. Indeed, the 
positions are reversed on the wandering Briton, Avho can 
invariably be known by his remaining covered in places 
where Americans always remnve their hats. It may not 
be amiss, and is certainly not superfluous, to tell English- 
men who intend to visit America that it is the custom 
to remove the hat in any building where ladies are. 
This applies especially to an elevator, and the passages 
and halls of a hotel. Another much-needed hint to 
Englishmen abroad is, " Don't grumble ver// much — 
aloud!" I once saw a party of Englishmen, directors of 
a Canadian Railway, enter the dining-room of the 
AVindsor lintel with a greater clatter than the advent of 
a great Bashav/. They loudly insisted on having a par- 



122 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

ticular table, though told that it was reserved for a 
family that had lived in the hotel for many years; and 
when they finally did get seated, nothing appeared to 
give them satisfaction. A man who will grumble at the 
table of the Windsor Hotel will complain about the fit 
of the heavenly halo, or say that his cloud-throne in 
Paradise is damp! 



A MODERN RACE OF CYCLOPS. 123 




CHAPTER IX. 

A MODEEN EACE OF CYCLOPS. 

Cyclops, "an insolent lawless race" — 
" giants with only one eye." — Webster. 

HEN Herbert Spencer was in Ame- 
rica, his experience of journalists 
reminded him of a witticism of 
the poet Heine: ^' When a woman 
writes a novel, she has one eye on 
the pajier and the other on some 
man — except the Countess Hahn- 
Hahn, who has only one eye." In 
American journals every thiug is treated in connection 
with the doings of individuals. The leader-writer, dis- 
cussing some q_uestion of state, has one eye on the gov- 
ernmental department, and the other on the person 
who presides over the department. If he has only one 
eye, he fixes it on the person. It was such a one-eyed 
journalist who, a week or two after the inauguration of 
President Cleveland, expressed his indignation in the 
Galvedon News because a salute was fired at Fortress 
Monroe " in honor of Mr. Chester Arthur, a New York 
attorney." 

The small invasions of personal liberty to which one 
is often subject in the freedom-loving Eepublic take 
a specially aggressive form when conducted by jour- 



124 UNCLE ^AM A T HOME. 

nalists. A citizen is practically without rights when 
confronted by a reporter. If his daughter or his wife 
elopes, if his house takes fire, if the bank breaks with 
his savings, or his son absconds to Canada with the 
property of trustful clients, the interviewer, who has 
the effrontery of a brass sign and the persistence of a 
K^asmyth hammer, stands before the victim note-book in 
hand ere he has time to estimate his misfortune. Like 
the holy inquisitors of mediaeval times, this child of 
freedom scruples not to torture his victim, worming out 
his secrets, and quietly menacing him with unnamed 
terrors until he is ready to cry : 

O God, defend me I how am I beset — 
What kind of catechising- cull you this? 

Nothing is so grateful to the interviewer as scandal. 
He thrives in it like eels in mud. He revels and rolls 
in it until it covers him like a coating of slime, obscuring 
every vestige of the man. He often inflicts cruelty to 
see his victim writhe, that he may turn an honest penny 
by describing the agony he causes. In pursuit of newsy 
items he adds to persistence a quality which in nobler 
walks of life would be called courage: it is the courage 
of the flea that fears not to breakfast on the lip of a 
lion. If he is kicked down the front steps he crawls 
back by the area window and cross-examines the cook. 
I know of a case where he got into a house by a back 
window and refused to leave until his coat-tails had been 
covered with foot-marks. Every man's house is his 
castle; but ihe sherilf, the plague, and the interviewer 
have rights of entry that will not brook denial. 

English readers latelv learnt something about inter- 



A MODERN RACE OF CYCLOPS. 125 

viewing from a controversy between Mr. Russell Lowell 
and Mr, Julian Hawthorne. In America the incident 
induced a discussion of this form of social aggression 
which has not been without its good results. The JVa- 
tion probably stands at the head of American journalism, 
for the integrity as well as ability wdth which it is con- 
ducted. Here is its contribution to the discussion: 

" The Boston Herald says that the assertioa that there is 'a very 
large body' of newspaper men who would be guilty of Haw- 
thorne's offence may be true of New York, but not of Boston, 
where ' any newspaper man who did what Mr. Lowell says Mr. 
Hawthorne did to him would lose his place and stand a poor 
chance of getting another.' The Springfield RcpvUican goes 
further, and says the number of newspaper men anywhere who 
would commit Hawthorne's offence is not large, but small. There 
is no use in continuing or carrying on a controversy on a point 
which in the nature of things cannot be decided. But we will say 
this, that in long experience of the newspaper press we have known 
of scores, if not hundreds, of most shameful and cruel violations 
of confidence and intrusions on privacy committed by newspaper 
men, and have never heard of one which led to the dismissal of 
the offender, if it was one which promoted ' sales,' or, in other 
words, brought money into the counting room. Small lies or out- 
rages, which have no particular pecuniary value, are sometimes 
followed by punishment, but it is a well-known fact that managers 
are very apt to stand by, to the last extremity, a liar whose lies 
feed the popular appetite for amusement. This is not a pleasant 
thing to say about ' our profession.' but it is as true as gospel. As 
a matter of fact some of the most highly paid newspaper men are 
notorious liars, perverters, and inventors." 

It is one of the tokens of a free country that your 
sixteen-year-old daughter may go out to post a letter, 
and come back in ten minutes to tell you that she has 
just married your errand-boy or your footman. While 
you are tearing your hair and committing free institu- 



J 26 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

lions to Sheol, a bit of jDasteboard is tlirust in your hand 
announcing the interviewer. You then get another 
lesson in freedom. Your domestic suffering is claimed 
by the nation, which wants to gossip over your calam- 
ity. Here is an example extracted from the Keiv York 
Tribi(ve for March 24, 1885. I omit the name of the 
sufferer, who was one of the best-known men in New 
York: 

" The bride's father was found in his apartments at No. 

Broadway. 

' Mr. ,' said the reporter, ' to morrow's issue of The 

Tribune will contain — ' 

' I know,' interrupted Mr. , ' a notice of my daughter's 

marriage. Suppress it— suppress it if possible! ' 

The reporter explained that such things cannot be suppressed, 

and Mr. continued : ' I suppose you want to know all about 

it, but, I implore you, make as little of a sensation out of the affair 
as the facts will allow. I have always tried to appear honorably 
before the public, and now this comes upon mc with the sudden- 
ness of a tlmnderbolt. You can't imagine what a blow the mar- 
riage has been to me,' continued he in a voice from which the 
tears were not far distant. ' I know that my position will remain 
the same, but I can't bear that my daughter should destroy her 
happiness by a .single rash step like this. The whole story, how- 
ever, is simple, and has really no sensational elements. My 
daughter made the acquaintance of this young man in this city, 
lie didn't dare to pay his attentions openly, for he knew how I 
would have regarded them. He met her out of my house and 
they got married. I can't give you any further particulars. I 
know absolutely nothing about the young man, but I'm doing all 
I can to find out about him. That'.s my present occupation. 
The marriage .service was jierformed by a clergyman regularly 
ordained, and I never knew of the matter until the other day.' " 

Here is an interviewer's horror extracted from the 
Philadelphia Press, which like the Tribime is a first- 



A MODERN RACE OF CYCLOPS. 127 

class paper, judged by the American standard. I omit 
the victim^s name, which the journalist had not the heart 
to conceal: 

" As they were entering the hearing-room [of the police station] 
the Sergeant said: ' There is a case for you,' pointing to a 
woman who was spealving to the turnkey. She was a sad speci- 
men of a dissipated woman. Ragged, filthy and half drimk, she 
stood, asking for a lodging, without any shawl to protect her 
emaciated form, or hood to cover her unkempt gray locks that fell 
down her back. 

'You would hardly believe,' whispered the Sergeant, 'that 
fifteen years ago that creature was a beautiful young woman, well 
educated, the daughter of wealthy parents moving in the best 
society in Chicago.' 

The reporter looked incredulous. 

' AVell, she was,' replied the Sergeant, ' Her father, whose 

name was W , was one of the richest men in that city, and lost 

all he had, along with his life, in the great fire. Just a few weeks 
previously, however, his daughter, our visitor here, was married 

to a man named R . He only wanted her money, and deserted 

her at the discovery of her father's loss. ' 

The turnkey was heard gruffly to answer ' Yes,' and pointed to 
the stairway. As she turned around she showed a face wrinkled 
and grimy, with eyes half closed from drunken stupidity. Grasp- 
ing the front of her dress that dragged on the floor, she swayed 
toward tlie door. 

'Mrs. R ,' said the reporter, politely, as she was about to 

pass. 

At the sound of the name she suddenly turned, her face losing 
its despair, and stood like a statue, staring at the speaker like one 
in a dream. Finally recovering herself, she grasped the reporter's 
arm convulsively, and looking up in his face appealinglj^ said in 
a husky voice: ' Who — who are you? Do you know me? ' She 
turned her head and murmured: ' O God, that I should come to 
this! ' 

' I am very, very sorry, indeed, to see you here. How did it 
happen? ' 



128 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

The tears gathered in her eyes and she began to sob violently. 
'Oh, I couM not help it,' she said, shaking her head. ' AVhen 
my husband deserted me so cruelly after my father's death, I tried 
to live respectably, but I couldn't find work, and I had learned 
to drink before my father died. J\ly only hope now is in the 
grave.' 

With her face buried in her hands and the tears trickling 
through her fingers, she slowly walked toward the stairway and 
disappeared, as though anxious to hide her misery. 

' We often have people among our lodgers who've seen better 
days,' commented the Sergeant. ' We get used to them. That 
poor creature to-morrow will be about the low saloons trying to 
raise enough to buy a glass of rum.' " 

I am aware that a stranger's denunciation of this 
system will occasion some resentment in America, 
especially among journalists. But I trust I have shown 
myself sufficiently in sympathy with what is admirable 
in the Republic to excuse condemnation of what is 
clearly a lapse from higher to lower forms. In Russia 
every family is under government surveillance; in the 
Republic of America every person is liable to forms of 
espionage far more objectionable. And this is both de- 
manded and conceded as a right to the press. "The 
reporter explained that such things cannot be sup- 
pressed"! And why not? The sanctity of home, the 
feelings of the wretched parents, the future happiness 
even of the foolish couple — are all to be subordinated 
to an unworthy craving for gossip? It is a saying in 
America that personal rights must give way to public 
comfort; but surely the public amusement is not in- 
cluded. 

Then by what right, republican, Christian or other, 
does a reporter interview the occupant of a jorison-cell? 



A MODERN RACE OF CYCLOPS. 



129 




Has a drunkard no rights? Is he (or she, alas! in this 
case) to be exhibited to needy 
penny-a-liners as stock in 
trade? If this wretched in- 
terviewer must live — and I 
see no need for it — is it the 
duty of public officials to 
cater to him? But the sub- 
ject is too nauseating. That 
such things happeu without 
exciting surprise or protest is 
ample proof, if other proofs 
were not abundant, that 
Americans lack that respect 
which ought to go along with insistence on their own. 

But perhaps the interview in jail is one of those dis- 
mal little fictions with which American editors some- 
times beguile their readers. The New York Herald 
once startled the city by reporting the escape of the wild 
animals from Central Park. Tlie horrible scenes that 
ensued were described: nurses were killed, children de- 
voured or torn in pieces, and the people about the park 
were afraid to move out. Many did not read to the end 
of the report; those who did found the statement that 
it was all a dream or something of the kind! 

President Cleveland lately said: 



for the rights of others 



" I don't think tliat there ever was a time when newspaper lying 
was so general and so mean as at present, and there never was 
a country under the sun where it flourished as it does in this. 
The falsehoods daily spread before the people in our newspapers, 
while they are proofs of the mental ingenuity of those engaged in 
newspaper w^ork, are insults to the American love for decency and 
fair play of which wc boast." 
9 



130 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

Speaking of this indictment, the Tribune, a rabidly 
partisan newspaper, capable of ascribing a tornado in 
Texas or a collision of fen-y-boats to democratic jobbery, 
makes the following very suggestive comment: 

" As the President is generally credited with sincerity and good 
intentions, it is evident that his acrid strictures upon the American 
press arc designed to serve some useful purpose. We take it that 
his criticisms are meant largely for the benelit of the democratic 
press, which aided in electing him in a campaign of reckless and 
malevolent defamation unparalleled in the political annals of the 
country. His opponent was attacked monlh after month as no 
statesman in American public life had ever been assailed before. 
Mr. Blaine's correspondence was monstrously perverted, his pri- 
vate business transactions were ransacked with malign purpose, 
and the sanctity of his home wantonly invaded. From beginning 
to end it was a campaign of malignant defamation on the \x\vi of 
the democratic press." 

But "from beginning to end it was a campaign of 
malignant defamation on the part of the rej)ublican 
press" as well, and of malignant defamation the Tribune 
wa-s not altogether innocent. Indeed then, as ever 
since, this otherwise able journal has shown a pitifnl 
lack of dignity in its criticisms of the democratic 
party. Its unreasoning malevolence must inevitably 
discredit its own party in the minds of all lovers of fair 
play. 

It will scarcely be credited in England that fictitious 
interviews are published by reputable newspapers, in 
which full names are given. While I write, sucli a fab- 
rication concerning tlie inventor Edison is going the 
rounds of the press, liaving already appeared^ in dailies 
published in Washington, Philadelphia and New York. 
The article is extravagant and absurd to the last degree, 



A MODERN RACE OF CYCLOPS. 131 

being founded on an old hoax which I am informed ap- 
peared as an April-fool joke nine years ago, 

I have found in a California paper an amusing report 
of a menagerie catastrophe, evidently prompted by the 
HeraUVs horror. It is a good example of a kind of hu- 
mour which Uncle Sam has made his own, and worth 
quoting: 

" Cooper and Bailey's menagerie, which will open in this city 
shortly, was the scene of a terrifying occurrence, while exhibiting 
at Marysville recently. It seems that some mischievous youngster 
in the audience inserted a piece of tobacco in a peanut given by 
him to the largest of the sixteen elephants attached to the show. 
The enraged creature uttered the singular half-human cry peculiar 
to its species when aroused, and hurled the boy ^svith great force 
through the roof of the tent, breaking every bone in his body, and 
an almost new humming-top in his pocket.. Bursting the ten-inch 
chain that secured its foot like a bit of twine, the furious mam- 
moth seized the clown, and in a second had crushed him into a 
shapeless pulp and old conundrums. The elephant's companions 
now became excited, and charged upon the audience, which was 
wildly applauding the clown's just fate, little thinking what was 
in store for itself. In a twinkling the ring-master had been dis- 
posed of, and the first four rows of spectators had become a mass 
of writhing victims. The ring ran with gore, and the wild shrieks 
and roars of the other animals lent additional horror to the tem- 
ble scene. Presently, several cages were upset in the melee, and 
the lions and tigers took part in the awful fray. The hippopot- 
amus bit off the sheriff's head. A frightful contest occurred 
between the grizzly bear and one of the largest elephants. The 
latter was underneath, and in his struggles rolled over and 
smashed flat a whole half-priced Sunday-school. The rhinoce- 
ros paid exclusive attention to the deadhead seats, and at one 
time was noticed with two editors and a politician on the same 
horn. The camels and zebras tore round the ring, uttering ter- 
rific cries, above which could be faintly heard the agonizing cries 
of the County Recorder, who was being skinned alive by a couple 
of gorillas on top of the centre pole. In course of time the car- 



132 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

nage vras qiiellcd, and the animals and curiosities secured, with 
the exception of a cormorant, that will go practising law in the 
spring, if not detected in time. The remains of the Mayor and 
six Councilmen were sent home in the golden chariot (cost $40,000 
to build), preceded by the band (seventy-four tirst class soloists). 
The unrecognized dead were buried iu a trench two hundred feet 
long. The animals are now secured by chains weighing four 
pounds to the link, and iron bars two feet thick. Owing to the 
colossal expense attendant upon this mammoth exhibition of the 
centur}^ the price of admission has been reduced to fifty cents, chil- 
dren under tea half price." 

In the picturesque American neology, a "deadhead" 
means a person with a free pass. 

Sensational titles to reports are the delight of the 
American editor. A leading Chicago paper paid a large 
salary to an alliterative genius who did nothing but 
concoct head-lines. This fellow once had to giA'e a 
heading to the description of an execution; and next 
morning subscribers were startled on opening their pa- 
pers to see in large capitals the words ''Jerked to Jesus." 
This is a fact, however shocking it may be. Another 
heading to a similar account which 1 have seen is 
'• Leaped into Eternity." This was the description of 
a public hanging in a field near Savannah on June 26, 
188.J. The reporter ended his descrijition with these 
words: "The widow of the murdered man occujned a 
seat on the scalfold, and witnessed her husband's assas- 
sin take his leap into eternity." 

It is not easy to think of the American press as a seri- 
ous institution. What it looks like to a native it is hard 
to say; but to a stranger it appears a gigantic farce, un- 
derstood as such by both writers and readers. Every- 
body in America reads the newspapers; nobody seems to 
believe them. Indeed it is often asked in a quizzical 



A MODERN RACE OF CYCLOPS. 133 

way: "Is it true, or did you read it in a newspaper?" For 
nearly a week after the presidential election, republican 
newspapers, led by the Tribune, solemnly assured read- 
ers that Mr. Blaine had been elected. Karely is the 
love of truth allowed to spoil a fine sentence. In this 
particular the American journalist is like Carlyle: if his 
nicely-rounded period happens to exaggerate the facts, 
so much the worse for the facts. If you read that ''the 
awful holocaust leaped with lurid hands to lick the em- 
blazoned clouds that caught the irradiant glare and hurled 
it into the abysmal spaces beyond the paling star," you 
may be certain, without reading another line, that a cow- 
barn, worth three hundred dollars, has been burnt down. 
When General Scott, the conqueror of Mexico, visited 
his native village in Pennsylvania, his entrance into the 
place was thus described by the local editor: " The gallant 
hero, seated in a chariot, led the van. The rosy morn 
besprinkled the oriental clouds with effulgent glory, and 
the gorgeous sun, at last issuing like a warrior from his 
repose, walked up the sky, gilding the vast expanse of 
ether, and throwing his broad and splendid rays upon a 
line of one-horse wagons and carts filled with individuals 
principally from our village." 

I have already quoted the saying of a newspaper man 
to the eifect that all American journalists are liars — 
either liars on space or liars on salary. This statement 
coming from a journalist must also be untrue. And 
here is a dilemma I will leave to the newspapers. But 
Thomas Jefferson writing in 1807 shows that the com- 
plaint of President Cleveland is an old one. Says he: 

" Nothing can now be believed wLich is seen in a newspaper. 
Truth itself becomes suspicious hj being put in that polluted vehi- 
cle. The real extent of this misinformation is known only to 



134 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowl- 
edge with the lies of the day. 1 really look with commiseration 
upon the great body of my fellow-citizens who, reading newspa- 
pers, live and die in the belief that they have known something of 
what has been passing in their time; whereas the accounts they 
have read in newspapers are just as true a history of any other 
period of the world as of the present, except that the real names 
of the day are aflixed to their fables. I will add that the man who 
never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads 
them, inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer the truth than 
he whose mind is filled with falsehood and errors. He who reads 
nothing will still learn the great facts, and the details are all false." 

What Englishmen esteem as dignity is a quality 
rarely found in American newspapers. Sensational 
news-items have a prominence unknown in the average 
English newspaper. Of cotirse I except the Pall Mall 
Gazette, which has discredited us in many ways. Dur- 
ing General Grant^s illness bulletins appeared by the 
column twice a day. These columns were made up 
of the most trivial matters. The Post one day an- 
nounced that *'at 6:35 a servant raised the blind and 
opened the window to let in fresh air. Half an hour 
later the window w^as closed and the blind lowered." 
Even the best New York papers have a funny column 
like the Euglisli country weekly; and in their items of 
domestic news tliey compare with tlie Pen/ti/ Budget or 
the Police News. Murders, elopements, scandal of all 
kinds, occupy the front pages of even the most reputa- 
ble journals. In England we confine our scandal-mon- 
gering to the doings of dukes, princes and lords — and 
Heaven knows we have more tlian enough, even thus 
limited; but in America, as the Natmi complains, "no- 
body is too low to have his quarrels, sufferings or in- 
trigues set forth at length; and the papers teem with 
* spicy ' reports of the elopements of bartenders and ser- 



A MODERN RACE OF CYCLOPS. 185 

vant-girls, the scandals of unknown families^ and the 
divorce suits of people whom nobody ever heard of." 

The New York Herald in its Sunday edition of Feb- 
ruary 7, 1886, contained four columns cabled from Eu- 
rope. Three columns of this was the description of a 
duel between two French journalists, and the other de- 
tailed the horrors of a French execution! 

Of course there is a demand for this kind of read- 
ing. Servant-girls and labourers have money to spend on 
newspapers; and where these are conducted solely on 
business principles, that is money-making principles, 
editors must cater to all. Then there are hundreds 
of hysterical women-readers of whose tastes one knows 
nothing, until some interesting murderer like Guiteau 
or Maxwell has his cell piled up with letters and gifts 
of flowers and frnit. An anarcliist condemned to death 
for murder is wooed and won by an heiress. In Eng- 
land if such a class of maniacs exists, it does not betray 
its presence by showering favours on murderers. The 
nearest resemblance I remember was that of the crowd 
of women who lavished dainties and flowers on Jumbo. 
And even about this there was probably a good deal of 
" Barnum." 

A stranger sometimes has his attention caught by an 
attractive head-line, and beginning to read gets half-way 
down the column before he finds he is reading a quack 
advertisement. Readers who are used to journalistic 
tricks look first at the foot of the article. There is a 
story of a clergyman who was so used to scrutinize the 
last line of everything he read, that from sheer habit he 
glanced at the end of the Sunday morning's lesson before 
reading it in church. 

If one were to judge by the newspa^Dcrs, he would 



Iil6 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

conclude that the American people are the most un- 
healthy in the world*. Cures for the ills that flesh is 
heir to, and many others that are acquired without 
ancestral aid, are advertised in every sheet. America 
appears to be the paradise of quacks. A character in 
the old play Nice Vtdor says: 

" Xever ill, man, until I hear of baseness; 
And then I sicken." 

The local politics of America probably keep the people in 
ill-health. 

Before I came to America a friend who had lived there 
jocularly advised me to go into politics and get rich. 
"But," said I, " one has to be a citizen to be able to 
take office; and it takes five years to be naturalized.'' 
"Then turn quack doctor for five years. That pays 
nearly as well!" In bygone days a man who had failed 
at everything else, bought a birch-rod and became 
schoolmaster: in America he turns quack and the press 
helps him to fame and fortune. 

Early last year the Trilmne appeared with a detailed 
account of the excision by electricity of a tumour at the 
back of the mouth. The next day it had nearly a 
column under the following cheerful headings: "Ex- 
ploring the Intestines: A Serious Wound skilfully 
treated: A remarkable operation at Chambers St. 
Hosi^ital: The patient cured." This edifying article 
began: " The abdominal cavity of man has always been 
avoided by surgeons" — 'and by writers in family news- 
papers/ might have been added. In such cases the 
patient's name and address, age, occuj)ation, are given, 
together with particulars of his family, whether he or 



A MODERN RACE OF CYCLOPS. 137 

any of his uncles and aunts have been divorced, im- 
prisoned, elected to a public oflfice, or suffered any other 
degradation, together with such additional details as 
may interest the cooks, chambermaids and male riff-raff 
who subscribe to the paper. 

If, as it is said, there is always a soul of truth in 
things false, there must be a soul of truth in the Ameri- 
can press. It is, however, unobtrusive, as is the nature 
of souls: it does not advertise itself in large caps, like 
the more carnal part of itself. For this reason it often 
remains concealed from those who do not know where 
to seek it. The original thought and writing found in 
American newspapers are of the highest order. The 
lack of jorotection to native authors forces men of the 
highest ability into journalism. With an international 
copyright law we might get more good books from 
America, but Americans at home would miss the clear 
thought and strong virility of style of many leader- 
writers. The Sunday newspapers abound with articles 
of great literary merit. Indeed they are more like 
our reviews than newspapers; but it is a poor com- 
pliment to the authors to mix such excellent work with 
scandalous personalities and blood-curdling crime-pic- 
tures. The Tribune has several very able writers on its 
staff; but their efforts are weakened by a puerile re- 
vision, which gives to every editorial the character of an 
indictment of the Cleveland administration. An article 
on the cultivation of sorghum may end with a lament 
that the business is unprofitable owing to the color of 
the democratic president's hair. The Sn?/, which aims 
at brevity, is a carefully written paper. Its financial 
articles are greatly esteemed. It is somewhat Anglopho- 



138 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

bist. The World affords a wonderful example of what 
energy an<l enterprise can do to make a paper suc- 
cessful. It built the pedestal to the Statue of Liberty, 
and was in large measure instrumental in securing the 
conviction of the dishonest board of aldermen in New 
York. It has a well-managed detective bureau, and has 
done much to ferret out criminals of all degi'ees. It is 
sensational, which is one cause of its marvellous success; 
but its boldness and persistency in attacking corruption 
in high places more than compensate for this. At this 
moment its big guns are dii'ected against the corrupt 
Commissioners of Castle Garden. The 'Times is among 
the best of New York morning papers. It is well 
edited, contains fewer horrors than usual, and its origi- 
nal articles are of the nighcst order. I may add that it 
is a leading free-trade advocate. On this account the 
judgment of an Englishman will be said by protectionists 
to be biassed. The evening papers the Post and Ad- 
vertiser rank very high. The Advertiser's business 
columns are specially valuable; while the Post excels in 
its leaders and leaderettes. The Nation I have put at 
the head of the American press. It is a weekly publica- 
tion devoted to the jiurification of politics and the 
advancement of free-trade principles. Its original arti- 
cles are thoughtful, independent and vigorous. It is 
conducted in a dignified spirit; and its influence for 
good is unimpaired by personalities and harmful news 
items. The Citizen is a publication with the same aims. 
The Critic is a weekly review devoted to literature and 
art. It is ably conducted, and it includes in its list of 
contributors the brightest names of American literature. 
Comic papers are generally bright and clever, though 
they seem to be at some disadvantage because every 



A MODERN RACE OF CYCLOPS. 



139 



newspaper has its column of fnn, and even serious 
matters are often treated humorously. This is the way 
in which an editor announces the birth of a son: 

" The angel of dawn laid at the threshold of Editor P. A. Bar- 
rett this morning a rosebud culled from the garden of the gods, as 
a reward for the energy and enterprise which have given Scranton 
a first-class daily. Mother and child are doing well." 

Of bright, sparkling descrijjtions the American is a 
far better writer than the English reporter. In sub- 
editing too, in the display of news and its judicious 
distribution through the paper, I think the American 
excels. In the leaders there is little difference of merit. 
The Englishman is the more dignified, and his style is 
in keeping with the grave subjects usually treated edito- 
rially. The American likes '' snap;" and this liking 
gives a i^recision and a crispness to his leaders, and a 
bright semi-humorous sjiarkle to his reports. It would 
be an improvement if some of the American brightness 
could be made to illumine our heavy verbatim reports 
at home. It would be like the bright crisp sunbeam of 
a winter's day falling athwart a London fog. 




^r ^^1 



f 



140 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



CHAPTER X. 



ox THINGS IN GENERAL. 



" Great Empire of the West, 
The dearest and the best, 
Made up of all the rest." 

Ab. Coles. 




" Wl 



HIGH of these 

roads leads to 

Skunk Hollow?" 

asked a pedestrian of a 

darky who stood at 

the junction of two 

mud-puddles. ''Bot' 

on 'em, boss!" " And 

which is the best?'' 

queried the traveller. 

" Dunno," replied the 

sable youth. *'Why, 

don't you live about 

here?'* ''Ya-^as." '' Then how is it you don't know?" 

"'Cos whichebber ob de roads you take, you'll be sorry 

you didn't take de udder one!" 

And that is the kind of feeling the traveller has all 
over America. When Mr. Freeman visited Uncle Sam, 
he told him to mend his ways. But this would be a 
woik of generations, and, with a ubiquitous railway 



ON THINGS IN GENERAL. 141 

system, almost a work of supererogation. An idea of the 
character of American country-roads may be had from 
the fact that it is not uncommon to go over them with 
a plough as a preparatory measure to repairing them, 
and sometimes the repairing gets no further. 

Not only are the country-roads of America bad enough 
to justify the death penalty on a road-surveyor in Eng- 
land; but the pavements of cities are execrable. New 
York, which is by far the best taxed city in the world, 
has worse pavements than a German village. The road 
is full of inequalities in wl:ich the mud accumulates, to 
be splashed by horses and carriages over the clothes of 
pedestrians. Then crossings — there are no crossing- 
sweepers in America— are formed by huge monoliths, 
with large gaps worn between; and occasionally the un- 
wary finds his foot slipiDing from tne polished stone into 
eight inches of slush. The sidewalks are often raised a 
foot above the roadway, so that at every crossing one has 
to step that distance up and down, and a miscalculation 
of the height may result in a fall into the gutter. 
Further dangers await the pedestrian as he walks along. 
He presently stumbles over a portion of the pavement 
which is raised two or four inches above the rest, or 
kicks his pet corn against the raised covering of a trap- 
door. If it has been raining and freezing simultaneously, 
as often happens in winter, he may find his feet shoot 
suddenly skywards, and before he realizes the meaning 
of the movement, his head strikes an iron cellar door, 
which instead of being flush with the pavement is placed 
at a convenient angle for involuntary gymnastics. 
Undeterred by these diversions, the unsophisticated 
stranger 2iroceeds, until his progress is arrestei], say on 
Broadway, by the end of a cart which projects across 



142 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



the flags and occupies such portion of them as is not 

ah-eady covered by the 
boxes and bales which have 
just been taken from it. 
Silently rejoicing in the 
briskness of trade, he makes 
a detour into the muddy 
road and round the horses* 
heads, soon to be stopped 
again, this time by the scaf- 
folding of a new building, 
which occupies the whole 
of the sidewalk. Possibly 
he here has the option of 
walking round the obstacle 




Incident during a stroll. 



by the road, or over it, by means of a wooden platform 
reached by five or six badly-built steps. If the pedes- 
trian is a philosopher, and as good-tempered as all 
Americans are under small discomforts, he will cheer- 
fully recognize in his walk an emblem of life with its 
perplexities and discomforts alternating with sbort 
periods of ease. He will also recognize and profit by 
the intellectual stimulus of such a walk* for one cannot 
surmount even trivial difficulties without the exercise of 
some ingenuity and intelligence. If, however, our 
traveller is an Englishman, wit^h his ever-ready faculty 
of fault-finding, or an old gentleman with weak knees, 
or an old lady with poor eyesight, i)liilosophy and good- 
nature will point to the ubiquitous tram-car. Taking 
perhaps the only vacant seat, our traveller soon finds 
tiiat Americans are not deterred by considerations of 
personal or impersonal comfort from entering a ear 
alrea(\v full. If one hails a cab, he will probably be 



ON THINGS IN GENERAL. 14^ 

jolted stiff, and charged a dollar for a five-minute drive. 
Comfort in travelling in an American city is mainly a 
matter of chance. If few people are moving in the 
same direction, transport is rapid, cheap and comfort- 
able. If one ventures into a street-car or on the ele- 
vated railway at the beginning or end of business hours, 
he finds a crowd of people wedged together on each seat, 
and a third crowd hanging on to the roof-straps, and 
convivially rubbing knees with those who are seated; 
but every individual amongst them as good-natured and 
contented as a boy on a toboggan-slide. 

Many tram-cars in America are run without conduc- 
tor. You place your five cents in a box with glass 
sides, near the driver. If you are a stranger to the 
custom and keep your nickel in your hand awaiting the 
collector, the driver fixes his American-eagle eye upon 
you, raps at the window, and tells you to '' hurry up 
there." Everybody rides in street-cars. The pave- 
ments are too bad to walk on with comfort, and if they 
were better the American's time is worth more than the 
twopence- halfpenny charged for riding. 

A common midnight apparition in Fifth Avenne is 
the machine street-sweeper. The scene in the moon- 
like brightness of the electric lamps is very weird. 
Pedestrians run into the nearest doorwciy, if a side street 
is not available. Then with artillery clatter come three 
or four machines, marcliing almost abreast. The dry 
dust rises in circling clouds above the horses^ heads, re- 
mains suspended in mid-air until the sweepers are past, 
and falls again on the pavement like the gentle dew 
from heaven. The doorways then give up their living, 
whu proceed along the silent streets, literally making 
tracks homewards. 



144 UNCLE SAM AT UOME. 

Ash-barrels contribute much to the variety of a walk 
through an American city. Tliese are placed in front 
of houses; and when the wind is not blowing, the stranger 
may amuse himself and add to his stock of knowledge by 
reading the queer advertisements that are pasted over 
them. If, however, a strong wind is blowing, literary 
diversions are out of the question, for one's eyes are busy 
shedding tears and washing out the dust which rises 
from every barrel like a pillar of cloud. 

One of the numerous traditions that cluster round 
the memory of George Washington, is to the effect that 
he once threw a dollar from Mount Vernon across the 
Potomac; and another tradition which is acquiring the 
character of an historic truth, is that Senator Evarts 
remarked on this that "a dollar went further in those 
days than at present." Truly a dollar docs not go far at 
present — not further than an English shilling, and not as 
far as an Italian franc. The poet who characterized Amer- 
ica as the dearest land knew 
whereof he wrote. It is a 
land of inflated prices and 
artilicial values. American 
productions are sold in 
England at half the price 
demanded in America. 
Among my papers I find 
the following extract from a newspaper, which well 
describes the facts in New York. I regret that I have 
neglected to notice the title of the book from which it 
is evidently a quotation: 

" Incomes are laroie, expenditures keep pace, not on the old 
scale to wliicli Enirlish society clinirs, but with a recklessness 
quite characteristic of the buoyancy of the American temperament. 




OJ^ THINOS IN GENERAL. 145 

Men seem to compete in expenditure as in trade, and New York 
has become the most expensive city in the world. 

A modest house for a small family in a respectable locality 
cannot be had for less than £400 to £500. In the enormous 'flat ' 
houses which are rapidly going up all over the upper part of the 
cit}', an apartment of seveu or eight rooms, in nowise luxurious, 
costs £200 to £400 [say rather £400 to £1000], and in less eligible 
localities, and most moderate in pretension and accommodation, 
rarely less than £100. 

At a well-known commercial restaurant a lunch off the joint, 
with a pint of cider and a cup of black coffee, costs Qs., and is not 
nearly equal to the half crown lunch of a London restaurant. The 
beef that is sent from here to England and sold at 6f7. to lOf?. a 
pound costs in New York twice that. The style of living which 
in London costs £1000 a year, here will cost £2000. The lai'ge 
profits are met by proportionate expenses. A man grows reckless 
of the dollars. At the hotels you not only pay enormous bills, but 
the greed of the attendants [who are rarely native Americans] 
makes it impossible to get decent service without continually 
tipping them, and not in the modest way one does in England. 
There is no charge made for service, but if you want your lunch 
served quickly and well you must fee the waiter when you give 
the order. He marks every habitue; who tips him and who does 
not; and the tips are on the American scale— anything less than a 
' quarter ' (a shilling) is contemptible, and the true American will 
never consent to be contemptible, even in the eyes of a waiter. 
He will at all costs avoid the reputation of meanness, and has little 
inclination to distinguish between meanness and ecouomj-, and, 
being always in a hurry to get back to business, says that he loses 
more than a shilling by the delay which the waiter imposes on him. 
At the hotel the guest who does not fee in advance soon finds the 
zeal of the waiters fall off. 

You pay a boot-black a dime {M.), and so on to the end of the 
list. And there are no suburbs to cheapen life. The Hudson 
River blocks one side with its uncertain winter navigation; and 
Brooklyn, across the East River, is as dear as New York (?), as a 
furnished flat of several moderate rooms there costs £25 a month. 
Everybody is so intent on his getting on that he does not stop to 
think that this system of enormous profits for everybody eats up 
10 



146 UNCLE SAM A T HOME. 

all his surplus gains; and a man who gets ITjOO a year here is no 
more comfortable than a London clerk at £250. There is the 
chance of a great hit, and he believes in his luck. The devotion 
to business is certainly phenomenal. If it is wise and healthful 
the future will tell better than to-day." 

The difference in cost of living to workingmen, how- 
ever, is not so great. I have obtained from a Scotch 
foreman in America a comparison of prices of food, 
clothing, fuel, and of rent, paid by workingmen in 
Pittsburgh and an ordinary Scotch town. This shows 
that in food the American workman has the advantage 
of 26 per cent, and in fuel 04 per cent. In rent the 
Scotchman has the advantage of 91 per cent, and in 
clothing 24 per cent. Altogether the Scotchman has 
a considerable gain. lie gets for seventeen shillings and 
sixpence what the American buys for twenty-four 
shillings and tenpence. 

The arrangements of a good American hotel or a 
first-class residence are far in advance of anything seen 
in the old world. Hot and cold water is found in every 
room, and often the electric light. Electric bells lead 
everywhere. Nearly all private householders have such 
electric communication with a telegraph office, that one 
ring will immediately bring an errand-boy, two a police- 
man, three an ambulance and doctor, four a fire-engine, 
and so on. All over the country private houses are 
furnished w4tli telephones, and I have heard ladies say 
they would as soon be without a cook as without the 
telephone. In England the development of this system 
of communication has been hindered by the govern- 
ment, which had a monopoly of telegraphs, and it was 
held by the courts that the telephone was a telegraph. 
In this instance we have a clear proof of the injury 



OiV" THINOS IN GENERAL. 147 

which a government may cause by not minding its own 
business. In America private enterprise enables citizens 
to send money by telegraph and cable — a convenience 
denied to Englishmen at home. In some cities steam is 
supplied to houses, as gas and water are; and in Pitts- 
burgh natural gas is furnished to householders ad libi- 
tum for what they previously paid for coal. At Lock- 
port, power is supplied to factories by over-head cables 
at so much per horse-j)ower. Speaking-tubes connect 
with the kitchen even in small houses; and a hoist 
brings up the dinner piping hot with no tumbling up- 
stairs and smashing of dishes. Even in the "^ far west" 
these little aids to comfortable living are generally found; 
tbougli (me may there occasionally discover bits of 
Charles Dickens's America. 

A newly-imj)orted Scotchman, used to the simple fare 
of the Highlands, displayed great astonishment at the 
sight of an American table. "Look, Jock, mon!" he 
cried to a compatriot, '^'^ ^taties for bre'kfast!" Sandy 
might have exclaimed at many other things on Uncle 
Sam's breakfast - table. According to Mulhall, our 
avuncular relative eats more than anybody else. He 
certainly cooks more, but he wastes so much that I 
fancy Mulhall's figures are misleading. Dr. Primrose 
said that the superfluous trappings of the rich were 
more than enough to clothe the poor. The waste of 
Uncle Sam would feed the hungry poor of any other 
nation. 

The culinary art has attained a high development in 
America. Delmonico's has long held the palm against 
all P;iris for good cooking; and the Hoffman House, 
noted from China to Peru as the most sumptuous res- 
taurant and bar-room in the world, is now running its 




1*^^ gasti 



148 UNCLE SAM AT ROM?:. 

neighbour a hard race for precedence. Nature, having 
dealt Uxvishly with Uncle 8am in so many ways, has 

capped her bounty by giv- 
ing him the best food and 
the greatest variety of it. 
Indeed it is claimed that 
Chesapeake Bay is the 
tronomic centre of the 
J^\^ universe. Everything that 
can be grown in Europe, 

The National Bird-with Cranberry f r O Ul OrangCS tO OatS, 

^''"'-■^- Uncle Sam cultivates on 

his own farm, and it is as superior to foreign products 
as home-grown things proverbially are. In tropical 
Florida he raises tropical fruits. In Maine, in Wis- 
consin, he grows oats that make even Scotch mouths 
water. His Texas cattle now go to form much of the 
roast beef of Old England; and his Massachusetts 
cheeses are sold at the antipodes as Stilton, Cheddah, 
Roquefort or Gruyere, according to the taste of the pur- 
chaser. Salmon literally crowd his rivers, so that some- 
times horses cannot ford them; and these he puts into 
cans and sends them by the ton to Europe, Asia, Africa; 
and his California peaches and apricots go with the 
salmon. Amei'ican mutton is decidedly inferior to 
Scotch, Welsh, or even Australian; but that is a small 
drawback in the land of the terrapin, the canvas-back 
duck, that delectable anomaly the soft-shell crab, and the 
blue-point oyster. The annual production of the last- 
named succulent amounts to nearly twelve billion. New 
York alone consumes 810 million, an average of 6G0 
per inhabitant. In winter, blue-points, invitingly lying 
on a sparkling bed of crushed ice, form the ''grace be- 



ON THINGS IN GENERAL. 149 

fore meat" at most American dinners. In summer, 
people ask a blessing by means of clams. I find that 
the prejudice against midsummer oysters is very old. 
Butler in Dreyet's Dry Dinner, dated 1599, says: ''It is 
unseasonable and unwholesome, in all months that have 
not an r in their name, to eat an oyster." It is curious 
that clams are not eaten in England. They form a de- 
licious appetizer before the soup; and clam chowder is a 
more epicurean dish than green turtle. 

Kiver and coast steamboats in America have been 
appropriately called floating palaces. In all kinds of 
unlikely places one finds rich woodwork, owing to the 
great variety and cheapness of timber; but in steam- 
boats carpentry seems to have reached the dignity of a 
fine art. Then, in a clear bright climate where weather- 
changes are predicted with greater certainty than the 
rise and fall of stocks, there is no difficulty in keeiDing 
everything clean and bright. The difference between 
the dirty tug which takes passengers to their Cunarder 
at Liverpool and the beautiful steamer which used to 
transfer them to the Barge Office in New York, is as 
great and of the same character as that between a 
Galway peasant on his native heath and the statesman 
he becomes in America. A like difference is observed 
in the barges and other freight-boats of both countries. 
Those of England are black, dirty and often misshapen; 
those of America are bright, clean and usually as grace- 
ful as a private yacht. Charles Dickens's first impres- 
sion of America was that everything had been newly 
washed. He was mistaken: it had never been allowed 
to get dirty. 

The extensive use of anthracite coal keeps many 
American cities clean and free from smoke. In Wales 



150 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

there is an extensive bed of smokeless anthracite which 
would supply London for a century or more; but it 
would seem that the owners of the dirty, cheerful, 
bituminous coal have the market and are likely to keep 
it. Two and a half millions of people are clustered in 
and around New York; yet the air is as pure, and tlie 
skies as bright a blue, as in Italy. From the tops of the 
highest buildings, or from the great Statue of Liberty, 
one has a view of miles of buildings on one side, and a 
panorama of the beautiful harbour on the other, free 
from smoke and dirt. It is just the view to make the 
New Yorker glad, the Chicagoan envious, and the 
Briton proud; for was it not the last who first saw the 
capabilities of this beautiful site? 

Tlie love of the beautiful in nature is so recent an 
addition to the faculties of man that one may almost 
say it is a product of modern civilization. A primrose 
on a mossy bank was never anything more than a prim- 
rose until our grandfathers^ day. Yet the products of 
past generations of men invariably appeal more to our 
aesthetic sense than do the works of the present age. 
Here is an anomaly. And again, how is it that the stolid 
Swiss, who remains unmoved amid his grandiose sur- 
roundings, evolved the graceful chalet, while the more 
liighly-developed American never created anything finer 
than a log-house? The utilitarian si)irit seems to have 
killed even the aspiration for the beautiful which gener- 
ations ago had begun to manifest itself in New England. 
At Yonkers a man reputed to be worth sixty thousand 
dollars a year utilizes the lawn of his hired house for 
raising hay. And who has seen the glories of the Hud- 
son without being shocked by the hidcousness of such 
places as Peekskill? It is hardly an exaggeration to say 



ON THINGS IN GENERAL. 151 

that, out of the old settled districts, there is nothing 
rural in America. The country is unkempt. Snake- 
fences, rocks degraded by quack advertisements, un- 
painted wooden houses, garbage piles at the doors — 
such are the tokens of rural life in limerica. As a native 
has well phrased it, "there is a great deal of land, but 
very little country." And then the country railway 
stations! Who shall describe their unqualified liideous- 
ness, their chilling desolation, their unwelcoming empti- 
ness? Often their ugliness has carefully been made 
worse. On the Erie Railway at a small station just 
outside Jersey City, an old locomotive tender has been 
deprived of its wheels and labelled with letters a foot 
long " Garbage Box." 

Prof. Fiske, writing on the advantages of infancy, 
shows that the development of man to liis highest 
form is dependent upon the training made possible by 
prolonged infancy, and that the false notions, super- 
stitions and mistakes of the child are really useful ele- 
ments in its growth to adult life. The same has been 
said of a nation. Indeed it is now a commonplace 
that societies are organisms, and subject like them to 
laws of growth and development. But America had no 
infancy. In three generations it sprang from the posi- 
tion of a province into the foremost rank of nations. 
Accordingly we find in American life an absence of 
what Carlyle called "the rich invigoration of crude be- 
liefs and superstitions;" and the same great grumbler 
unwittingly excused many of the crudities he blamed 
when in his luminous language he said the American 
was '"^orphaned of the solemn inspiration of antiquity." 
The author of Tlie Bigloio Papers expresses in touching 
language the same thought: 



152 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

" O strange New World, that yet wast never young. 
Whose youth from thee by gripin' want was wrung, 
Brown loundlin' o' the woods, whose baby bed 
Was prowled round by the Injun's (;racklin' tread, 
An' who grew'st strong thru' shifts, an' wants an' pains, 
Nursed by stern men with empires in their brains!" 

We often hear that Uncle Sara inherited from the old 
nations much of his material greatness; but on the other 
hand he seems to have lost by his deprivation of infancy 
much of that vague quality which has been styled 
"sweetness and light," and Avhich includes a love of the 
beautiful. America is but a vast workshop and kitchen- 
garden. Its floor is littered with the debris of indus- 
trial activity. To complain of its unfesthetic character 
is perhaps like grumbling because the floor of an iron- 
foundry is not carpeted. A general sweeping and clean- 
ing up would be premature, leading only to waste of 
trouble, for the floor would soon be encumbered again. 
There has been no time for this; but it is coming. 
Already, the offices of Uncle Sam are models of com- 
fort, and even of beauty. Perhaps his cities, streets 
and country lanes will soon follow. 

Between fifty and sixty years ago the Americans in- 
troduced into their country the locomotive. They had 
been watching with interest the experiments of Stephen- 
son in England, and no sooner was success achieved than 
they adopted the crude idea and began to develop it. 
It would be hard to say which nation has since made the 
greater advance in railway construction and manage- 
ment. Both England and America have left the rest of 
the world behind; how far behind one can only realize on 
seeing some of the primitive ** puffing billies" of France 



ON THIN08 IN GENERAL. 153 

and ether Continental nations. But they have advanced 
along divergent lines; so that comparison is not easy. 
For comfort in travelling the palm mnst undoubtedly 
be awarded the nation that invented the sleeping- and 
drawing-room cars; and that at an early date ceased to 
build railway carriages after the design of the old stage- 
coach. Here, in an American's rejoinder to an English- 
man's unfavourable criticism of transatlantic methods, we 
have a terse description of the way Uncle Sam travels: 

" We take first-class tickets that cost us \ld. (3 cents) a mile. A 
porter meets us at the entrance and takes our valise. We enter a 
car in which there are a number of comfortable arm-chairs. 
These chairs swing around, so that we can face the windows the 
passengers, or one another. If we wish to be exclusive we take 
a compartment — for two, four or six, as we please. But as I enjoy 
plenty of air I choose the main body of the car. At my elbow 
I find an electric bell, in answer to which comes a negro waiter 
who is ready to bring you anything — from a telegraph blank to a 
lunch. The floor is well carpeted and each chair has a big foot- 
stool. There is a smoking-room at one end of the car fitted up in 
leather, as well as the usual convenience of wash-basin, soap, 
towel, lavatory, etc. A little table can be fitted at your seat which 
can serve you as lunch- or card-table. The car stewards make tea, 
coffee and chocolate. On short distances many neighbors are apt 
to be on the same car, and a drawing-room is the best counterpart 
of it." 

In England we are locked up in a narrow compart- 
ment with eight or nine other people, all wedged to- 
gether on two seats, and half of us with our backs to 
the engine. AVe have no arm-chairs, no waiters to bring 
us lunch, no lavatory accommodation — nothing in fact 
to relieve the tediousness of the journey or the discom- 
fort of our crowded position. If we get hungry, we run 
into the refreshment-room of some station for a sand- 



154 UNCLE SAM AT HOME 

wich, or buy a luncli-basket and use our knees for a 
table — the other passengers looking on with that British 
stolidity which foreigners so often mistake for some- 
thing worse. As for lavatory accommodation on a train, 
the majority of the English people have never heard of 
such a thing! They are not supposed to require such 
accommodation wliilo travelling — or if by chance they 
do, they wait till the train stops! We are a very long 
way behind America in comfortable travelling. 

East of Chicago the speed of trains compares not un- 
favourably with that of the best trains in England. 
On short local lines, too, the comparison holds good; 
and the slow and wearisome trains of, say, the Lan- 
cashire & Yorkshire or the Southeastern bave their 
parallels in America. Artemus Ward is accredited with 
a good story in this connection: Wben the conductor 
was punching his ticket— which he does about every 
tenth mile — Artemus remarked: " Does this railroad 
company allow passengers to give it advice if they do so 
in a respectful manner?" The conductor replied in 
gruff tones that he guessed so. " Well," Artemus went 
on, " it occurred to me that it would be well to detach 
the cow-catcher from the front of the engine and hitch 
it to the rear of the train. For you see we are not 
liable to overtake a cow, but what's to prevent a cow 
strolling into this car and biting a passenger?" 

Passengers are in the habit of placing their railway 
tickets conspicuously on the front of their hats, so that 
the conductor may take and punch them to his heart's 
content without disturbance. I once saw the passen- 
gers in a We?t Shore train curiously classified by the 
conductor: those going beyond Albany had a plain red 
card thrust into the ribbon of their hats or pinned to their 



ON THINGS IN GENERAL. 155 

shawls, and those stojiping at Albany were labelled with 
a white ticket. On some Western lines the conductor 
gives you in place of your coupon a coloured ticket, on 
which is printed your destination with a list of inter- 
vening stations and distances, and the direction, "Keep 
this ticket visible/' You accordingly wear it in your 
hat, and the conductor knows where you are going at a 
glance. Americans are always amused on their first 
journey from Liverpool to Loudon at our slow-and-easy 
ways. That the train should pull up just outside the 
station, while men go from carriage to carriage collecting 
tickets, is as great a surprise to them as the Continental 
conductor is to Englishmen when be clambers along the 
rushing train and suddenly appears at the window with 
a cry of Billets, messieurs ! 

The American system of checking luggage — or bag- 
gage, as TJncle Sam prefers to call it — is excellent. You 
tell the hotel clerk you are going to Kansas City on the 
eight o'clock train. Presently he gives you a number of 
brass checks, each representing a package, and tells you 
that your luggage has been taken to the station. At 
the station you walk to your seat in the train, which 
has been engaged by the same Genius of the King, the 
hotel clerk. In three or four da3'S, as you are approach- 
ing Kansas City, a boy walks through the train jing- 
ling a number of brass checks on straps ; and to 
him you entrust your checks and say where you want 
your luggage sent. Shortly after you get to the hotel, 
your trunks are brought upstairs, and then you see 
them for the first time since leaving New York. You 
have travelled fifteen hundred miles without a disquiet- 
ing thought concerning the ''impedimenta," as the 
Roman appropriately called his luggage. An American, 



166 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

habituated to this system and travelling in Europe, often 
thinks he has slipped back into Roman times. A story is 
told of an American travelling in England who required 
the guard's constant reassurance that his trunk was all 
right. At every station he put his head out of the win- 
dow, and cried, " Conductor, is my trunk all right ?" 
*' Yessir, it's in the back van," blandly replied the guard 
each time. But presently the guard grew tired of the 
ever-recurring question, and the answer "yessir" came 
shorter and took more the character of a hiss. " Is my 
trunk all right ?" asked the American for the thirteenth 
time. The guard drew himself up in front of the win- 
dow, and fiercely regarding the anxious Yankee, replied, 
'*If God had made you an elephant instead of an ass, 
you'd have been able to take care of your own trunk." 
With characteristic good-humour, the American told the 
story against himself, 

Americans in England are always greatly entertained 
by our tavern signs. Our green dragons, blue lions, 
white harts, pig and whistles, cock and bottles, bull and 
mouths, are a source of constant interest and amusement 
to them. And of course they are less attentive to the 
entertaining signs and notices to be found all over their 
own country. Yet these are often more curious than 
the quasi-heraldic devices of our country inns. A no- 
tice in a New England card-room informs patrons that 
*' The proprietor will do all the swearing, getting drunk, 
and vulgar talking for the establishment." In the 
Cambria County court-house at Ebensburg, Pennsylva- 
nia, a notice artistically displayed and printed in black 
and gold runs as follows: "^ If you exiaect to rate (ex- 
pectorate) as a gentleman, you will use the spittoons 
and not the floor. You will also refrain from defacing 



ON THINGS IN GENERAL. 157 

this fine building in any way. Compliance with this 
gentle reminder may avert legal penalties."* Here is 
another eloquent and firm admonition to good behaviour. 
It is in a printing-office in New York: 

Gentlemen are politely kequested 

NOT TO 

YELL 
IN THIS Office. 

I have heard of the following suggestive sign placed 
near the till in business houses : 

"The Lord helps those that help themselves; but 
the Lord help those that help themselves here \" 

In Broadway a tradesman's sign reads 

Jonas Blank Pants Exclusively. 

This does not mean that Jonas suffers from chronic 
asthma : it means that he sells nothing but trowsers. 
Under the Grand Union Hotel at Saratoga the sign of 
a "tonsorial parlor and capillary studio" reads thus: 
''Any colored hair bleached blond in an hour." At 
the Philadelphia swimming-bath a notice is displayed 
indicating the hours set apart for •'* Ladies and Misses," 
and " Gents and Masters." An '•' omnifarious store" is 
a common sight " out west ;" and I have seen this all- 
inclusive sign supplemented by another: "Groceries, 
tripe, pigs' feet, saurkraut, hot coffee, birch beer ;" 
and by the door were boots, tin pails, trowsers, a clock, 
goloshes, petroleum barrels, empty biscuit tins and a 
milk-can. The most startling sign I have ever seen is 



158 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

the one common on the rocks of Broadway, the fine 
road that runs along the Hudson from New York to 
Albany, It is terse and resonant. It seems that after 
some religious fanatic had painted on the rocks such ex- 
hortations as " You must repent or go to hell/' some other 
lunatic erased the first four words, and the remainder is 
left to cheer the weary wayfarer as he trudges from New 
York. 

The school-girl who figures in Eiifilisli as she is 
Taught was mistaken when she said '^'Climate lasts all 
the time, and weatlier only a few days." In America it 
is just the other way about. Indeed it is probably a 
mistake to talk about the American climate at all. One 
might as well speak of the stratum of the earth^s crust. 
There are innumerable climates in America, and some- 
times they are all operative at once. The people of Cali- 
fornia boast about the number of distinct climates found 
Avithin the limits of their State. They need not. There 
are just as many to be found in any other State. In New 
York, for instance, they had 95° degrees one day, and 
a snow-storm the next. At Greeley, fifty miles north 
of Denver, the mercury dropped from 50° to 2° in littl'^ 
more than an hour. In Denver itself it fell thirty de- 
grees in eight minutes. At Yuma in Southern Califor- 
nia it is hot enough to give probability to the story of 
a soldier who, after dying there, found himself obliged 
to return to earth for his blanket. And it was not to 
heaven that he had gone ! 

In Minnesota they have one hundred and sixty cli- 
mates, ranging anywhere from fifty-five degrees below 
zero to a hundred and five above. The trouble is that 
one never knows one day at which end of tlie barometer 
the climate is going to be the next day. It is interest- 



Olf THINGS IN GENERAL. 159 

ing to watch it leap up and down the mercury-tube, but 
it is trying to the complexion. 

There is one kind of American climate that is worthy 
of special notice. It comes in the late fall, in the win- 
ter and early spring. It fills people with electricity so 
that they are constantly going off in little explosions, 
and giving shocks instead of handshakes to their friends. 
AVhen this particular dry, cold climate is operative, it 
is possible, after shuffling across a woollen carpet, to 
light the gas by touching the burner with the finger. 
There is a quick snap, a stinging shock, a little blue 
spark, and presto ! the gas is alight. A newspaper — 
tissue paper or a silk handkerchief is better — briskly 
rubbed against a mirror, will adhere to it and crackle if 
torn away. I have had writing-paper cling to my hand, 
like tissue paper to amber, or stick to the window-cur- 
tains when thrown against them. This is a very wonder- 
ful kind of climate, and brings such a flow of spirits as to 
make one certain that Mr. Mallock never was in such a 
meteorological environment : else he would never have 
asked his lugubrious question. One Englishman who 
experienced the exhilaration of this climate exclaimed, 
*'I see why you Americans do not drink champagne: 
you breathe it." But they drink champagne all the 
same ! 



160 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



CHAPTER XL 



THE PROFESSION OF POLITICS. 
A DOG. 



WITH A STORY OF 



"The Public! Why, the Public's nothing better than a great 
baby I" — Chalmers. 

S Colonel Ingersoll was one day 
standing on the deck of a steamer, 
he was accosted by a solemn-look- 
ing man, dressed in black and 
bearing other evidences of a relig- 
ious profession. "Sir," said the 
divine, in a loud voice so as to at- 
tract the attention of other pas- 
sengers, "I understand that if you 
had directed the Creation, you 
would have ordered things differ- 
ently." The Colonel, alter vain- 

_ ly trying to evade the man, was 

obliged to reply that he might have 
made some such remark. "Then," said the cleric Avitli 
a smile at the on-lookers, " will you tell these friends in 
what particular you would have made things different?" 
" Certainly, sir ; I'd have made good health catching 
instead of disease." " Eh ?'" ejaculated the astonished 
ecclesiastic. "And," continued Col. Ingersoll, "I 




THE PROFESSION OF POLITICS. IGi 

would have visited on the third and fourth generations, 
the virtues of the mothers instead of the sins of the fa- 
thers !" 

Robert Ingersoll is not the only man who would have 
ordered things differently at the Creation. Most people 
the world over would have left out lawyers. Uncle Sam 
would have stopped the creative process just before it 
reached professional politicians. Though other improve- 
ments would have been made or suggested by some of 
Uucle Sam's boys, yet in every part of the Republic 
unanimity would have prevailed in this matter of leav- 
ing the professional politician uncreated. If he, with 
his ''boss," had had to spend eternity in excursions 
through space as a nebulous cloud or as a fortuitous 
cluster of soulless atoms, Uncle Sam would not have 
relented : he would probably but have coined another 
verb, and said, " Let them excurt !" 

A member of this unnecessary profession, while 
criticising an opponent, has furnished an example of 
what is known in the American neology as a " complete 
give-away ;" that is, he inadvertently let us into the 
secret of his class. '•' Gentlemen," said he, " there is a 
theory, pretty well substantiated by facts, that a death 
, and a birth always occur simultaneously, and that the 
-'-i'— -^irit of the dead man enters the body of the new-born 
child. I have very carefully investigated the record of 
my opponent, and I find that wlien he was born nobody 
died." 

A soul indeed would be but a cumbersome ap})endage 
to the professional poliDician. All that he wants is a 
slight foreign accent — a brogue is preferable — and a 
willingness to enter political life as soon as he gets his 
luggage— if he have any — through the custom-house. 



162 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 




Such a one, redolent of patriotism and Avhi.-key, was ac- 
costed on his arrival at Castle 
Garden, and asked to which 
party he belonged. 

" With grave 
Aspect he rose, and in his rising 

seemed 
A pillar of state; deep on his front 

engraven 
Deliberation sat, and public care; 
And princely counsel in his face 

yet shone, 
Majestic though in ruin." 

"Is it parthy ve mane?" 

A pillar of state. g^-^j j^^ . ,, q^^j^; q^,^ ^^^^ 

the gover'mint I" And so he was. So are they all, 
until they get into the gover'mint themselves. Even 
then they are not at rest. They remind one of their 
compatriots in our own council-chamber. They recall 
the countryman's description of his new dog. Said he: 
" The fust night I locked him in, and oh I he jist howled 
and tore 'round that kitchen like all possessed, and in 
the mornin' I see he had gnawed a hole pretty near 
through the door, tryin' to get out. So I thought if he 
would ruther stay out than in, I was willin', and the 
next niglit I locked him out. And all night long that 
dog run 'round the house, and howletl and whined and 
scratched and made a tarnal fuss, and in the mornin' 
I'm darned ef he hedn't gnawed a hole a'most through 
the door frum the outside, try in' to git in, and I says to 
myself : ' You cussed fool ! wun't nuthin' satisfy you ? ' 
So the third night I left the kitchen door wide open, 



'THE PROFESSION OF POLITICS. 



163 



so's he could please himself 'bout stayin' in er stayin' 
out, and dern me ef that dog didn't set right in the 
doorway all night and howl about nuthin' \" 




" Wun't nuthin' satisfy you ?" 

Americans have been known to regi'et that they were 
not born in Ireland, so that they might have something 
to say about the management of their great land. But 
the average native republican has no time for politics. 
As Bill Nye says : " He seems to be so busy paying his 
taxes all the time that he has very little time to mingle 
in the giddy whirl of the alien. That is why," he adds, 
"we are always in a hurry. That is the reason we have 
to throw our meals into ourselves with a dull thud, and 
hardly have time to maintain a warm personal friend- 
ship with our families." 

A negro was sauntering along the street with the 
happy deliberateness of his race, when a policeman 
brusquely shouted, " Get out of the way, you nigger: here 



164 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 




"I'se de people derselves!" 



come the representatives," " De representatibs ! who's 
dey ?" *' The Representatives of the People, you blun- 
der-head !" " Ump !" re- 
sponded the darky with in- 
effable scorn ; " de represen- 
tatibs ob de people I I'se de 
2:)cople derselves !" 

There is nothing so grave 
that it cannot be made to 
look funny if reflected by a 
convex mirror. Rousseau 
was present at the death-bed 
of a woman in whom the 
death-rattle was heard Avith 
the giggle excited by 
her own joke. There is an 
uncanny mingling of the death-rattle and giggle in 
American politics : a good deal of facial distortion to get 
fun out of solemnity. The only condemnation reserved 
for many kinds of wrong-do- 
ing in America is a laugh. 
The degradation of State and 
municipal politics is, for the 
most part, but a theme for the 
funny column of the news- 
paper. Men who fix their gaze 
intently on the clown's view 
of life, are apt to mistake the 
leer of a skull for a grin of 
merriment. 

Patriotism, which Dr. John- 
son defined as "the last refuge 
of a scoundrel," is mainly a sentiment for banquet toasts 




THE PROFESSION OF POLITICS. 165 

and odes to the star-spaugled banner. The ship of 
state is manned by a crew of self-seeking politicians, 
who see in patriotism their opportunity, and in Canada 
their refuge. So long as she keeps afloat, the owners of 
the ship are content to let her drift, while they devote 
themselves to paddling little cock-boats of their own. 
Only when the ship gets upon the rocks, as she did 
twenty-five years ago, are cock-boats and private life- 
buoys thrown aside. Then, indeed, the nation can rise 
as one man, with Sjiartan patriotism and Spartan hero- 
ism. Nothing so well indicates the strength of the 
federal system as that it should have survived disrup- 
tion during half a century of political corruption. If 
the federal government had been corrupt — say as bad as 
the governments of States and large cities, it would per- 
haps not have survived disruption. 

A Texan lawyer recently produced in a court of that 
State a petition addressed to the County Judge, signed 
by a large number of the most respectable and intelli- 
gent people of the place, asking that a leading and 
greatly esteemed citizen should be summarily hanged. 
Not one of the signers knew wliat he was signing. The 
petition was got up to illustrate the worthlessness of 
such documents. It also illustrates the off-hand way in 
which citizens perform such public duties as they under- 
take. 

We are often called upon to admire institutions which 
invest every man with the rights and privileges of citi- 
zenship — the right to vote. We have imaginative pic- 
tures of 



" The freeman casting with unpurchased hand 
The vote that shakes the turrets of the land." 



166 VNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

Yet we read in the New York Independent that nearly 
half a million registered voters in New York State 
neglected in 1880 to exercise their high prerogative. 
This means that one citizen in every three so little ad- 
mired these institutions of equality, that he failed in his 
first duty of citizenship. First duty, did I say? There 
I am wrong ; for the first duty is to register, and here 
the failures cannot be counted. The small school-girl 
who recently defined the Constitution as " that part of 
the book at the end which nobody reads" wrote better 
than she knew. There are in the various New England 
States some legal antiquities called Blue Laws which are 
a good deal laughed at nowadays. One of these laws of 
Massachusetts reads : '* It is ordered, that whosoever of 
the Freemen does not appear at elections in person or 
by proxy, he shall be for such neglect amerced to the 
treasury, ten shillings." This law might do good if 
revived. The New American party in California de- 
mands some such compulsion. But to force a man by 
legal enactment to exercise a privilege is nearly as il- 
logical as Carlyle's notion that men have a right to be 
forced to work. 

New York has just learned an old truth in a new form; 
her board of aldermen, her " Collective ^Yisdom," her 
"government," is simply a band of rogues. Tlie news- 
papers are full of righteous indignation ; and truths 
long suppressed or ignored are published in large capi- 
tals. Yet there is little excitement except among jour- 
nalists and the gang itself. There is no pojiular demon- 
stration, such as I read of at Salford, where a defraud- 
ing official has just been discovered. Let me quote a 
few paragraphs from the New York papers. With the 
present iudrift of radical legislation to manhood suf- 



THE PROFESSION OF POLITICS. 167 

frage and paid politicians in England, such lessons as 
we can draw from the exj)erieuce of America are es- 
pecially valnable. We may also get a glimpse of the 
working of the political machine, the Caucus, which 
has been introduced among ourselves. 

[New York Times.] 

Dr. Crosby makes a certain broad analysis of the 250,000 voters 
of the city. Of these be says 60,000 are made up of "the idle, 
the ignorant, and the criminal," who cast their votes at the beck 
of a "little knot of unprincipled idlers" into whose bauds "our 
want of care and watchfulness for our city has thrown the whole 
management of its governnienl." Thirty thousand more "who 
could do much to offset this foul vote" do not take the trouble to 
be registered and to vote. " They have no conscience regarding 
their duly to the city that protects them and in which they pros- 
per." The great bulk of the remaining 160,000 voters " humbly, 
unresistingly follow the lead of the political party to which they 
belong, which party is managed by the wretched stuff found in 
the first 60,000." Perhaps out of the whole mass of 250,000, he 
adds, " we may count 20,000 as casting independent votes for good 
men and receiving the maledictions of the party organs for doing 
so." . . . 

The very condition of the public mind which has produced the 
state of things under which good men groan, and against which 
they protest, is the chief difficulty in the way of applying the ob- 
vious remedy. If these people of New York have not cared 
enough about their public interests to guard against official incom- 
petency, dishonesty and corruption, or to check it in its begin- 
nings, will they exert themselves to eradicate it now? Are they 
alive to the evils of the saloons which thrive by their patronage or 
their tolerance, and do they care much to "squelch" the nuisance? 
The primary evil exists, we fear, in a low standard of honor even 
among the great mass of the most intelligent citizens, in a blunted 
moral sense and indifference to abuses that should excite indigna- 
tion, in the utter absence of a pervading public sentiment which 
may be successfully wrought upon to bring about reform. 



168 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

[Neto York Advertiser. 'I 

Tliis city is roT)beil, plundered, oppressed and atrociously mis- 
governed by its worst elements; thieves and " fences" and cor- 
rupt burii'uincrs become city officers or city le.cislators ; rascals 
■with money buy from rascals in office whatever they want of 
privilege ; and all because better men, led astray by political zeal, 
make bargains and "deals" and coalitioiis at election time. 

[NeiD Turk Pod.'\ 

Tlicrc will be no surprise in this community to learn that one 
of our Aldermen was a regular receiver of stolen goods— an ac- 
complice, indeed, with a notorious band of thieves. "What else 
can we expect when we choose om' Aldermen from liquor stores 
and gambling dens? Jaehne was a silent partner in a liquor store 
before he went into the jewelry business. He is a fair sample of 
the morality of our average Aldermen. So long as we make the 
liquor business a training school for local statesmen, we must ex- 
pect to get this kind of Aldermen. The wonder of it is that we 
allow such a board to remain in existence. That we should not 
only allow it, but should actually put in their hands the power of 
selling for their own private advantage railway franchises worth 
millions of dollars, is not merely-a wonder, but a dis^grace. 

Gotham is not the only misgoverned city in the 
United States. The Advertiser says : 

New York only furnishes the most flagrant illustration of a sys- 
tem which has already become established in all of our large cities. 
The Boston Itccord has just done a good piece of journalistic work 
by looking up the occupations of all the members of the Demo- 
cratic ward and city committee, which dictates the Democratic 
nominations for city offices, which nominations are ratified at the 
polls. Tiie committee consists of 275) members, and of the whole 
nun)ber seventy-eight, or considerably more than one quarter, are 
engaged in the li(]uor business, while tiflyeight are odice-holders 
who secured their places through subserviency to this interest. 
Together these two classes constitute within four of a majority of 



THE PROFESSION OF POLITICS. 169 

the body, and as their personal interest in politics insures their at- 
tendance upon meetings in much larger proportion than other 
classes of the membership (among whom, by the way, are seven- 
teen men whose names could not be found in the directory), it is 
obvious that they can control its action all the time The impu- 
dence of the liquor element in Boston is shown by the fact that 
since a law was passed prohibiting the granting of licenses to 
saloons within 400 feet of a school-house, it has forced the aban- 
donment of more than one school-house in order to prevent tlie 
closing of saloons in the neighborhood which were run by poli- 
ticians. " 

The citizen who wants to control his own actions, and 
to have his country honestly governed, is in a strange 
dilemma. If lie pays his legislators a salary, his coun- 
cil-chambers are soon overrun with unsuccessful business 
men, idle young lawyers, and half-educated failures of 
all descriptions, who cheat and pilfer him until he is dis- 
tracted. If, on the other hand, he does not pay his legis- 
lators, he is overrun by men who have made a fortune in 
business and now enter politics to carry out some theory of 
government evolved in the counting-house; and by these 
his constitution is ever being j^atched up and tinkered, 
or his actions controlled, until he is swathed in red tape, 
like an Indian pajDOose. It is possible of course that 
the system of paying legislators would work better in 
England than it has worked in America, because with 
us the pursuit of wealth is not carried to so great an ex- 
treme. Perhaps our best men, men whose positions 
place them above a bribe, would still enter political 
life; but it is certain that the salary would attract many 
who are not so happily jalaced. And this would be a 
calamity we should not calmly invite. Honest men will 
soon quit a profession which entices rogues. The ad- 
vocates of paid legislatures should examine the system 



170 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

iu America before trying to establish it among our- 
selves. 

The professional politician here described is not the 
one who occupies the presidential chair or sits in the 
senate. Things are not so bad as that. Despite the 
insinuation of a prominent English journalist, " If by a 
surprise of fortune, the President hai^pens to be a gen- 
tleman/' the First Magistrate of the Republic is gener- 
ally a man of honor and education ; while not a few 
have belonged to that class of nature's noblemen who 
rank above "gentlemen." The professional politician 
here meant is the City Alderman or State Eepresentative, 
but more frequently the political boss — the man who 
creates the President and makes senators. Every im- 
portant official is nominated in a convention of politi- 
cians, who are usually without office 
themselves, and his name is placed by 
them on the voting ticket used by elec- 
tors at the ballot. Though any elector 
may make out his own ticket, and vote 
for himself as mayor of his own city, he 
knows full well that no candidate stands 
Raw material, the Icast cliance of election unless nom- 
inated in the usual way and joined to the jiarty ticket. 
Hence electors, rather than throw their votes away, pre- 
fer to choose the least objectionable of the nominees of 
the bummers, as these caucus-leaders are named, but 
as the proverb has it, '' there's little choice in rotten 
apples." These are the men who really make the gov- 
ernment. Their power, however, is on the wane, es- 
pecially in federal politics ; but in the governments of 
States and cities they have a power almost incredible. 




THE PROFESSION OF POLITICS. 



171 



I can name several cities where as many as forty thou- 
sand votes have been controlled by men with such names as 
Jerry Mulroy, Barney 
Biglin, Buck Brady, 
John Kelly, Boss Mc- 
Laughlin and Johnny 
O'Brien. 

But even the great 
federal Congress which 
is sometimes held up 
as a pattern for us to 
copy, is hardly worthy 
the encomiums which 
have been so freely 
lavished upon it. A 
body of men who are 
so blind to the neces- 
sities of their native 
literature, and so ob- 
livious of the just 
claims of foreign writ- 
ers, as to refuse an international copyright law, barely 
command our respect, much less veneration. A Col- 
lective Wisdom that mistakes what is gainful to a 
few capitalists for what is profitable to a whole na- 
tion, does not appeal with overpowering eloquence to 
our admiration. Then what shall be said of its recent 
pension bill ? There was hardly a newspaper in the 
country, republican or democrat, that did not sup- 
port the President's veto of this pernicious measure, 
which was passed in the House by a vote of 180 to 
76, and in the Senate without a roll-call. Amid such 
a chorus of approval as followed the President's act. 




Fiuislied product. 



172 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

one was fain to ask, " Whom and what does Congress 
represent T' and to symi^athize with the answer, as 
given in The Epoch.: "Certainly not the loublic sen- 
timent which finds expression in the majority of repu- 
table newspapers, and evidently not the sound common- 
sense of the American people, which has been appealed 
to with apparent effect by the President's veto message." 
The fact is that Congress, recently called the " most au- 
gust body in the world," finds itself ungracefully stick- 
ing on the horns of a dilemma. The tariff system has 
called into existence interests which are jiowerful enough 
to make or unmake any party. On the other hand, ihe 
revenue accruing to government vastly exceeds its legiti- 
mate expenditure. To curtail the income they must 
meddle with the tariff ; but that would not be tolerated 
by the protectionist party. So nothing remains but to 
increase the expenditure — somehow. A pension bill 
including in its benign operations even deserters and 
rogues, is one way out of the difhculty. Another is the 
building of a navy, which under the control of some 
''Jingo'' statesman of the future, or in command of 
some enterprising admiral, may lead the Republic into 
a war which will effectually remove the difficulty of the 
surjilus. In this way there may be reached an equilib- 
rium, which, however, will not be rest. 

It must not be supposed that the American's apathy 
to politics is never thrown off. A stranger arriving in 
the midst of a presidential campaign, would think that 
every citizen and candidate for citizenship liad gone 
wild on the subject of politics. Electors and non-elec- 
tors parade the streets in their thousands, night after 
night, grotesquely garbed and carrying torches, march- 



THE PROFESSION OF POLITICS. 173 

ing iu military step along the uneven and often muddy 
pavement, cheering, yelling, singing. Eockets shoot 
across the sky with hoarse shrieks, or lodge in some 
chimney-stack, unpleasantly suggesting the snort of the 
fire-engine, which sometimes comes in as a sequel to 
these demonstrations. I have seen a torchlight proces- 
sion of this character eight miles long. 

Then who shall describe the intense interest of the 
party ''managers" when their candidate is nominated ? 
Who shall tell of the quiet dignity of the nominating 
convention, the sachem-like gravity of its members, and 
the silent solemnity with which its decision is received ? 
Here is the choice finale of a four-column description of 
Mr. Blaine's nomination, in the Herald, June 7, 1884: 

"Then pandomoniuni had its own. Barnum's stuffed eagles, 
owls, 'My Country, 'Tis of Tliee,' cheers, shouts, 'Yankee 
Doodle,' rebel yells, cornets, drums, hats, canes, ' See the Con- 
quering- Hero Comes,' umbrellas, sheaves of wheat, the infernal 
din of Henderson's gavel, the deep booms of outside cannon, re- 
sponded to by the hurrahs on the inside— a half-hour of utter con- 
fusion and incessant uproar— that's what happened, occurred and 
proceeded." 

After nomination, the candidate becomes public prop- 
erty. Every paragraphist has the right to recall every- 
thing that the aspirant for public honour has done and 
left undone; and to render it spicy and palatable to the 
public maw by condiments of exaggeration, scandal, 
lies and bad jokes. Mr. ]ilaine in his eloquent eulogy 
of President Garfield speaks of the "five full months of 
vituperation— a prolonged agony of trial to a sensitive 
man. a constant and cruel draft upon the powers of 
moral endurance" which follow nomination to the presi- 
dency. The American litany ought to be made to 



174 UNCLE SAM AT UOME. 

meet exigencies of public life by an additional clause: 
From public fame and defame, from scoffers, paragra- 
phists and liars generally, Good Lord deliver us. 

After election come other kinds of torture. In the 
Metropolitan Museum at New York there is a plaster 
cast of Lincoln's hand. Near it is a notice drawing at- 
tention to the fact that the thumb is swollen *' from con- 
gratulatory handshaking" I This handshaking ceremo- 
ny has to be gone through at frequent public receptions, 
when thousands of citizens step in and, ranging them- 
selves in a long row, pass before the Chief Magistrate to 
shake hands with him. Then so *' cabined, cribbed, 
confined " is the presidential office, that Mr. Cleveland, 
soon after his election, found it needful to deny a rumour 
that he had been fishing on Sunday, which in some 
States is a punishable offence. 

Then come applications for office as thick as locusts. 
Some of these get into the papers, or are concocted in 
the newspaper office. The Arkansaiu Traveller is au- 
thority for the following caustic letter to the President 
from the late postmaster at May Bloom, Arkansas: 

"I don't kerc nothin' for the monoy that's in this office. 
A dollar an' a half a ye^ir ain't no more to me than 75 cents 
is to yoii, but I don't want to be fooled with. Shortly airter 
you tnek your seat a man Avanfed to bet me that you wouldn't be 
in olliee mor'n a year till you would make some big mistake. I 
bet him a cow. Airter I got your notice tellia' me to git out, I 
driv the cow over to the feller's house, an' told him he had won 
her. You not only cut a man's pride, but you break him up in 
biis'ncss. I believe j'ou take i^leasure in Tiiakin' a teller feel bad, 
an' I don't believe you're mueli uv a Democrat nohow." 

The subscription recently started for a monument to 
General Grant recalls a similar subscription raised 
twenty years ago. Some twenty thousand dollars were 



THE PROFESSION OF POLITICS. 175 

collected soon after Lincoln's death for a monument to 
him. The sum was invested in government bonds and 
placed in the Treasury. In March, 1885, the Tribune 
announced that there remained but fifteen hundred dol- 
lars of it; the rest had been spent in salaries and designs 
for the monument. The monument itself liad never 
been begun ! 

Does this disorder imply a failure of republican insti- 
tutions ? By no means. The government of America 
was manufactured. It did not gi'ow as governments 
normally gi'ow. The period of the Revolution was one 
of active political speculation. Rousseau had Just for- 
mulated his ideal society founded on the equal rights of 
individuals; and the world was everywhere busy with 
similar problems. The leaders of the Revolution were 
prepared by the thought of the day to recognize the 
republican form as tlie ideal government; and the pecu- 
liar inter-relation of the colonies made a federal repub- 
lic the only form of union possible. Still, it was an 
ideal form, and required for its harmonious working an 
ideal humanity. The ideal humanity has of course been 
wanting; and that is why the federal republic has taken 
a form which was not contemplated at the outset. In 
other words, as men could not be moulded into harmony 
with their perfect institutions, the institutions had to 
adapt themselves to the imperfect natures of men. The 
political structure raised by Washington and the great 
men who surrounded him was a marvellous piece of 
architecture ; but its designers never dreamed that mil- 
lions of aliens would crowd its halls and corridors, oust- 
ing and crushing the native American to the wall. 
When the constitution was framed, contingencies were 



176 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

undreamt of which have since become dominant politi- 
cal factors. The founders of the Republic, though they 
builded better than they knew, never contemplated the 
boss system, under which voters are led by thousands 
to the poll, there to vote as directed. They nevei* 
dreamed of dangers to liberty arising from the German 
vote, the Irish vote, the liquor vote, a Senate of million- 
aires, or the evil influence of millions of illiterate aliens. 
But grave as these dangers seem, and baneful as is their 
outcome, one is reassured by the confidence of the 
Americans themselves It is easy to mistake for a 
mountain the black cloud of corruption that overhangs 
the Eepublic as if threatening liberty with ruin and 
death ; but the real mountain, concealed by the cloud, 
is the character of the American people — cold, impas- 
sive, but affluent in strength. The epidemic of dollar- 
hunting will not last forever. Men are gradually learn- 
ing that money is not an end : that it is but an aid to 
the purchase of satisfactions ; and they will presently 
realize that a pure government, a high standard of pub- 
lic life, an honest, unselfish public spirit, give to society 
a moral tone more satisfying to its members than any- 
thing that can be purchased by dollars, be they never so 
abundant. 




BECIPBOCITT OF CRIMINALS. 



Ill 



CHAPTER XII. 



RECIPROCITY IN CRIMINALS. 



" One of the Seven was won't to say: that Laws were like cob- 
webs, where the small flics were caught, and the great ones break 
through. " — Bacon. 

MARYLAND divine 
was passing tlirongh 
the streets of Balti- 
more one Sunday 
morning a few months 
ago, when his atten- 
tion was attracted by 
a group of boys play- 
ing baseball. Accost- 
ing them, he asked 
why they were not at 
Sunday-school. " The 
superintendent has 
gone to Canada, sir." 
*' Canada?" he repeated with a puzzled look. '^Yes, 
sir; he was a bank manager." The minister resumed 
bis walk with saddened mien as he thought, ''Nineteen 
centuries of Christianity have not made men honest." 

Defaulting bank managers who are also Sunday-school 

superintendents are not peculiar to America: they have 

been heard of in pious Scotland. What is peculiar to 

America is the premium put upon peculation by publio 

12 




178 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

indifference, and by the facility with wliich legal pun- 
ishment may be avoided. The journey from New York 
to Montreal is to an American hardly greater than the 
run from London to Brighton to an Englishman. Im- 
agine the demoralization which would result if London 
thieves of all grades, from pickpockets to absconding 
cashiers, were guaranteed immunity from punishment 
by a little trip to the seaside. That is exactly the con- 
dition of affairs in America. Thieves and other crim- 
inals who love not " the gladsome light of jurisprudence^' 
find a safe haven and congenial fellowship in Canada; 
and in Montreal there is fast forming a social set of 
ultra-exclusiveness, composed of every type of uncon- 
victed criminal. Extradition treaties are like Bacon's 
cobweb, allowing the great flies to break through. 
Every legal manceuvre has been tried to secure the pun- 
ishment of the rogues who are living at Montreal in 
luxury on the proceeds of their villany; but counter- 
measures have always balked justice, and hordes of 
thieves and swindlers are still at large. 

Whenever a criminal of gi'cater audacity than usual 
crosses the frontier with his carpet-bag well lined with 
plunder, the republican press sends up a wail of indig- 
nation and despair. The Canadian authorities are de- 
nounced for the legal laxity that promotes such dishon- 
esty in a neighbouring state. This is doubtless a right 
view to take; but in the absence of voluntary aid by 
Canada, ought not the federal governinent to try to 
secure some remedy itself? Untrammelled by red-tape- 
ism, men outside the sacred temple of the government 
think they see an easy remedy. Uncle Sam pleading 
with Canada for the criminals she is sheltering beneath 
the union jack, does not present a dignified figure; nor 



RECIPROCITY OF CRIMINALS. 



179 



does Canada appear to greater advantage. It is curious 
that in matters whicli are outside the province of govern- 
ment, people have great faitli in its efficacy, and con- 
stantly appeal to it ; but here, in a case where govern- 




ment alone can do anything, people content themselves 
with reproaching the colonists, and leave the real remedy 
untried. 

I emphasize the fact that Canada offers a ready asy- 
lum to criminals from the United States, because a great 
many people in England regard the Republic as mainly 
the producer of dynamiters and the protector of English 
thieves and forgers. It is well to know that there is 



180 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

complete reciprocity in criminals between Britain and 
America. 

One of the most difficult problems that await the 
coming American is the reconciliation of religion and 
morality, or, in default of this, the construction of a 
code of practical ethics, capable of standing without the 
prop of a religious sanction, and fitted to modern society. 
Supernatural religion has lost its hold on the minds of 
a large and increasing class of people. This is admitted 
even by the religionists, who often speak of the atheistic 
tendencies of the age. Supernaturalism is giving way 
to Rationalism. In America, the j)rocess has advanced 
a long way — even further than in Germany, for there 
the movement, though general among the cultured, does 
not extend to the mass of the people as it does in 
America. The writings of Spencer, Darwin, Huxley, 
Tyndall, Fiske, Wallace, Haeckel, and the lesser pro- 
phets of the new faith, are in the homes and minds of 
the people. They are working important changes in 
men's estimate of life and its purposes — changes which 
are not always beneficial to the individual affected. Re- 
ligion and morality have been made so interdependent 
by ecclesiastics in the jiast, that many people think they 
are identical; and when such people throw their religion 
overboard, their morality generally goes with it. It is 
not the new faith that should be blamed for this: it is 
the old one, which taught, not that morality was a good 
thing in itself, but that the goodness lay in obeying a 
commandment. Most men now realize that there are 
crimes undreamt of by Moses, and unnamed in the 
Decalogue, more heinous than that of coveting a neigh- 
bour's ass. The American morality, not yet evolved in its 



BECIPUOCITY OF CRIMINALS. 181 

completeness, will probably teach in simple phraseology 
that "it ]Days to be good, therefore be good" ! 

The age we live in is resj)onsible for many forms of 
crime unknown to previous ages. 

The Irish-American dynamiter, for instance, who 
periodically frightens the women and children of Eng- 
land by breaking windows and getting himself sen- 
tenced to penal servitude for life, is a product of 
ninteenth-century civilization equally with the penny 
post, railways and a free press. These are the days 
wdien the impurities of the social organism are working 
out, often by means of open sores. The corruption of 
centuries of class-government has come to a head; and 
we are witnessing changes akin to those wrought out by 
the French Eevolution. It is indeed but a sort of French 
revolution, adapted to our own age, and modified by 
small doses of constitutionalism. We may not realize 
it, but the age we live in is fraught with peril to creeds 
substantial as well as to "^creeds outworn." Movements 
are now being set up which will roll on into distant 
ages. Political methods, social forms, religions beliefs 
— all are being attacked, and some will surely go down 
before the onslaught. And the base of operations 
against European systems is often in America. There 
the descendants of Russian serfs, Scotch crofters, Polish 
refugees, evicted Irish peasants, deserting German con- 
scripts, and other victims of old-world tyranny, are liv- 
ing and working for their own good and no longer for the 
aggrandizement of superposed classes. They are doing 
more. They are carrying an active propaganda into their 
own country — amongst their old friends and relatives 
who still sull'er under unequal laws in opprobi-ious poverty 
— for in Europe poverty is opprobrious. These are the 



182 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

men in whom ages of repression are bursting into a re- 
action which threatens ruin to all government, good and 
bad. It is not in Americar that 

" vows to break tbe tyrant's yoke 
Expire iu Baccbaualian soug and smoke." 

The power and extent of the d3mamite conspiracy,how- 
ever, are overrated by Englishmen. Americans recog- 
nize in Eossa a mere windbag, who gets the contribu- 
tions of unthinking Irishmen and servant-girls by blus- 
ter, and spends them on the same — himself, namely. 
They laugh at the tirades of the British jiress whenever 
a dynamite explosion breaks a window or throws down 
a fence. Eossa, who is reputed to be of mild dis- 
position and is celebrated by comic journals for his 
charity, is really but an impudent 
\ ,n],!,^'^;^^ fraud. The majority of his kin in 
America disown him; and some of 
the strongest denunciations of his 
policy have come from Irishmen. 
When Mrs. Dudley shot him in 
^ New York, a great laugh crossed 

the face of the Republic. He did 
not then pose as a martyr, but as a bulToon. Here 
is an example of the ridicule in which Uncle Sam in- 
dulged: 

" Ob, I am a blomly old dynamitard ! 

Sing bifT I bing ! tizzcty-bang ! 
The hand grenade and tbe big petard 

I'm fixing to Ibng in the qiieen's front yard. 
Sing bo to tbe lad from SUibberdedang 

Who'll demolish the queen's dominionsi 




RECIPEOCITT OF CRIMINALS. 183 

Nitro-glycerine is my daily driuli! 

Sing smash ! crash ! lickety-slash ! 
And the daintiest food is powder, I think; 

I can cliew up a cartridge without a wink. 
Blue vitriol I use to se^ison my hash. 

For my appetite's like my opinions. 

Ah, here comes a girl with a little gun; 

Sing help! murder! call the police! 
Whatever I've done was always in fun. 

And rather than light I'd always run. 
Sing ho to the lovely paths of peace. 

And blest be the queen and her minions." 

It is a mistake to suppose that the Irish in America 
are all worthless as citizens of the Republic, or Fenians 
in their relation to England. With their patriotism for 
Ireland there generally lurks an affection for the great 
Empire of which their own little Emerald is but a part: 
a part, though, that has contributed far beyond its pro- 
portion to make the Empire great. Not only has Ire- 
land given us Wellingtons and Wolseleys; she has always 
furnished the stalwart backbone of the rank and file of 
our army. 

Individually, the Irishman is the most generous, lov- 
able, hot-blooded good-for-nothing. Full of bright- 
ness and mirth, a hospitality that inquires not the na- 
tionality of the recipient, and a love of kin and the 
"ould counthry^' that nothing can quench, ages of mis- 
government have not marred him beyond recovery. Here 
is testimony to his credit : The remittances by Irish 
settlers in the United States to friends in Ireland be- 
tween 1851 and 1887 amounted to twenty-four and a 
half million sterling. In 1881 more than a million 
and a half sterling was thus sent — an average of nearly 



184 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

five shillings to every man, woman and child in Ire- 
land ! 

More than fifty years ago the following protest against 
paujier and criminal immigration appeared in the New 
England Magazine (vii. p. 499 [1834]): 

"The drones that 'Europe breeds in her decay' are shaken 
from her lap upon the blooming bosom of our own delightful 
land. The sluices of a polluted emigration from the old world 
are freely opened to us, and the defecated dregs of centuries are 
drained off. Heaven knows that we would not exclude from the 
blessings of our free government, and our generous soil, the hon- 
est and the industrious of other climes, simply because they may 
be poor or unfortunate. We would fling wide our portals, and 
bid them enter. It is a proud title for a country, that of the 
Asylum of the Oppressed. As Americans we glory in it. But we 
do most decidedly protest against having the nation converted 
into one vast lazar-house, for the reception of the sturdy beggars, 
the contented paupers, and all the mauvais siijets of England and 
Ireland, who may be shifted upon us by fat capitalists, better able 
than we to bear the incumbrance. Unless the evil be checked, it 
will distend itself until it press like a horrid incubus upon the 
energies of our high-minded native population." 

England and Ireland have not been the only offenders. 
I once read in an old American newspaper that an Aus- 
trian ship of war had just arrived, and in an imposing 
manner hmded a cargo of paupers and criminals at New 
York! Perhaps it is these "dregs of the effete mon- 
archies" Avho are now returning to (^anada and Europe 
as defaulting bank jircsidents, Polish anarchists. Eus- 
sian conspirators, and Irish dynamiters. If so, here is 
poetic justice ! At any rate, it is certain that American 
prisons and workhouses are largely filled by foreigners. 
The census of 1880 showed that, while the foreign-born 



RECIPROCITY OF CRIMINALS. 185 

were only thirteen percent of the entire poi^ulation, they 
furnished nineteen per cent of the convicts in peniten- 
tiaries, and forty-three per cent of the inmates of work- 
houses and houses of correction. The immigrant seems 
to control the liquor traffic Of America. In 1880, of the 
traders and dealers in liquors and wines sixty-three per 
cent were foreign-born, and of the brewers and maltsters 
seventy-five per cent, while a large proportion of the 
remainder were of foreign parentage. Of saloon-keep- 
ers about sixty per cent were foreign-born, while many of 
the remaining forty per cent were of foreign extraction. 
The anarchists who so often enliven the public prints 
by what reporters love to call ''Communistic blood and 
thunder" are mostly foi'eigners. America is not only 
the paradise to which the shades of dead socialists go; it 
is also the happy hunting-ground of living communists. 
It is they Avho are at the bottom of the troubles that so 
often set capital and labor in antagonism. At Detroit 
Polish strikers were amenable only to the exhortations 
of their native priest. In the Connellsville coke regions 
Hungarian labor-troubles were unmanageable because 
the rioters did not understand English. The Chicago 
anarchists who threw the bomb among the policemen 
were foreigners with only one exception; and at a so- 
cialists' meeting in New York at which the wife of one 
of the condemned anarchists spoke, the audience did 
not understand enough English to take off their hats in 
presence of a lady as she bade them. Foreigners form 
the nuclei of the secret societies Avhich exist in every 
American town. Chicago alone is said to contain more 
than twenty thousand men pledged to the destruction 
of "monopolies," which in the socialists' vocabulary 
means the destruction of society. 



186 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

Herr Most, who was imprisoned in England for incen- 
diary writing in the Freiheit, is a conspicuous character 
among transatlantic socialists. Not long ago there was 
a free fight at a socialists' meeting in New York, and 
Most received a good drubbing from some left wing of 
his party. This fanatical German has given a definition 
of a revolutionist, which is instructive reading: 

"The revolutionist," says lie, "Las no personal interests, con- 
cerns, feelings or inclinations; no property, not even a name. In 
the depths of his nature, in words and deeds alike, he has fully 
broken with the civil order, with customs, morals and usages. 
He is the irreconcilable enemy of the world; and if he continues to 
live, it is only to destroy it with the greater certainty. " 

There is a thoroughness about this Nvhich is truly ad- 
mirable. There is no hair-splitting here, no half- 
spoken theories, no equivocal metaphors or algebraic 
signs. When we get a statement like this, we know ex- 
actly what we are dealing with. And its horrible can- 
dor is not made more comforting when we hear from 
Prof. Mczzerotf , of the International Dynamiters College, 
that he will continue to teach the manufacture of the 
deadliest explosives " until every workingman in Europe 
and America knows how to use them against autocratic 
government and grasping monopolies.^' This gentle 
Russian says: 

" 1 have the receipt for forty-two explosives in a bur>:lar-pvoof 
safe, and if I should die, they will l)e published to the world in 
order that all may know how to deliver themselves from 'yianis 
and those who wrong them. I can take tea and similar urticles of 
food from the family table anil make explosives with them tr.oic 
powerful than Italian gunpowder, the strongest gunpowder there 
i9." 



BECIPROCITT OF CRIMINALS. 187 

And with a bland simplicity that is almost endearing, 
he issues the following invitation to the free-born citi- 
zens of the Eepublic. 

" If we want to kill each other, let us do it on business princi- 
ples. Gunpowder kills at the rate of 1,200 miles a minute, dyna- 
mite at 200,000. If you use my explosive you can defend your- 
self against the armies of the world." 

One sometimes hears that these men are gentle and 
kind to their families: that they love the prattle of 
children; and that they of ten display a benevolence that 
belies their professed hatred of society. It may be true. 
They certainly display a bland innocence in their pub- 
lished writings. To think that society, emerging from 
barbarism after untold struggles towards the light, can 
be thrown back into chaos by a small grouj) of half-edu- 
cated, half-sane theorists, is childlike indeed. I do not 
share the apprehensions of some writers, who see noth- 
ing but evil ahead. We should welcome these theorists 
as tending to good rather than harm. Their wild utter- 
ances often indicate real grievances; and amid their rav- 
ings one may occasionally hear a new argument. But there 
is no real danger. It is contrary to the nature of things 
that increasing knowledge should tend to the disinte- 
gration of human society. The progress of knowledge 
is indissolubly bound up with the progress of mankind. 
Socialism, anarchy, and all the other ulcers which are 
spotting the body politic are unquestionable indications 
of ill-health; but they are not proofs of a moribund 
condition. That these extreme ideas prevail is a proof 
that the present industrial and political systems are not 
in harmony with the human nature living under them. 
Until harmony is reached — until equilibrium is estab- 



188 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

lished, there will contiDue this and similar forms of 
motion among the parts. 

But even the oj)timist must admit that an oversight 
is being made in educational methods. While we are 
surrounded by new conditions, education continues in 
its ancient rut. Boys and girls in every city and ham- 
let are wasting precious hours conjugating verbs and 
making declensions, while their fathers in the workshop 
are listening to the revolutionary theories of German 
and Russian exiles, whose notions of society are utterly 
incongruous in a republic. It is of ever-growing im- 
portance that education should fortify the mind against 
those crude theories of society which have been fostered 
in the malarias of European despotism. 

But Uncle Sam gets better stuff from Europe than 
the paupers, criminals and anarchists complained of. 
He animally gets hundreds of thousands of brawny im- 
migrants who become honest and thriftful citizens, and 
who, entering his workshops or settling on the western 
lands, are aiding in the formation of the greatest nation 
the world has yet seen. Of the 109,000 cotton opera- 
tives enumerated in the census, only 94,000 are native 
Americans. In the woollen industry the foreign workers 
number 35,000 to 53,000 natives; in iron-works the 
proportion is 52,000 foreigners to 72,000 natives; in 
glass-works, 7000 foreigners to 13,000 natives; in 
carpet-mills, 8000 foreigners to 9000 natives; in screw- 
works, 4G0 foreigners to 990 natives.* 

* These are " protected " industries, and the foreign element 
is thus scon to have a disproportionate share in the alleged bcne- 
tits of the tariff. 



RECIPROCITT OF CRIMINALS. 189 

The immigrants who landed in the United States in 
the year 1883 numbered 788.992; and in tlie five years 
ending 1881 the number exceeded three millions. And 
there are millions more waiting to come. Bismarck says 
the German people have now bnt one desire — money 
enough to carry them to America. It has been esti- 
mated that the cost of rearing and educating a man is 
£300. Accepting this valuation, and also the estimate 
of the immigration commissioners that each immigrant 
brings into the country an average of £20, we find that 
Uncle Sam has here a source of wealth richer than the 
mines of Golconda or Peru. During the last six years 
he has received from Europe a free gift valued at six 
thousand million dollars ! Surely this will content him! 
It is a magnificent set-oif to the few hundred good-for- 
nothings who have been foisted upon him. 



190 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 




CHAPTER XIII. 

usrcLE sam's superiority. 

" I earn that I get, get that I wear; owe no man hate; envy 
no man's happiness; glad of other men's gooil." — As Ton Like It. 

HE title of this chapter recalls a story of 
Sam Echols, traditions of whom still lin- 
ger aroimd his native city, Atlanta. Sam 
. was endowed with great ability, but his 
towering self-conceit exceeded all his 
other natnral gifts. His opinion of him- 
self may be dimly comprehended when 
stated in his own words. One day, Avhen he was read- 
ing law, he laid his book aside, and turning to a fellow- 
student said: ''When I think of the strength and wide 
range of my mental faculties, and the variety and ex- 
tent of my attainments, I stand back and look upon 
myself in utter amazement. So far as I can see, I am 
complete. I can think of nothing that is wanting. I 
would not give a snap of my fmger to add to my present 
stock of knowledge one more fact or one more accom- 
plishment!" When rebuked for his overweening vanity, 
Sam calmly replied that he was not conceited; lie was 
simply conscious of his own phenomenal powers and 
acquirements. Our avuncular relative is similarly un- 
conscious of self-conceit; but he is equally sure of his 
own greatness. 



UNCLE SAM'S SUPERIORITY. 191 

I have frequently asked Americans in what particu- 
lar they considered their country in advance of the rest 
of the world. Invariably the first and only indication, 
named in an off-hand way, has been "Yankee inven- 
tiveness/' Lately there have been several attempts to 
identify national greatness with statistics of bacon and 
flour-barrels. "Republican institutions" is often as- 
signed by those who forget that Rome, with its igno- 
rance of i^ersonal rights, was a republic. France, too, 
with her conscriptions and meddling wars with savages, 
is a republic, though imperialism is dominant in all her 
institutions. And was it not in the American Republic 
that slavery longest survived among civilized nations? 
Not republican institutions, therefore ; though it would 
be bad for America to be without them. The federal 
system of government is without doubt the source and 
promise of all true greatness in America. It is difhcult 
for Europeans to realize this. Indeed few Americans 
fully appreciate its importance. To them it is very like 
the law of gravitation, ever operative, rarely felt. The 
federal principle is a political law of gravitation, keeping 
forty-seven units in mutual contact and interdependence. 
An illustration may help to a conception of its impor- 
tance. 

Imagine all the states of Europe, from Turkey to Den- 
mark, united under a common government, appointed 
by manhood suffrage among the people of every nation. 
Imagine further an independence of these nations in re- 
spect of internal affairs, as complete as that they now 
enjoy. Such are the United States of America. Forty- 
seven States and Territories, so large that the average is 
more than twice the size of Portugal, existing in peace- 
ful union and unanimity of feeling on federal matters. 



192 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

while each in regard to its own affairs is as independent 
as Sweden is of Spain — this is surely the most wonder- 
ful political aggregation the world has ever seen. 

AYithin these forty-seven States and Territories there 
exists perfect freedom of trade. Over distances exceed- 
ing that from Europe through Central Asia to India, the 
products of any State are transported without inspection 
or tariff. Varying in their soil and climate as greatly 
as any portion of Europe differs from the rest, these 
States have all the advantages that would accrue to the 
old world if all fiscal barriers were swept away, along 
with the remnants of feudalism maintained by them. 
The internal commerce of America has called into ex- 
istence 135,000 miles of railway to supplement its vast 
river-ways and lake communications. The amount of 
merchandise passed annually over these railways, fresh- 
water seas and rivers, dwarfs into insignificance the six- 
teen million tons of exchanges which foreign ships effect 
between America and the old world. The freight annu- 
ally carried by rail alone exceeds three hundred million 
tons; and the gross earnings of the railway companies 
amount to one hundred and sixty million sterling. Fully 
seventy-five per cent of this merchandise is for home 
consumption. Then besides this enormous railway 
transportation, coast and river steamers move more than 
double the tonnage of foreign exchanges. 

Commerce is the simple exchange of commodities, and 
so long as these get into the hands of the consumer it 
matters little whether they come from Tartary, Tim- 
buctoo or Maine. It is rather the quantity and quality 
of an article, and not the place of its growth or manu- 
facture, that most concern the person using it; and 
that American consumers have quantity is shown by 



UNCLE SAM'S SUPERIORITY. 193 

the fact thiit the internal commerce of the United States 
divided amongst the population averages seven tons 
per head, against six tons in Britain, although a greater 
proportion of the latter is for export. The merchan- 
dise sent from Xew York to San Francisco is, so far as 
distance can make it foreign, as foreign as that sent from 
Liverpool to Philadelphia; and exchanges between Bal- 
timore and Chicago have as foreign a character as those 
between London and Genoa. America presents, indeed, 
the greatest example of free trade the world has ever 
seen. It is also the most beneficent; for without this 
free trade there could be no Union. In presence of this 
achievement, it is not difficult to believe that Tenny- 
son's ideal may be realized, and that we shall yet attain 
to the ''Parliament of man, the Federation of the 
world" ! If there be perfection in political institutions, 
it is the federal system. Who can limit the capabilities 
of man under such a system — especially if it become 
universal? What increased happiness to humanity, 
what a cessation from drudgery, what a glorious ending 
to class-hatred, would result if by some magician's wand 
Eurojoe could be federalized on the American plan, and 
men's natures simultaneously made fit for the change ! 
That were a Utopia indeed! 

The workers of Europe, besides maintaining prolific 
royalties, aristocracies, and numerous parasites whose sole 
functions are sleep, digestion and procreation, also 
maintain in unproductive labour several millions of sol- 
diers. Add to this incalculable tax, the cost of prepara- 
tion for war, and payments on war debts, and we have 
a faint idea of the burdens under which European in- 
dustry competes with that of America, whose army is one 
tenth smaller than that of the toy-kingdom of Roumanial 
13 



194 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

The struggle for existence has begun afresh. This 
time it is a struggle between large civilized nations, not 
small hordes of savages. Not brutal strength is here the 
test, but ingenuity, intellect, and economical methods 
and institutions. It is a simple question of arithmetic 
as to which will survive, unless the policies of the war- 
like nations of Euroi)e undergo a change. The struggle 
is industrial, not military; and the serried ranks of 
European bayonets and Kru])p guns will avail as little 
against an industrial war as tliey v.'ould against hunger 
or disease. 

This C'onfederation of I'eace is the great sign-manual 
of America's superiority. Her ingenuity in potato- 
peeling machines and the like is as unimportant in this 
light as are the antiquated and useless sword-buttons 
on the lappet of a philosopher's coat, considered as 
adjuncts to his intellectuality. In presence of this great 
verity, which gives to Uncle Sam's face the glow of 
Sinai, dudes, Anglomaniacs, trivial signs of social 
atavism, Journalistic eccentricities, all sink into insigni- 
ficance. As Lowell sings: 

" Tliese arc tlic inouiitaiii-siimmits for our bards, 
Wliicb stn'tcli far upward into heaven il^^elf, 
And jiive such wide spread and exulting view 
Of hojH', and faith, and onward destiny 
Tliat slirunk Parnassus to a molehill dwindles." 

Tlie great fact stands prouiinently forth like Ameri- 
ca's colossus of Liberty enlightening the world, that the 
peoples of many states, united in bonds of peace, are 
working together for the elevation of man into somc- 
tliiug better than a butcher of his fellows, something 
nobler than the cringeing subject of a king, something 



UXCLE SAM'S SUPERIORITY. 195 

greater than the feeding-machine of aristocratic idlers — 
A MAX I Well may humanitarians throw up their hats 
and cry Vive la Eejjublique 1 

But all this in the present year of grace is excessively 
Utopian. We Englishmen have yet to acquire the right 
to live undisturbed by neighbours, before we can disband 
our armies, scuttle our navies, and settle down to the 
propagation of Quaker tenets and free-trade principles. 
So long as our next-door neighbour carries a revolver in 
his belt with the avowed intention of shooting us the 
first time he finds us unarmed, we should be foolhardy 
to go abroad with nothing more formidable than a Bible 
precept or a quotatiou from Longfellow. I am proud to 
believe that the earth would not have been half so de- 
sirable a place to live upon, but for England's contribu- 
tions to our comfort; and 1 further believe that if Eng- 
land were blotted out of existence to-morrow, the world 
of the future would be much the worse for it. On 
purely humanitarian principles, therefore, it is permis- 
sible to advocate the preservation of our beloved little 
island. Let us be sure, therefore, that our navy continue 
the best, and our army the bravest; and let us resist the 
tendency which prevails among some very good people, 
to trot the British lion around 
in a lamb's skin. The much- 
derided song that gave the 
Jingo party its name ex- 
presses a sentiment that most 
Britons feel. ••' We don't 
want to fight;" but we should be unwise to allow the 
rest of the rhyme to lose its truthfulness. 

It is a worthy thing to have high motives: and I am 




196 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

glad that our army and navy have such a plausible justi- 
fication as that of the future welfare of mankind. But 
behind the humanitarian is the Englishman, who, if other 
reasons fail, would see England exist for her own dear 
sake. After living in many lands, I know that I have 
a warm corner of my heart kept sacred to the universal 
brotherhood of man; but the heart itself is English to 
the core, and never yet failed to give a little flutter at 
tne sight of a union-jack. 

We ourselves are talking a great deal of federation 
nowadays — federation of that mighty empire which 
covers a fifth part of the globe, of which the mother- 
country is but one-seventieth portion, and which is at 
least three times larger than the great land of Uncle 
bam. Sixty-five territories and islands in every part of 
the globe, containing an aggregate of nine million square 
miles, and over three hundred million inhabitants — 
such is the British empire, in which that of Eome in 
her palmiest days would be but a province. To form a 
confederation of this! 'twere a consummation devoutly 
to be wished. There are objectors in jilenty. Let them 
enumerate the difficulties to be overcome. For my 
part, I admire the intrepid spirit and broad views of the 
promoters, and wish them Godspeed ! Already among 
the English-speaking peoples of the world there is a 
federation of tliought and sentiment, an alliance of mu- 
tual appreciation, and a community of good-will that 
are ever binding the parts together j^erhaps more firmly 
than legislative bonds could do. As Senator Evarts says: 
'^^ Nothing is provincial anymore and nothing central. 
English people are everywhere surrounding the Avorld 
with their speech, their laws, their literature, their 
affections. Wherever a man speaks English to English 
hearers, he is and speaks at home. " 



UNCLE SAM'S WEAKNESS. 



197 



CHAPTER XIV. 

UNCLE SAM's weakness. 

" No great genius was ever without some mixture of madness." 

Aristotle. 

HILE in the South in the early sum- 
mer of this year, I saw a group of 
negro boys engaged in a suggestive 
sport. They had caught a bullfrog, 
and had fastened fireflies all over 
him. The frog, not understanding 
the new lights that were breaking 
upon him, hopped about in utter 
frenzy; and the more wildly he 
jumped the greater was the delight 
of his tormentors. Many of Uncle Sam's boys are at 
present fastening fireflies to the bullfrog Protection, 
and great are its shifts to escape the illuminations put 
upon it. Let us join the sport for a few minutes. It 
is capital fun to watch the huge reptile dance around 
as the fireflies shed a gentle radiance over his back, re- 
vealing that this at least is not the toad that wears a 
precious jewel in its head. 

To say anything against protection at this time of 
day will seem to many like slaying the dead lion. But 
the lion is not dead : he is oidy old and feeble. So let 
us trot him out, and try to hit him in a new place 
Even if we don't hurt him badlv, we can amuse our- 




,198 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. . 

selves by tweaking his tail as some western senators are 
fond of doing with that of the British lion. 

If we adopt the American workman's estimate of 
himself, we shall have to qualify the ideas we have got 
of his ability from abstracts of Uncle Sam's balance- 
sheet lately published. Instead of being the energetic, 
active workman we have pictured him, he is a poor 
listless fellow, who is devoid of energy and lacks tlie 
enterprise and skill of even the "'pauper labourer" of 
Europe. Thus recast in the native mould, our ideas 
of the American workman are vastly different from what 
they were. Let us look for a moment at this native 
estimate which is to effect such a modification of our 
own. 

The natural Avealth of America has already been 
spoken of in these pages. Its thousands of miles of 
coal, its mountains of iron-ore, its masses of pure cop- 
per, and mammoth veins of gold and silver, its rivers 
of oil and wells of natural gas — all these have been men- 
tioned with some envy, as have also the fertile lands 
which yield corn in an abundance that justifies its use 
as fuel. What an industrial paradise is Pennsylvania ! 
Coal, worth sixteen shillings a ton in England, I have 
seen used as ballast for railroads or thrown into heaps 
as Avorthless. The deepest mine in the coke region is 
only three hundred feet deep ; Avhile the surface of the 
land yields forty bushels of wheat to the acre. Coke of 
the best quality sells for less than six shillings a ton. 
Coal is barely worth transportation — except away from 
the gas belt. At Lebanon, near Harrisburg, there is a 
mountain of iron-ore wdiich requii-es no mining. Cars 
are run to the side of the mountain and the ore is shov- 



UNCLE SAiM'S WEAKNESS. 199 

elled in. Similar mountains are being discovered at 
the head of Lake Superior. Gas-wells dot the country 
in such profusion that half the gas is allowed to run to 
waste, or is consumed in the profitless illumination of 
the night. Oil flows in streams from scores of wells in 
the same district. 

Now look at Europe. England is the leading manu- 
facturing country. Much of her ore is brought from 
Sjiaiu ; her cotton comes from America, Egypt or 
India ; nearly two thirds of her wool consumption — one 
fourth the clip of the world — is imported from Australia 
and South Africa. Of gold and silver she has none ; 
of copper little in comparison with America. Her coal 
is brought up from as great a depth as x'500 feet, and 
is twelve times as costly as that which served Pittsburgh 
as fuel before the discovery of natural gas. She has 
no rock-oil, no natural gas. To these natural disad- 
vantages are added the artificial burdens of army and 
navy and the ever-growing royalties and aristocracies. 
The British workman is not only disadvantaged in his 
material conditions, but also by his feudal limitations. 
Since 1850, dukes, marquises, earls and their relatives 
and friends are estimated to have taken over a hundred 
million sterling from the earnings of the working men 
of England. The labourer's thrift is their profusion. 
Taught by his church catechism from the earliest age 
" to order himself lowly and reverently to all his bet- 
ters ; and to do his duty in that state of life to which it 
shall please God to call him," the British workman 
rarely displays that enterprise and energy, that seeking 
after new and better methods, which are connoted by 
the phrase '• independence of character," and which 
are among the most admirable traits of the American. 



200 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

In the rest of Europe industry is even more cramped 
and injured. Everywhere the man whom Americans 
call " the pauper labourer,*' works with artificial disad- 
vantages superposed on natural ones. When with great 
effort he has delved into the earth for ore and brought 
it to the surface in scanty quantities, some prince or 
lordly parasite pounces upon his gains like an eagle on 
the booty of the fish-hawk. After he has converted the 
residue into iron, another jiounce is made, and his 
labour is seized, perhaps to fashion a musket or a sword. 
Finally the labourer himself is pitchforked into a 
livery, forced to take the musket and kill other work- 
ing men at command. Stated baldlv, these are the in- 
du>trial conditions of America and Europe contrasted. 
If, as the American workman contends, protection is 
absolutely necessary to his sui-vival in this kind of a 
contest, in Heaven's name let him perish as a lazy 
shiftless fellow, who only encumbers the earth and 
ought to give place to any who can do better, be he 
heathen Chinee or "'nigger"! 

As a matter of fact, liowever, the American workman 
is neitlier lazy nor shiftless. His energy and enterprise 
are unlimited. He is a sober and steady workman. 
Mr. Pullman, who has dealt with hundreds of thou- 
sands of workers in his time, says he docs not remem- 
ber to have ever seen a native American workman in a 
state of intoxication. Another large employer with 
whom I am acquainted adds similar testimony. AVitli 
these qualities tlie American workman joins an inde- 
pendent sjiirit which, once infused into the democracies 
of Europe, would promptly ring the knell of royal dy- 
nasties and aristocracies. I have heard it said that 
the American workman asks for bread, with a cigar in 



UNCLE SAM'S WEAKNESS 201 

his mouth. Possibly he does ; I never heard one ask 
for bread, though I can testify to the cigar : it is not a 
good one. But his manliness is such that no royal or 
aristocratic idler would be allowed to feed at the ex- 
pense of his starving family. 

Why then is there any need for protection ? There 
is no need for it. One reason why the protectionists 
are so strong in America is because so many people are 
incapable of comprehending large truths. The ability 
to form large conceptions of space does not necessarily 
include the power of apprehending great truths. The 
fallacy associated with the balance of trade is far be- 
yond the comprehension of millions of people at the 
present day. It is only a hundred years since this fal- 
lacy was universally held to be a self-evident truth. 
Eelatively to economic science, the majority of man- 
kind are still in the middle ages. Another reason is 
that while the agricultural interests are disj)ersed over 
the continent, manufacturing interests are concen- 
trated in rings, combinations and political clubs. Few 
wheat-growers of Minnesota recognize any community 
of interest with the tobacco-planters and cotton-growers 
of the South; but the iron-manufacturers are wise 
enough to recognize a menace to their own monoi^oly in 
an attack on the cotton or woollen industry. 

An old Scotchwoman was once taken by her husband 
to see the wonders of the microscope. When she saw 
animalculse monsters engaged in deadly combat with 
each other, she arose in great trepidation and cried, 
''Come awa', John!" ''Sit still, woman, and see the 
show," said John. "See the show, mon ! What wud 
come o' us if the awfu' like things should brak out o' 
the water ?" Uncle Sam looking at free-trade monsters 



202 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

through a microscope, occasionally starts back affrighted, 
and exclaims with pallid face, " What would come o' us 
if the awfu' like pauper labourer should brak loose 
upon us ?" 

If any one wants to know the exact quality of the in- 
telligence arrayed on the protectionist's side, he should 
write to the American Iron and Steel Association, Phil- 
adelphia, for their pamphlet of stories illustrating the 
evils that will befall the Republic if the joauper labourer 
of Europe is turned loose upon the defenceless Ameri- 
can workman. I have not kept the title of the publica- 
tion, but Mr. Swank will remember it from my descrip- 
tion. 

An American once remarked to me as I watched the 
customs-inspector turn over the contents of my port- 
manteau, " Our great nation doesn't show to advantage 
when it's mussing [i.e., making a mess of] a man's shirt- 
fronts." "That's nothing," I replied, with some show 
of Yankee indifference ; " last Christmas some friends 
in Germany sent me a little book as Weihnachtsgruss ; 
it was stopped in the post-office, opened, assessed at a 
dollar and a half, and taxed ; and I received a notice as 
* importer of books' to call laersonally and pay thirty- 
five cents. So I had to go down-town specially to get 
that book, climb up to the fourth story of the post- 
office, apply for the book, sign for it, and pay for it. 
Then your great nation gave me my property." My 
friend then told a story which was published in the 
New York Times of a German immigrant who landed 
in 1885 with a coat which he had bought in 1879. He 
afterwards lent the coat to his brother for use on a voy- 
age to Europe ; and when he applied to the United 
States Treasury to be allowed to receive back his coat 



UNCLE SAM'S WEAKNESS. 20'] 

without paying duty^ the government officials decided 
that, while the law allowed a man to wear the coat across 
the boundary of the United States, it could not be ad- 
mitted free if sent by itself. So the garment was ap- 
praised, taxed fifty per cent on its value, and after infi- 
nite trouble and the payment of numerous charges, fees 
and dues, the German reacquired his coat. 

I was afterwards witness of a worse example of gov- 
ernmental interference with private rights. At Venice 
last summer I accompanied an American lady to a fur- 
niture shop to buy a large tapestried chair. I bargained 
and paid for it. It cost three hundred francs ; and this 
amount appeared on the receipted bill. The chair was 
consigned to an agent in New York ; and the receipted 
bill was likewise sent to him. While the owner of the 
chair was still in Europe, the custom-house ajopraiser 
had the presumption to raise the valuation of the chair 
to 350 francs, and to add a penalty of sixteen dollars 
for wilful misstatement of its value ! Vainly was it 
pointed out by the agent that the receipt corresponded 
with the shipper's invoice. The chair was taxed on the 
increased amount, and a further sum of sixteen dollars 
exacted as j^enalty. When the owner returned to 
America, she demanded restitution of the unjust fine ; 
and received a reply from the Collector of Customs that, 
as the application had not been made within the period 
prescribed by law, there was no remedy ! 

At the time of the Revolution we read that the 
Americans were a nation of smugglers, and John Han- 
cock was a chief of smugglers. History repeats itself. 
Few Americans today visit Europe without returning 
well laden with dutiable articles. On the hottest 
August days one may see ladies land in seal-skins, and 



204 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

men in top-coats, new clothes, and with their pockets 
full of gloves. And why should we blame them ? The 
whole tariff system is a swindle ; and citizens land- 
ing with their pockets full of European purchases are 
only evading what the common-sense of every one tells 
him is a swindle. If anything can justify evasion of 
the law, it is surely the degrading shifts adopted by 
Congress to get rid of the surplus without touching the 
tariff. The tariff' makes prices so high, that it is a 
common saying in America that one can save the cost of 
the passage to and from Europe by buying a few suits of 
clothes or a Eedfern gown while there. And not only 
do they save on cost : the clothes in Europe are of 
better quality. There is a dut}"" of forty-six per cent on 
raw wool. The cli]? of the United States reaches three 
hundred and twenty million pounds, but the people 
could consume double tliat quantity. The result is that 
much cotton is mixed with the wool, and the resulting 
cloth is of inferior quality. 

I have heard it said that free-traders have all the ar- 
guments, and protectionists most of the facts. Yes; 
but Avhat sort of facts ? Here is a protectionist fact, 
vouched for by no less an authority than Mr. liowlani 
Hazard of Rhode Island : In the United States from 
1867 to 187 r, while the duty on wool was at its maxi- 
mum (45 to 55 per cent), the number of sheep fell 
from 30,385.380 [Mulhall says 42,300,000] to 35,804,- 
200. During the next four years, 1877-81, under a 
lower tariff the number rose to 45,010,224. And for 
whom was this industry " protected"? The mass of the 
poor who paid an augmented price for their clothes? 
By no means. The persons benefited were the rich 
squatters of the West who own vast flocks of sheep. A 



TINGLE SAM'S WEAKNESS. 205 

single squatter <it Albuquerque, New Mexico, had 
500,000 sheej) — oue seventieth of the whole ! Protec- 
tion, is it ? Well may the American poet exclaim : 



" Let us speak plain : there is more force in names 
Than most men dream of ; and a lie may keep 
Its throne a whole age longer, if it skulk 
Behind the form of some fair seeming name." 



One may say of the protectionist's ''^fact" as a friend 
of mine says of a lawyer, that it is like an old gun, apt 
to go off at the wrong end. In the same parlance, we 
may add that protection itself has a strong recoil; and 
hurts the shoulder of him who fires it. Here is one way 
in which the recoil hurts Uncle Sam: American expoj'ts 
to Europe, consisting mainly of bread^tuffs, cotton and 
beef, have to pay an augmented freight often amount- 
ing to a hundred per cent, because ships must return to 
America either wholly or partially in ballast. Unless, 
therefore, an article wull bear an artificially raised rate 
of carriage, it cannot be exported. The cost of navigat- 
ing an empty or only partially-laden shijD across the 
Atlantic is the amount of what is really an export duty 
paid by every cargo of American produce sent to Eu- 
rope. It is also the amount of what is practically a 
bounty paid by Europe to India, Egypt and Australia 
on cotton, wheat and beef exported by them — a bounty 
which is rapidly raising up strong rivals to Uncle Sam 
in the provision markets of Europe. Can this be a 
factor in the decrease of cotton exports from 250 mil- 
lion dollars to 214: million during the last five years; of 
the decrease of exports of breadstuffs from 260 million 
to 125 million; of the decrease of exports of meat and 



206 UNCLE SAM A T HOME. 

provisions from 130 million to 90 million in the same 
period? The total exports of agricultural products 
have fallen from 730 million dollars in 1881 to 484 
million dollars in 1886. This, meseems, is a rather 
hurtful recoil; and it strikes the most numerous of 
Uncle Sam^s workers — the agriculturists, who are really 
three to one comj^ared with the manufacturers. And 
while the exports of agricultural jiroduce, thus reduced, 
amount to between four and five hundred million 
dollars a year, there is not a manufactured article ex- 
cept uncoloured cotton cloths (nine million), oil-cake 
(seven million) and refined sugar (eleven million) ex- 
ported to the amount of five million dollars! These 
are facts — protectionist facts! 

Only one workman in twenty, or five per cent of the 
labouring population of the United States, is engaged in 
protected industries; yet, according to Sir Lyon Play- 
fair, in the last twenty-one years the people of America 
have paid two hundred and forty million sterling in the 
extra prices of home products. That two hundred and 
forty millionaire manufacturers have been produced is 
a questionable gain to the mass of the people. 

A comparison has been made in this chapter between 
the conditions under which industry in Europe is com- 
peting with industry in America. With this com- 
parison in mind, let us look at another fact or two. 
The protection accorded to the cotton-manufacturer 
amounts to over forty per cent; yet, the pauper labourer 
contrives to send back to the land of cotton-plantations 
and the birth-place of the cotton-gin thirty million 
dollars' worth of cotton manufactures per annum. In 
spite of the duty of thirty-five per cent, iron and steel 
manufactures to the amount of thirty-four million dollars 



UNCLE SAM'S WEAKNESS. 207 

are every year sent across the Atlantic to the land of 
iron mountains and natural gas. Silk manufactures 
protected by an ad valorem duty of nearly fifty per cent 
cannot comjDete with Europe; and nearly thirty million 
dollars' worth are imported. Sugar pays seventy-three 
per cent; and yet the amount imported is enough to 
give to every man, woman and child in the Republic 
about forty-three pounds of foreign sugar every year. 
And what about the woollen industry, which is protected 
by a duty of sixty per cent? No less than forty-five 
million dollars' worth of wool and woollen g')ods are im- 
ported every year. Plate glass j^aying the outrageous 
duty of 148.80 per cent is imported to the amount of 
half a million dollars a year! How are these for pro- 
tectionist's facts — especially when taken in connection 
with that other fact that, with only two or three ex- 
ceptions, not an American manufacture is exported to 
the value of a million sterling! 

All this seems very anomalous, but it is easily ex- 
plained. Let the explanation be in the words of Mr. 
Joseph Chamberlain, M.P., who, during his business 
career, was a manufacturer of screws. As reported in 
the London Standard, Mr. Chamberlain said: 

" At that time the Americans put a duty of 100 per cent oa 
screws, and in spite of tliat bis firm sent these articles to America 
in large quantities. The result was that the American manufac- 
turers came over here and said: ' We are makinp,- 100 per cent on 
capital; if you continue to send screws to America we shall, of 
course, be obliged to reduce our prices. That will shut you out, 
but it will reduce our profits, which will not be good for either of 
us. Let us, therefore, make a bargain; we will pay you so much 
a year to sit still and not send a screw to America.' Well, tbey 
did it, and his firm received a handsome income for years from 
the American manufacturers, protected, as they were, by the folly 



208 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

anc stupidity of protectionist legislation, to sit still, and not send 
screws to America." 

Ihe last census stated that the screw-makers of the 
United States numbered 1361; of these, onh^ 990 were 
native Americans. Admitting all that jDrotectionists 
claim, it seems a high jirice that is paid for the "protec- 
tion" of these 990 men. A barbe de Jol on apprend a 
reiser ! 

Facts! why, facts bristle all around us. They start 
up like the followers of Roderick Dhu from every bush 
and stone. The protectionist who calls for facts is like 
Cadmus sowing his dragon's teeth; but the crop of 
armed men is doubly and trebly iron-clad, so that they 
cannot even destroy themselves. 

Here is a fact for the protectionists at home: wages 
in free-trade England are from thirty to sixty per cent 
higher than in protected France and Germany; yet 
EnglisK manufactures in immense quantities go all over 
these countries. 

The periodical depressions and the panics which are 
so destructive of credit in America are mainly due to 
protection. An unnatural competition is set u}) amongst 
manufacturers which results in great over-production. 
Then come failures, and large stocks of goods are forced 
on the markets, reducing prices and causing more 
failures. Production then stops for a time, the public 
meanwhile getting cheap supplies and absorbing the 
surplus. The small capitalists having been ruined and 
forced out of competition, all goes well again for a time. 
There comes a "boom;" capital circulates, competition 
grows active; and soon the usual results of over-pro- 
duction ensue. And so in unvarying round — boom, 
depression, panic; panic, depres^Nion, boom. 



UNCLE SAM'S WEAKNESS. 209 

There is an amazing amount of buncombe talked by 
politicians on this subject. In the presidential cam- 
paign of 1884 the Republican party tried to make the 
tarilf question the issue of the contest; and it was 
asserted that the ever-increasing agitation- for tariff re- 
form had been brought about by English emissaries. 
This indeed became one of the rallying cries; and in the 
Eepnblican processions banners announced that " Brit- 
ish gold won't wash in this crowd"! The democrats 
were forced to try to checkmate the movement, and for 
a time their paraders marched in time to the cry, "■ No — 
no — no free trade V It is always a safe piece of buncombe 
for a iiolitical candidate to denounce " British emis- 
saries" who come to advocate free trade and the ruin 
of the helpless American workman! 

It has been said that England ought not to complain: 
for America buys more of her than of any other nation. 
Granted: but she does not buy of us for love! If she 
could get what she wanted in other markets, she would do 
so. But here arises the inevitable tu quoque. England 
buys of America more than double what she sells to her: 
she buys 350 million dollars' worth, while France and 
Germany combined only buy 100 million dollars' worth. 
Indeed England is a better customer of Uncle 8am — I 
might say Farmer Sam — than the rest of the world 
put together. And be it remarked, in answer to our 
alleged ingratitude, that England is the only great nation 
from whom Uncle Sam does not buy more than he sells. 
If he were to "reciprocate" with us as he does with 
France or Germany, instead of bu3ang 154 million dol- 
lars' worth of our products as he now does, he would 
have to buy from 400 millions to 450 millions' worth. 
Of course he buys from our colonies and India; but 
14 



210 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



he manages to sell enough to them to make a fair 
balance. 

''What things are dutiable?" I heard a European 
passenger ask as he made the usual declaration before 
the customs officer. ''Everything," was the reply. 
And "that is so." From his cradle to his grave the 
American is paying duties. As a baby he is swathed 
in taxed muslin. His little nose is wiped with a taxed 
handkerchief. His porridge is made from corn grown 

_ under the stimulus 



of taxed fertilizers, 
and he eats it with 
a taxed spoon out 
of a taxed feeding- 
cup. The wheels 
of his bab3'-carriage 
are tired with hoops 
that have paid a 
duty of 2t cents a 
pound. When he 
escapes from the taxed apron -string of his nurse, and 
finds shelter in the tax-supported school, his boots, his 
satchel, his clothes, his books, have all contributed their 
quota to the embarrassing surplus, or else helped to 
build up some mammoth fortune for a protected capi- 
talist. The buttons on his trowsers and the bristles in 
his tooth-brush can be found in the tariff list. He is 
lulled to sleep with opiates that have paid a dollar a 
pound; and wakened by clocks that tick to the tune of 
twenty-five and thirty per cent. His toys are placed un- 
der an embargo of thirty-five per cent, and the fire- 
cracker with which he celebrates the Glorious Fourth costs 
him one hundred per cent beyond its value. The plums 




UNCLE SAM'S WEAKNESS. 211 

and prunes in his pudding have paid one per cent a 
pound to the Treasury; and if he is luxurious enough 
for raisins he pays two cents a pound. If he has a taste 
for shelled almonds he must pay seven and a half cents 
a pound duty, though — subtle discrimination worthy of 
legislators I — he may buy vnshelled almonds by paying 
only five cents for the privilege. As he merges into 
adolescence, the American pays twenty-five per cent tax 
on his jewellery and fifty per cent on his gloves. The 
letter-paper and the lace handkerchief which he sends to 
his lady-love bear a similar relation to the national ex- 
chequer. His tobacco is taxed, and even free soap is 
denied him. "Well may his hair turn gray before he 
is thirty! AVell may he be gaunt and careworn, giving 
outsiders the idea that he has not enough to eat I 

Of course under such a system of government coddling 
on the one hand and government interference on the 
other, there is nothing incongruous in a petition like the 
following from an '• infant industry." According to the 
Leavenworth (Kansas) Standard it was sent by the boot- 
blacks of Leavenworth to the Mayor and Council: 

"We, the uu'lersigiied bootblacks, who by our industry sup*- 
port ourselves and contribute to the support of the families of our 
parents, respectfully request your honorable body to levy a li- 
ceuse tax on bootblacks of $'3 per annum, thusly protecting us in 
our endeavors to obtain an honest living, and stop the encroach- 
ment of the Chinese bootblacks, who are reducing the price below 
five cents a shine. We believe that the imposition of this tax ex- 
emplifies the principles of protection to American industry. It 
would protect us in our honest labor. Tour favorable considera- 
tion of our position would forever tie us to a government of the 
people. " 

The last sentence has an ironical ring. The sight of 
a crowd of '•' protected " bootblacks tied to the govern- 



212 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 




ment-to tlie grandmotherly apron-string, so ro speak — 

would be an inspir- 
ing sight to a patri- 
ot of the political- 
boss stamp. And 
the queue might 
acquire that ele- 
ment of variety 
which always lends 
a grace to the pic- 
turesque, if the 
apron- string were 
passed on to the 
washerwomen who 
protested to the 

President against the Treasury towels being sent to the 

Chinese laundry! 

A century ago the commerce of the world seemed to 
be passing under the star-spangled banner. In twenty 
years American shipping increased fivefold; and by 
1820 "the Yankee clippers" had gained such reputa- 
tion that Grantham says people used to go to Liverpool 
to see them. In 182G, when the decadence began, 93 "5 
per cent of the foreign carrying trade of the United 
States was done by American vessels. Yet in sixty years, 
by the operation of laws fitted to the time of Henry the 
Eighth, " we have reduced ourselves," says Mr. Edward 
Atkinson, ''from the position of a dreaded maritime 
people to a position of comparative insignificance upon 
the sea. At the end of a century of vigorous life and 
effort we remain but a province, unable to keep our own 
flag at the mast-head of any fleet of modern vessels. ^^ 



UNCLE SAM'S WEAKNESS. 213 

Only tliirty years ago three fourths of the carrying 
trade of America was on native bottom. Now little 
more than one seventh is so carried. Of the nine and a 
quarter million tons increase in the American foreign 
trade, Great Britain has managed to secure nearly six 
million tons. Of every eleven steam-vessels carrying 
grain from IS'ew York in 1883, seven displayed the 
Union Jack, but none the Stars and Stripes. Of every 
eighty-three sailing-vessels laden with grain Avhich left 
the same harbour, only one was American. In 1856 the 
tonnage of American vessels entered from foreign ports 
constituted 75 per cent of the total tonnage. 
In 1808 it had fallen to 35 per cent; in 1883 to 
15 '5 per cent, and it remains this year about the same! 
Yet we read in AV/f.s' Regisler for 1830: ''Xo interest 
in the United States has been so severely protected as 
the shipping. The ' American system ' fully commenced 
with it in 1789, by discriminatory duties on imports 
and tonnage. On a vessel of 200 tons, laden with 150 
hhds. of sugar, for example, the protection amounted to 
more than seven hundred dollars, enough to jDay the 
zvlinle wages incident to a West India voyage!" 

These are protectionist facts, not free-trade argu- 
ments. To protect the iron, timber and other interests, 
the tariff raised the price of all ship-building material. 
Then, to foster a native seafaring population, other re- 
strictive acts were passed, obliging American ship-own- 
ers to engage crews in America, where labour is thirty to 
fifty per cent dearer than in Europe. Thus the prime 
cost of a ship was artificially raised; then the cost of 
navigating it was unnaturally increased. Such a ship, 
of course, could not compete with those of England, 
which cost only half as much to build and navigate; 



214 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



and the last American line of steamers to Europe passed 
under the Union Jack about two years ago. So died 
the American foreign carrying trade ! 

Despite all this muddle, 
the result of government 
meddle, we occasionally 
hear a heart-rending ap- 
peal to the Political Fetish 
for relief. It is almost 
incredible that in pres- 
ence of these destruct- 
ive effects of government- 
al interference with com- 
merce, men still bow 
down before their Jugger- 



Here lies 

jy\mencar\r<'r'ei|K 

Sn-\olKered > 
!o de&lK • 

|TVo^c1ive£«lsl^iAQ 



_ naut! Here is an exam- 
'"- pie from a newspaper: 

" Shall England build our vessels and carry our commerce 
while our business languishes, our mines are darkened, our fur- 
naces are cold, our mills idle and our workmen crying for bread? 
No. no! Let us make our own iron and steel, build and man our 
own ships, and strive to regain a commanding position in the 
ocean commerce of the world, for soon the United States will be 
able to export iron and steel to all the nations of the earth. Then 
we shall need a national merchant-marine to float our metals to 
the ocean markets of the world. Let the people cry from Maine 
to the Golden Gate for this national industrial necessity— the im- 
provement of our merchant-marine by the help of the govern- 
ment." 

Why, the government has been helping it all the time 
— has helped it out of existence! Truly, compared with 
this Political Superstition, the Voodooism of Southern 
negroes is positive philosophy, and' the credulity of a 
Neapolitan woman godlike reason. 



STAB-SPANOLED BRITONS. 



215 



CHAPTER XV. 



STAR-SPANGLED BRITONS — AND SOME OTHERS. 



For he himself has said it, 
And it's greatly to his credit 
That he is an Englishman!" 



Modern Classic. 



'HE Englishman 
abroad is prover- 
bially a grumbler. 
Even at home fault- 
findiug is his habitual hu- 
mour. Petty annoyances 
which otlier people are 
prone to pass over in si- 
lence, incite him to anger 
and letters to the press. 
Americans gauge everything by the question, " Does 
it pay?" and rarely think it worth the worry and vexa- 
tion to resist trifling aggressions. Thus Englishmen in 
America do not show to advantage. They have more to 
grumble about than at home; and they exercise their 
prerogative regardless of the bad impression which 
their avowed discontent may make. To this hypercriti- 
cal attitude must be ascribed much of that discour- 
tesy which Americans think of as British ingratitude. 
Everywhere in the United States one hears of English- 




216 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

men who, while enjoying the hospitahty of the country, 
did nothing but complain. Perhaps the offender supple- 
mented his ill-grace by publishing the adverse opinions 
formed during a brief visit, emphasizing the things 
which displeased him, while lacking in due apprecia- 
tion of the good things he found. I have before me 
the published comments of " a disillusioned Britisher,'^ 
who spent a few weeks in what he calls a corner of the 
country. He travelled from Montreal to Baltimore! 
An American who had the temerity to pen an ill-natured 
attack on the British Empire after Journeying from 
London to Canterbury would be rightly written down 
an ass, even by his own countrymen. This disillusioned 
Britisher betrays his animus when he tells us that for a 
whole hour he travelled watch in hand, counting the 
times the door of the railway-car was left open. And 
would you believe it, he got up to shut the door one hun- 
dred and tvjenty-six times in the hour — more than 
twice a minute! Heroic Briton! What sufferings were 
thine! And the glory of it! But is this the stuff that 
makes our race great, or is it that whicli makes our 
greatness little? If this disillusioned Britisher had 
travelled further, he might have learnt that the term 
Britisher is rarely heard in America; and that " the 
variety of railway gauges" does not as he alleges 
"^necessitate constant changes of carriages,'^ since there 
are about one hundred thousand miles of track of uni- 
form gauge. There are more things he would have 
learnt had he stayed a few days longer. He might have 
acquired some of that good-nature which permits 
Americans to regard with equanimity even such gross 
misrepresentations of tlicir country as his ungracious 
report. 



STAR-8PAN0LED BRITONS. 217 

It is no libel on one's own countrymen to say that 
when abroad they are very eccentric. It is without 
doubt a high distinction to be an Englishman — to feel 
that the awe-struck foreigner is enviously tliinking of 
the glorious inheritance which has descended to his 
grotesquely-attired person. But the grand traditions of 
the race, the "glory of the empire/'' the dignity of the 
Mother of Nations, are not enhanced by a swagger that 
would provoke the derision of a street urchin if dis- 
played in the Strand. " You take up a great deal of 
room," was the remonstrance of an American to a 
blustering Briton at a railway station. "I am accus- 
tomed to take up a great deal of room in my own 
country," was the reply. " There can't be much room 
left for others, then," smiled the Yankee. Sometimes, 
however, we go to the opposite extreme ; as instance the 
English lecturer — a man of high position at home^ 
who, having received an encouraging reply to his query, 
"How much flattery can the Americans stand?" pro- 
ceeded forthwith to disgust his friends and amuse his 
audiences by insincere and servile adulation. I lately 
saw a letter which this gentleman had written to a 
newspaper, saying he had married an American lady 
and that he was about to become a naturalized citizen! 
To become a renegade is a queer way of flattering a 
patriotic people. 

Shrewdness, which is so marked a characteristic of 
Americans, does not desert its possessor in presence of a 
flatterer. When Archdeacon Farrar, at the Westminster 
Abbey services, closed his eloquent tribute to General 
Grant with a eulogy of the American people, a trans- 
atlantic cousin was heard to say: " I'll lay odds he's 



218 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

reckoning on a lecturing tour on the other side." And 
the guess turned out correct. 

The peripatetic Briton who has visited America has 
left there innumerable stories of lost A's. In a serial 
which appeared in LipplncotVs Magazine, an earl is 
said to have delivered himself of the following: "■ It 
wasn't the 'unting that 'urt the 'orses, but the 'ammer, 
'ammer, 'ammer on the 'ard 'ighroad!" This was pos- 
sibly the gentleman I heard about at Montreal. A 
clerk at the Windsor Hotel there saw an Englishman 
opening doors on the hall floor in apparent search of 
something. " What are you looking for?" he asked. 
*' I want an 'oister/' said the son of Albjon. '• An 
oyster! You'll find jilenty in the dining-room." '* No, 
no/' said the traveller with an impatient gesture; *• I 
want to go upstairs by the 'oister." *' Oh, you want 
the elevator?" "Yes, the helevator!" 

There is more reason for the American belief that 
every Englishman dro2)s his //'s, than there is in the 
British tradition that all Americans speak through the 
nose, and use '^ tarnation" for an emi^hasis. The Eng- 
lish of Americans is quite as good as that spoken at 
home; and the local differences are not nearly so great. 
The dialect of Lancashire, for example, has no parallel 
in America. Amongst the cultured, great attention 
is paid to purity of speech, and though the accent is 
strange to English ears and the intonation monotonous, 
the grammar is generally faultless — if one except the 
very common solecism "it don't." Apropos of in- 
tonation, an American lady once told me she used to 
think that the English people she met displayed much 
affectation in their speech; and when she went to Eng- 
land she thought she had come to a nation of actors 



STAR-SPANGLED BRITONS. 219 

and actresses. And here we get the most important 
difference between our speech and the Americans': it is 
rather a difference of intonation than of language. To 
Americans the modulations of our voice are varied and 
musical; and I have frequently heard expressions of 
admiration when they have heard a soft-voiced English- 
woman. If Angloraaniacs were not so absurd in other 
resj)ects, it would be a beneficial change if their imita- 
tion of the English voice could become common. 

English writers on American affairs are rarely in 
favour on the other side, partly because of their igno- 
rance of American subjects, partly because they are often 
unfair. They are unfair from prejudice, and their 
ignorance is sometimes due to the same cause, though 
occasionally one falls into blunders because things change 
so quickly in America. There is one English review 
that causes much mirth, and occasionally a little anger, 
by its mistakes. " Many of its accounts of what has 
happened or is going to happen," says a New York 
journalist, '• are based, like General Choke's mode of 
proving that the Queen lives in the Tower of London, 
on notions of what ought naturally to happen." That 
there is ground for the American's assertion seems 
probable when we remember that a man of Mr. Matthew 
Arnold's standing ventured to write a little work, as he 
says, "on what I thought civilization in the United 
States might probabl// be like."' A similar explanation 
might account for the curious fancies of a writer who 
lately discovered that "Aristocracy is not only legal in 
the United States, but it has been deliberately estab- 
lished in the constitution." Accoi'ding to this gentle- 
man, who announced his discovery in the Xinetcenth 
Centurij Review, the antagonism between the Com- 



220 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

mons and the Lords in EngLand is paralleled by a 
contest between the American Senate and the House 
of Representatives, the former body constituting a 
menace to democracy as great as the hereditary English 
chamber. This is extremely funny. The writer can 
hardly be an American, though be dates from Chicago. 
If he is, he is probably indulging in that form of Yankee 
humour of which Englishmen rarely see the point. 

One hears a great deal in England about the injustices 
authors suffer through the absence of an international 
copyright law with America. But American authors 
suffer from English pirates, too, though one hears little 
of this form of criminal reciprocity. Indeed our own 
countrymen are the greatest offenders. Like King 
John, they set fire to the house they rob! What I mean 
will be seen from the following statement by the author 
of "Ben Hur" — General Lew Wallace, late U. S. minis- 
ter to Turkey: 

"I fouud on reaching London about ten months ago," sakl 
General Wallace, "that my novel of ' Ben Ilur ' was advertised 
by Messrs. F. Warne & Co. as from their presses. They also ad- 
verlise themselves as agents of The Vcntury Company of this city, 
and I find b}' looking at the magazine that they are so recognized 
by the publishers here. Of course I knew 1 had no legal rights 
in England, but I was naturally curious to know something of the 
style in which tlie book was re))i'oduced in England, the character 
of the house priating it and something about the success which it 
had met with abroad. So I called at their place and asked a 
clerk if he had a novel called ' Ben Hur.' He handed me a copy, 
price two shillings, and I paid him for it. I asked several ques- 
tions which led naturally to the inquiry as to what sale the Eng- 
lish edition had met with. The clerk told me that they had sold 
2000 cojiies in the past fortnight, a thousand a week. That was 
flattering, and I told him I Avas glad to hear it as I was the au- 
thor. 'Indeed!' he exclaimed; and at the same moment he 
reached out and took back the volume he had sold me. He then 



STAR-SPANGLED BPdTONS. 221 

asked me if I ■would not remain where I was for a moment. He 
disappeared and returned in a moment without my book, but with 
a request that I would see the principals of the house. I was very- 
glad to do so, and going into the private ofHce I met two gentle- 
men who were introduced to me as members of Ihe firm. My 
bought copy of my stolen book lay on the table, and I took it up 
in the course of the conversation which followed and glanced at 
it occasionally as we talked. At first the conversation was pleas- 
ant enough, but glancing at the title-page I found that the sul)tille 
had been changed from ' A Tale of the Christ ' to ' The Days of 
Christ.' That was annoying, and I asked who had authorized the 
change. The rep'y was that the publishers had done it to avoid 
hurting the sensibilities of religious readers in England. In other 
words, they had appropriated my property and had changed it to 
suit their own views of what its language and tone should be. 
' Have you made any other of these unauthorized changes ? ' I 
asked. 'Well, we have omitted two of ihe tales told hy one of 
the characters,' answered the speaker of the firm. You can im- 
agine I was getting warmed up by this time and I spoke rather 
strongly. But the next discovery enraged me beyond measure. 
They had actually written up and inserted a preface to the novel. 
No, not a publisher's preface. It was without signature of any 
sort, and to the ordinary reader must have read as if by the author. 
I had wilt ten no preface whatever. I demanded to know of them 
what they proposed to ilo in the way of remunerating me for tak- 
ing and for altering my book. They promised to give the matter 
due consideration. That was ten months ago, and I have never 
heard from them. I suppose they are taking plenty of time for 
what they cad 'due consideration.' The house is not a very im- 
portant one outside of the fact that they are London agents of a 
reputable American company." 

This is bttt a mild sort of criminality compared with 
some other cases known to me. A friend of mine wrote 
a book of reference for children, which had a large sale 
in America. Presently it appeared in England, "'edited 
by the Reverend Sir George W. Cox, Bart., MA./' but 
without any mention of the author. The "■ editing" 



222 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



consisted in adding an article on an abstruse subject in 
technical phraseology, and ■wholly unfit for children. 
Later the plates passed into the liands of another pub- 
lisher, who brought out a new edition. This time it 
was not even "edited" by the Reverend Sir George W. 
Cox, Bart., M.A. : it was by hinil An American novel 
was not long since adapted to English readers by the 
substitution of the Queen for the President, and of the 
Thames for the Connecticut! There is a thoroughness 
about everything we English do! 

Americans often return from Europe surprised and 
chagi'ined at the ignorance of Englishmen concerning 
things American. On one occasion when I crossed there 
was a young fellow on board who had been an auction- 
eer's clerk in London, and was going to settle in Minne- 
sota. He was of average intelligence: but he was in- 
duced by some Americans to get out his gun before 
reaching Sandy Hook, that he might have a shot at the 
buffaloes which he was told would be seen browsing on 
the seaweed of Brighton Beach. And a 
young woman going out on the same 
steamer to be married, declared that she 
would not speak to her lover if he came 
to meet her at the barge otfice dressed, as 
she was told all Brooklynites dress at home, 
in red flannel shirt, and slouch hat, trow- 
sers tucked into top-boots, and pistols 
showing prominently at the belt. At this 
game of gulling the Englishman some- 
times gets even with his tormentor. It 
is not long since a Yankee victim was 
lieard of inquiring the way to Abraliam's Bosom, to 
which an Englishman had recommended him as the 




A Brooklvnite : 



STAB-SFAXGLEB BBITOXS. 223 

best club in London. Poor Harriet Martiueau had 
many a hoax poured into her ear-trumpet, and some of 
them came out again in her book about America. And 
I fancy Henry Irving must have been victimized during 
his first trip. He wrote in the Fortniyhtly Jievieic : 

'•In matter of duration [of theatrical performances], the audi- 
ence is not to be triJed v^rith or imposed on. I have heard of a 
case in a city of Colorado where the manager of a travelling com- 
pany, on the last night of an engagement, in order to catch a 
through train, hiimcd the ordinary performance of his play into 
an hour and a half. When next the company were coming to the 
city they were met en route, some fifty miles out, by the sheriff, 
who warne<:l them to pass on by some other way, as their coming 
was awaited by a large section of the able bodied male population 
armed with shot gun?. The comp.iny did not, I am informed, on 
that occasion visit the city. ' 

Every autumn brings its crop of stories of English- 
men's insatiable appetite for ••gammon," exaggerated 
of course into that rhodomontade which is so important 
an element of American humour, but having, in many 
instances, a kernel of fact. It is not many years since 
an English novelist described a buffalo-hunt near Boston: 
and an English encyclopedia published not very long ago, 
had no knowledge of America's mineral deposits. Some 
years ago a young journalist with ambitions above his 
fellows, asked me to recommend him a special sub- 
ject of study which was little known in England. I 
named ••America;*" and I was gratified that my advice 
was followed. He made a prolonged totir in America, 
and now in England he is making a successful 
career as a thoughtful and accurate writer on transatlan- 
tic affairs. It was he, by the way, who advised the im- 
migrant who aspired to wealth to take up with a quack 
medicine until he had been long enousrh in the cotintrv 



224 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



to make politics his profession. Tliis happy conjnnc< 
tion of two very striking aspects of American life, 
proves the efficiency of his studies of men and things in 
the Republic! 

English mistakes about America are made the more 
absurd by the fact that our cousins are almost as famil- 
iar with England as are its inhabitants. Newspapers 
devote nearly as much space to British public affairs as 
to their own. Most educated Americans have travelled 
in Europe; and everybody is familiar with recent Eng- 
lish literature. The most popular j)lays are English, 
and many actors and actresses have been educated with 
us. But we are still dominated by the insular spirit — 
the patriotic bias, as sociologists call it. It is said that 
people born in Beacon Street, Boston, are regenerate 
in the next world without being born again. At the bot- 
tom of the Briton's heart, there is some such faith in the 
saving grace of his own nationality. That is why we 
are always giving ''points" to the nations — charging 

them a good round 
fee for the advice if 
accepted, and bom- 
barding their cities 
or making naval dem- 
onstrations against 
them if rejected. I 
see that certain 
school-boards in Eng- 
land are now feeding 
children as well as 
paying their school- 
fees. The next 
thin"- will be to send 



.<#^o\ 




STAB-SPANaLED BRITONS. 225 

them on foreign travels, thus utilizing the navy, and 
rubbing off that accumulation of hereditary conceit 
which causes the children of Albion to think, like the 
children of Israel, that the universe was created especially 
for their benefit, and that all Cosmos revolves round 
their little speck of earth. 

The provincial spirit is found a fortiori in some 
Scotchmen. I have seen a letter from the editor of a 
Scottish paper published in New York, blaming a 
Scotchman for speaking of the inhabitants of Greiit 
Britain as Englishmen: he wanted them called Britons, 
forgetful that the population of Scotland is little greater 
than that of Lancashire, and not so great as that of 
London. 

The Scotchman is a power in America. He is found 
everywhere — except in politics, which he leaves to his 
brother Celt from Ireland. Wherever found Sandy is 
usually at the head of things. It is predicted that he 
will be found at the top of the north pole when that is 
discovered. He is certainly at the top of the north pole 
of many a great manufacturing concern in America. 

It does not take long to make a good American out of 
a Scotchman — if he is caught young. Dearly as he 
loves the land of brown heath and shaggy wood, he 
rarely wants to return to it. Dr. Johnson said that the 
prettiest sight in all Scotland was the road out of it. 
At the Burns dinner in New York, I heard many vari- 
ations of this sentiment mixed with fervent love of the 
old country. One canny speaker referred to the tradition 
of the Scotchman's private ark at the Deluge, and hoped 
that his hearers had long since burnt this ark so that 
they could not get back to their beloved land — unless it 
be, said he, to mak' a visit. Our countrymen from 
15 



226 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

'^ayont the Tweed" have made a splendid record in 
America. They have furnished much of the stuff that 
has made America great. Look at the array of Scotch 
names prominent in mercantile and financial circles of 
New York: Mackay, Morton, Murray, Mills, Grant, 
Stuart, Kennedy, Carnegie, Paton, Irvin, Henderson, 
Donald, Cameron, Ferguson, ]\Iacdonald, Reid, King, 
Maitland, Wallace, and a score of others. And all over 
the country similar lists could be found. 

The predominance of English names in America is 
striking to one who has been impressed by the statistics 
of German and Scandinavian immigration. In a group 
of a score of native Americans, I counted the other day 
eighteen of distinct British origin; and one of the others 
was probably English. A book before me consisting of 
papers by seventeen writers — Harper's Fin<f Century of 
tlie BepuUic — does not contain a name that is positively 
un-English. Lists of Congressmen and Senators show a 
like preponderance; and there is hardly an honoured 
name in American history that is not English. The 
rotunda at Washington is full of statues of great Ameri- 
cans, every one of British stock. All the jDresidents and 
vice-presidents have been English — except perhaps Van 
Buren, and his first name was Martin. The long list 
of past judges of the Supreme Court contains but one 
foreign name. Mr. Bancroft estimates that during the 
first fifteen years of colonization, 21,200 persons, or 
4000 families, arrived in New England. In 1840 the 
descendants of these, he estimates, amounted to four 
million — nearly one fourth of the whole poi^ulation. 
Continuing the calculation, there would be at least 
eight million descendants of the earliest Puritan emi- 
gi'ants in 1870, and twelve million in 1885. Thus one 



STAR-SPAXGLED BRITOXS. 227 

person in every five in America is probably descended 
from the English who migrated to Xew England dur- 
ing the first fifteen years of colonization. This ratio 
would be greatly increased if we could estimate the 
numbers descended from the later colonists. Ger- 
man and other alien immigration is only of recent 
origin: and even now British immigrants are the 
most numerous. "With few exceptions, relatively to 
their numbers, the American people are of pure Eng- 
lish ancestry. They are in fact but star-spangled Brit- 
ons. The exceptions are easily discovered. Even they, 
however, have been anglicized. German surnames have 
often English prefixes; and in many instances the name 
is translated. A German translator once said he had 
" overset" (iibersetzt) the English. Many foreign names 
have been so overset, that their original form is no 
longer recognizable. Xot in name only, but in nature, 
does the foreign element quickly become anglicized. 
The English language, literature and history are the 
joint heritage of the children of German immigrants 
and the descendants of the Puritans: and under their 
influence and that of the common school, the plastic 
youthful mind is soon moulded into harmony with its 
English environment. 

"When America broke away from the mot her -country 
and started out for itself, its political 
loyalty was destroyed; but there has ^^^^^ 
survived a higher sentiment — a loyalty 
to race traditions. As Englishmen at 
home are proud of the achievements of 
Englishmen beyond sea, so our trans- 
atlantic kindred share the greatness 
of our own branch of the race. They 




228 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

love, of course, their own land best, just as we do; 
but after America, England. Americans share our 
pride in Shakspere, Milton, and that galaxy of poets 
and writers which has made our common language a 
richer storehouse than the tongues of any people, 
ancient or modern. Even in the nursery, the young 
American is soothed by an English lullaby, or charmed 
by the rhymes and stories of our own infancy. They 
sing to him a " Song o' Sixpence'' — not of twelve cents; 
and Fe-fo-fum even in California smells "the blood 
of an Englishman" in preference to that of a Bostonian. 
The melody of their national anthem "My Country, 'tis 
of Thee" — is that of our own •'■ God Save the Queen;" 
and " The lied. White and Blue" — is as familiar to Uncle 
Sam as it is to ourselves. Dear Dibdin's "Tom Bow- 
ling," heard in the Navy Yard at Annapolis or Wash- 
ington, sounds as well as at Spithead or in the harbour 
at Malta. "Although his body's under hatches, his 
soul has gone aloft!" — gone aloft from many a ship with 
the Stars and Stripes at half-mast. Even at Cam- 
bridge they have a great seat of learning; and Yale 
and Harvard universities — light blue and dark blue — 
have their annual boat-race on the Thames. America 
is in truth Xew England. The history of old England 
is the history of Americans to within recent times. The 
halls and castles that moulder in the damp of England, 
live in pristine grandeur in transatlantic memories. 
Their names are revered and saved from oblivion by 
adoption. Our towns, where the pilgrim forefathers 
first drew breath, are kept green in the memory by 
transplantation of names. Boston or St. Biddulph's 
town in Lincolnshire, is still the acorn-hamlet it was 
two hundred and fifty years ago ; Boston, Massachu- 



STAR-SPANGLED BRITONS. 229 

setts, its offspring, has become a city of world-wide 
renown, and a centre of intellectual activity which has 
made it the Alexandria of the New World. The name 
of Pendleton in the Blue Mountains of Oregon has 
doubtless a home-like ring to some wanderer from the 
banks of the Irwell. May the affection which crystal- 
lizes into forms so beautiful ever endure! May every 
loving thought borne on western breezes to "■ the old 
country/'^ meet another on its way to some kinsman 
across the sea! May the community of blood, language, 
traditions and literature, be strengthened by a com- 
munity of interests, which will bind mother and child 
more closely together than can political bonds ! Per- 
haps in the future, which gives such bright promise to 
the Greater Britain that has grown up beyond sea. Child 
and Mother-land shall stand together as of old — not in 
feudal dependency, but as leading states in the Federa- 
tion of the World. 



230 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 




CHAPTER XVI. 

A FRESH LOOK AT MANIFEST DESTINY. 

" The future of the world belongs to us, to us who are of the 
same blood and language, if we are true to ourselves and to our 
opportunities, not of conquest or aggression, but of commercial 
development and beneficent influence." — Gladstone. 

^HE brilliant future of the Ameri- 
can nation lias probabl}^ furnished 
a text for more patriotic speeches 
than have ever been made out- 
side the Republic. On this glow- 
ing topic the Fourth of July 
orator, ever since the Declaration 
of Independence, has annually got "inebriated with the 
exuberance of his own verbosity" and his country's 
resplendence. Here is an example which for joatriotic 
braggadocio, is probably unparalleled even in America it- 
self. It is a strain of exultation from distant Dakota: 

"Where is all this gigantic growth and development to end? 
Will not the close of our century see all North America, from 
Behring's Strait to the Isthmus of Panama, under one glorious 
free government and tri-colored Hag? Will not the mystical fig- 
ures 'A.D. 1900 ' find us all, Canadians, United Statians, Mexi- 
cans, Guatemalans, and Nicaraguans, brethren and friends and 
fellow-citizens, marching beneath the starry banner of the free and 
the brave, to a grand common destiny of illimitable wealth and 
power and renown? Then shall Columbia's proud pet eagle 
(which is being so numerously and diversifiedly squeezed until he 
squawks to-day), perched upon the loftiest pinnacle-crag of the 



MANIFEST DESTINY. 231 

royal-ore-ribbed Rocky Mountains, spread his cloud-bathed wings 
from the multifloral rainbows and frost wrought splendors of the 
Aurora-Boreal ic realms, to where the billowed sunshine of Hondu- 
rian gulfs chants its ceaseless anthem to shores of everlasting green 
and gold, and trumpet forth in universe-reverberating tones his 
' Cock-a-doodle-Yankee-doodle-doo ' of exultation and defiance to 
all the world and the rest of mankind. Eai'th's two greatest 
oceans, three thousand miles apart, shall roll up in thundering 
oratorio their echo of the high and glad refrain; the mightiest 
gulf and grandest lakes m all creation shall join the chant; river 
after river, huge, rolling floods, shall conspire to swell the giant 
p£Eans; Superior's waves, old Mississippi's torrent, Niagara's misty 
thunders, shall roar it far and wide; the hurricane crashing 
through ten thousand mountain gorges, from the Alleghanies to 
the Cordilleras, from the Adirondacks to the Sierras, shall chime 
it; the raging blizzards, hurling six-inch hailstones on sky-bounded 
Nebraskan plains, shall whistle and rattle it; the catamount shall 
shriek it, the prairie-wolf shall howl it, the lone owlet hoot it, and 
the grizzly bear shall gi'owl it; and the burden of it all shall be* 
'America for Americans! One country, one flag, zwei lager, 
from Greenland's icy mountains to Darien's golden strands! E 
pluribus unum, now, henceforth and forevennore, world without 
end — amen! ' " 

This fervid Yankee obviously mistakes bulk for great- 
ness. Emerson somewhere says that the true test of 
civilization is not the census, nor the size of cities, nor 
the crops, but the kind of man the country produces. 
Judged by this standard a large part of the superficial 
area of the Eepublic, including the western home of the 
orator just quoted, has hardly made such startling pro- 
gress as to justify a universal Luhfjesang. To many 
western territories which surpass in area the most 
civilized countries of the old world. Bishop Heber's 
description of Ceylon and the Ceylonese might be aptly 
applied. 

Stripped of its bombast there is, however, much in 



232 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

the national progress of which America may justly 
feel proud. In material wealth and population her 
advance is marvellous. Ten years of progress in America 
equal twenty years in England, and half a century in 
some other parts of Europe. The wealth of the United 
States has quadrupled in less than thirty years, and 
multiplied sixteen-fold in the memory of persons living. 
As Mulhall shows in his "Balance-sheet of the World," 
the increase of Uncle Sam's wealth since 1850 would 
suffice to buy up the German empire, with its farms, 
cities, banks, shipping, manufactures, Krupp guns and 
millions of conscripts. The annual accumulation has 
been 1G5 million sterling; and therefore each decade adds 
more to the wealth of the United States than the capital 
value of Italy or Spain! Each year witnesses the birth 
of towns which in less than a decade surpass in size, 
wealth and material comforts many old-world cities 
whose names are found on every page of history. Geneva 
is only half the size of Milwaukee; Cleveland is as large 
as Genoa: Duluth, a fifteen -year- old cit}^, exceeds Mecca 
or Jerusalem in population; Venice is not as big as De- 
troit, and Rome is only half the size of Chicago. Tliough 
many persons may consider such comparisons fanciful 
and absurd, it is probable that these young flourishing 
cities of America are destined to exercise as great an in- 
fluence on the history of the World, as any of the ancient 
cities have done. Their power as cities may not be so 
great; their influence may be but that of coiqierating 
units; but they are units of a magnificent Whole, which 
is working out a revolution in political and industrial 
methods more comprehensive than anything that has 
preceded it in time. 

Any forecast concerning America which goes further 



MANIFEST DE8TINT. 233 

forward than ten or twenty years must seem chimerical 
to many people. How would John Adams or Benjamin 
Franklin or George Washington have received a pro- 
phecy which gave a full and clear account of the United 
States in the year 1887: the population swollen to 
twelve times the number they knew; the mile-a-minute 
trains that would cross the then unexplored continent in 
a few days; the material wealth greater than all the 
world had seen before; the six days' sail to Europe in 
mammoth steamships of palatial luxury; the British 
House of Lords rising to honour the American minister; 
and a funeral oration on an ex-president within sound 
of Andre's monument in Westminster Abbey! The 
condition of America in the year 1987 would appear 
equally visionary if described to us to-day. Let us not 
look so far ahead. 

The population of America has repeatedly doubled 
itself in twenty-five years. The census of 1880, how- 
ever, showed that the population was several millions 
short of being double tliat of 1855, or four times that of 
1830. Probably it will never again double itself in so 
short a time. Taking thirty years or even more as the 
period required, it is safe to say that during the lives of 
persons now living, the Republic will count two hun- 
dred million citizens. Even with this enormous popula- 
tion, America will be five times less densely peopled 
than the United Kingdom is now. If ever America 
becomes as thickly peopled as England, the population 
will number 1,785^000,000! 

It is unquestionably the " manifest destiny" of Ameri- 
ca to leave all the nations of the world far behind. She 
has already a greater population than any European 
nation except Russia; and no people increase so rapidly. 



234 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

France has taken one hundred and sixty years to double 
her population, and now she aj)pears to be declining. 
Great Britain multiplies faster than any other Eurojiean 
people; yet she has taken seventy years to double her 
number — nearly three times as long as America. In 
half a century, indeed, America has added to her num- 
bers more than the present population of Great Britain, 
of France, or of Austria! 

Equally marvellous has been her progress in manufac- 
tures. In ten years the aggregate of industries rose 
thirty-five per cent. The actual increase, as stated by 
Mulhall, was 535 million sterling, against 337 million 
of Great Britain. In 1870, American-made steel was 
less than one fourth the quantity made in Germany, and 
less than half that made in France. Ten years later — 
only ten years — she made more tlian France, Germany, 
Austria and Belgium combined! Progress is a word 
which fails to express such an expansion! The manu- 
factures of America now exceed in value those of any 
other nation — even of England, Avhich has hitherto led 
the world. In agriculture, of course, she is without a 
rival. 

And our own branch of the English race — what are 
its industrial achievements? In manufactures we still 
lead the old world in a way that admits of no compari- 
son. Our textile industries have trebled in value in fifty 
years, and our yearly product is two sevenths of the 
world's output. Our cotton industry has trebled in 
thirty years; and while our product is double that of 
the United States, it is nearly four times as great as 
that of any other country, and is more than one third 
of the product of the world. The spindles of the United 
Kingdom are nearly half the total of the world. Of 



MANIFEST DESTINY. 235 

steel we make as much as all the rest of Europe put to- 
gether; and half as much again of iron. More than one 
third of the commerce of the world is ours. In forty-five 
years it bounded from 95 million sterling to 570 million 
sterling. We have acquired more than half the carrying 
trade of the world; and five ships in ten the world over 
fly the union jack. Our tonnage nearly doubled between 
1870 and 1880; and between 1876 and 1885, the increased 
tonnage of British steamships was two million tons — an 
addition equal to twice the entire tonnage of the French 
mercantile navy, after including such small fry as 
fishing-smacks, pilot-boats, and vessels lying ashore! 

During the present century the English in America 
have added to their territory more than three million 
square miles — twice the area of our Indian Empire, 
which suj)ports a population of 250 million. The Eng- 
lish at home have done more. They have taken posses- 
sion of all the choicest parts of the world; so that other 
nations, ambitious to found colonies, have now to take 
jungles and swamps in the torrid zone. The British 
Em]3ire contains nine million square miles — one fifth of 
the habitable globe. Every nationality under the sun 
is represented in this mighty Empire; yet there is no- 
where a single English-speaking community under for- 
eign rule. These sixty-five dependencies have for the most 
part their own governments elected by the people. Each 
is therefore a stronghold of democracy. In New Zealand 
even the native Maoris vote, and they have elected five 
of their race to the House of Representatives. Stated 
briefly, the English race is in possession of one third of 
the habitable world; under its rule lives one fourth of 
the human race; its governments are everywhere con- 
trolled by the people — for even the government of India 



286 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

is subordinate to the democracy at home. In brief, our 
race is supreme in industry, in trade, in agriculture. 
It is by far the most numerous of civilized races; it is 
also the wealthiest; and what is more important, the 
richest in character. It is dominant in the thought of 
mankind; in political methods it is greatly in advance 
of other peoples. In everything which makes a people 
great, the supremacy of the English race is the most 
prominent fact of this age. 

It is in no spirit of vain-glory that I reiterate these 
tokens of English greatness; although I consider them 
a cause for legitimate pride. It is of implications that 
I would speak. These facts are pregnant with a mean^ 
ing Avhich every year's growth of America and England 
makes cletu-er. They indicate the ultimate predomi- 
nance of the English race, with the corollary that 
our language will be the speech of the world. ''AYill 
be," say I? It is already. Not long ago the native 
representatives of China and Japan, during negotiations 
at Tientsin concerning the affairs of Corea, conducted 
their discussions in the English tongue.* Already 
English is the native language of a hundred million 
people — five times as many as at the beginning of this 
century. At present our langaiage is spoken by nearly 
two sevenths of the civilized world. In 1801 thirteen 
Europeans in every hundred spoke English, while 
about twenty spoke French, which was of all Euro- 
pean languages the most used. Now there are but 

* Siiicc UTJting- this an American fiiend from China assures me 
that at this conference, the contribution of the Japanese representa- 
tive to the discussion was (he single expression My hop pacijic. 
The hope for peace concealed in the phrase is decidedly encourag- 
ing. May every extension of our language be accompanied by a 
hop pacific! 



MANIFEST DESTINY. 237 

thirteen French in every hundred to more than twenty- 
seven English. 

At the close of the civil war in America — which has 
so far lost its bitterness that it has come to be spoken 
of simply as "the late unpleasantness" — Napoleon was 
in Mexico. He was there, as he himself said, to assure 
by means of French soldiers "the preponderance of 
France over the Latin races, and to augment the influ- 
ence of these races in America." As soon as Uncle Sam 
had put his house in order, he hinted to Napoleon that 
Mexico was part of America, and came within the oi^er- 
ation of that law formulated by Monroe. The French 
took the hint and left. Mexico has a share in the mani- 
fest destiny of the Republic which a keener man than 
Napoleon recognized. Thirty-five years ago Lucan Ala- 
man, the Mexican statesman and historian, left on 
record the pathetic 'prophecy that the future greatness 
of his country would "not be for the races which now 
inhabit it." Since then the destiny of Mexico has be- 
come more manifest. Her rich valleys and mines have 
tempted southwards thousands of rich Americans, who 
are developing the latent powers of the country. It 
will not be long before Mexico drops into the starry 
group of States. From Mexico it is only a step to Cen- 
tral America, where there will soon be a ship railway of 
primary importance to the Republic. America's au- 
thority has already been asserted and acknowledged in 
Panama. The manifest destiny of the Republic cer- 
tainly includes Mexico and Central America. Then, 
still looking south, it seems impossible that the vast re- 
gions included in the name of South America can re- 
main in the possession of the emasculated Europeans 



238 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

and Latinized half-breeds wlio now live there. Eng- 
land already has a foothold there; great possibilities lie 
in the future. Americans say of an unreasonable man 
that he wants the earth. Without consciously wanting 
it, it seems probable that the English race will get it. 
There is only one continent left for other nations to 
wrangle over; and even of this we have picked out for 
ourselves the choicest bits. The northern boundary of 
the British possessions in South Africa now almost 
reaches the Zambesi. It is barely a generation since this 
river was practically unknown. 

Here let me quote a paragraph from Prof. Fiske's 
little book on American Foliiical Lhuts. It is especial- 
ly interesting to our branch of the English race, as ex- 
pressing the belief of an American in our common 
"manifest destiny." 

•'The work which the English race began when it 
colonized North America is destined to go on until every 
land on the earth's surface that is not already the seat 
of an old civilization shall become English in its lan- 
guage, in its political habits and traditions, and to a 
predominant extent in the blood of its people. The day 
is at hand vfhew four fifths of the human race will trace 
its pedigree to English forefathers, as four fifths of the 
white people in the United States trace their pedigree 
to-day. The race thus spread over both hemispheres, 
and from the rising to the setting sun, will not fail to 
keep that sovereignty of the sea and that commercial 
supremacy which it began to acquire when England first 
stretched its arm across the Atlantic to the shores of 
Virginia and Massachusetts. The language spoken by 
these great communities Avill not be sundered into dia- 
lects like the language of the ancient Romans, but per- 



MANIFEST DESTINY. 239 

petual intercommunication and the universal habit of 
reading and writing will preserve its integrity; and the 
world's business will be transacted by English-speaking 
people to so great an extent, that whatever language 
any man may have learned in his infancy, he will find it 
necessary sooner or later to express his thoughts in 
English. And in this way it is by no means imjjroba- 
ble that, as Grimm the German and Candolle the 
Frenchman long since foretold, the language of Shake- 
speare may ultimately become the language of mankind." 

Returning to our Arithmancy, let us look at shadows 
cast by some events which are not so remote. The 
most conspicuous augury is that American industry, 
free from the most oppressive burdens which feudalism 
has bequeathed to other nations, will outstrip European 
industry just as America is outdistancing everything 
else European. Then in sheer self-defence, the warlike 
nations of the Old World will have to drop militancy 
as a pastime too expensive when starving for food. 
Perhaps the burden of hereditary privilege will be 
dropped at the same time. The first king was only a 
leader in war : with cessation of war, royalty becomes 
not only useless, but detrimental as a profitless burden 
on industry. 

America . is fast becoming the market-garden and 
provision store-house of Europe. Her shipments of 
food are already indispensable to the Old World ; and 
Europe's dependence on the Eepublic will increase. 
Europe must give something in exchange for cargoes 
of wheat, beef, pork, etc. What will she give when 
America not only becomes self-sufficing, but sends her 
cheap manufactures into the neutral markets of the 



240 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

world ? Already her exports are 31 per cent in excess 
of imports. This problem will get more difficult of 
solution as it grows old. America, favoured by great 
natural resources, and untrammelled by military taxa- 
tion or service, free from war debts and from the bur- 
den of royalty and large classes of non-producers, will 
soon undersell the jjroducts of Europe in every market. 
This is the way in which the Western Eepublic 
will join the European concert. Her entry will pro- 
duce greater changes in governmental theory and 
methods than the advent of a political Wagner or a Ber- 
lioz. It may be visionary to speculate how the other 
musicians will receive such an advent. To me only 
one result seems possible : Europe will have to send her 
sons home from the barrack and camp, that in the 
forge and workshop they may take part in a struggle 
keener than that of Waterloo. The contest will be in- 
dustrial. Shuttles, picks and hammers will be the 
weapons. The victory, like that of military encounters, 
will be survival to the fittest ; but the fittest here is the 
one possessing the most efficient and economical indus- 
trial system. 

It is a doubtful question, however, whether the peo- 
ples of Europe will be content to wait until the indus- 
trial contest between themselves and America becomes 
so keen as that described. To the most unobservant 
person it must be growing clear that destructive forces 
of unparalleled magnitude are rapidly accumulating 
under the political systems of Europe. If the process 
continues, there must ere long come a crash that will 
hurl the last remnants of feudalism from the world. 
Hussian Nihilism, like a horrible catacomb of skulls and 



MANIFEST DESTINY. 241 

dead men's bones, forms a subterranean system which 
undermines the empire ; and the eyes of the workl are 
turned, half in hope, in daily expectation of the crash. 
Germany, with her hordes of socialists and hundreds of 
thousands of discontented conscripts, is hardly more 
stable in her political foundations than her northern 
neighbour. France is perpetually simmering with ex- 
citement, and no prediction can say on which side she 
will next boil over, perhaps bringing about the universal 
ebullition that has been so long preparing. In Spain 
plots are rife to overthrow the monarchy and establish 
a republic. In Austria a demand has arisen for a 
ZoIIverein with Germany, which statesmen oppose. 
England has armies of hungry men parading the streets, 
demanding work ; agitations for the abolition of tlie 
lords are becoming more vehement and more frequent ; 
the demands of royalty are received ^nXh growing sul- 
lenness ; and in Ireland we have a jirovince almost in 
rebellion. Turkey is toppling over, and threatens soon 
to fall "bag and baggage" out of 
Europe. Everywhere is unrest. Mil- 
lions of armed men cannot prevent dis- 
content among people who are begin- 
ning to learn that every honest man 
is politically as good as any other man. 
" The divine right of kings to govern 
wrong" is being confronted by the di- 
vine right of the people to govern 
" Letthere be Light:" ^j^g^ggj^gg^ The divinity that did 

hedge a king, nov: hedges 1dm in. The knell of kings 
and nobles was rung a hundred years ago by the cracked 
bell which now hangs mute in the old Liberty Hall 
at Philadelphia ; and its reverberations have not ceased 
16 




242 UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 

to be heard in Europe. Did Victor Hugo not speak 
aright when he said, '' It is the third gate of Barbarism 
— the monarchical gate — which is closing at this moment. 
The Nineteenth Century liears it rolling on its hinges."' 
Some time ago a democratic paean in an English 
newspaper was flashed across the Atlantic, to show the 
sympathizing Republic how sentiment is tending to 
complete democracy in the old country. The occasion 
was the quiet return to private life of the late President 
of the United States, and the inauguration of his suc- 
cessor. Here is a ringing verse from the psean: 

" Hear this, ye kings with your tawdry crowns, ye dukes and 
earls with your tinsel coronets, ye Lords of the Bedchamber and 
Gold Sticks in Waiting with your salaries drawn from the hard- 
earned wages and slender resources of the thrifty poor — salaries 
paid to you for no service productive of good to the public, but 
only for playing the flunky and the fool ! Is it not time, O patient 
English democracy, for us to open our eyes and 
take counsel of our wiser children? The money 
wasted over the pomp and pageantry of courts 
is spent in bolstering up the pretensions of 
rank and birth. Would it not be better spent 
in feeding the poor and teaching the ignorant?" 

Every European who works for his 
bread, and by his labour contributes to 
maintain the hereditary drones of his 
nation, will sympathize in heart with this outburst. 
He may doubt whether the present be an opportune 
moment for throwing oif the incubus; but it is clear to 
him as noonday, if he is keeping pace with the age, that 
a tremendous change is needful and imminent. The 
labourers of Europe are terribly overtasked; and in com- 
petition with the industrial system of the Western Re- 
public, the pressure is soon to become insupportable. 




A FRESH LOOK AT MANIFEST DESTINY. 243 

There is one aspect of this question of sjjecial interest 
to Englishmen — an aspect often overlooked by royalists 
and republicans at home and abroad. '"' The men who 
make kings are not subjects/"' said the French chamber of 
Louis PhilipiJe. So too we Englishmen, who can end the 
monarchy in three hours by repealing the Act of Settle- 
ment, cannot logically be classed as subjects. If any 
one is a subject in England, it is surely the monarch, 
who is subject to the will of the people. Even the 
President of the Republic cannot be displaced by the 
people as promptly as can our own monarch. 

John Bright, " England's greatest Commoner and 
America's staunchest friend," whose name is revered in 
every home on both sides of the Atlantic, lately said: 
" I am satisfied that if it were possible for England and 
France and Germany and Austria and Russia and Italy 
to abolish the tariffs and let commerce flow freely, it 
would be beyond the possibility of King or Queen or 
Czar or Kaiser or Statesmen of any rank to bring those 
nations to war." 

If the industrial capacities of Europe are tried in 
competition with America to the extent expected, free 
trade will become absolutely imperative. The federa- 
tion of the nations of Euro]3e will then follow as " the 
night the day" — or more correctly, as the day the 
night. Come, happy day I Mankind has suffered long 
and silently. Let feudalism follovi- slavery I 

Though this end may be too remote to have any im- 
mediate interest for the passing generation, those who 
believe in the ultimate triumph of democracy over privi- 
lege and legalized wrong, who cherish the thought that 
industrialism is destined to conquer militancy, that feu- 
dalism must ultimately give way to federalism, can rejoice 



244 



UNCLE SAM AT HOME. 



that the tendencies of the age are towards the emancipa- 
tion of the race, once and forever. To hasten on this 
change is America's " manifest destiny" — maybe, by 
such prosaic means as underselling Europe in the world's 
markets. Her statue of Liberty enlightening the 
World is more than a gigantic toy: it is the symbol of her 
mission to mankind. 8he has a nobler function among 
nations than the invention of labour-saving 
machines or caterer of provisions. She 
stands a living example to the suffering 
democracies of the old world. Liberty is 
enlightening the World. Attempts to ar- 
rest its influence will be as vain as Canute's 
imperious command to the tide. Those 
who believe in the everlasting principle of 
Progress may hear without dismay the 
trumpet-blast 

" That shakes old systems with a thunder-fit. 
The time is ripe, and rotten ripe, for change; 
Then let it come: I have no dread of what 
Is called for by the instinct of mankind." 




THE END. 



A FOETJN^IGHT IN HeAVEIST: 

AN UNCONVENTIONAL ROMANCE. 



By Harold Brydges. 



l2mo, Cloth, $1.25. 



OPINIONS OF THE PRESS. 

"An instructive picture.''— Saturday Review, London. 

" Those who have a wish to be amused should read it.''— Queen, London. 

"A clever and entertaining boo^."—Scotsman, Edinburgh. 

"Very ingenious and amusing."— Manchester Examiner. 

"A very unique yvork."— Glasgow Herald. 

" A book perfectly original in every way, and we can compliment the 
author upon the clever manner in which he has handled some of the most 
difficult problems of the present day. "—iris/i Times, Dubliu. 

A "rattling sociopolitical romance. "—iVeiu York Times. 

"His lecture on mundane affairs is a clever, concise statement of con 
spicuous political and social difficulties."— 27ie Evening Post, New York. 

"He speaks in a brilliant, happy tone of common-sense, mixed with 
humor and sarcasm, on questions of the day, local politics, anarchism, labor 
troubles, science and art." — Book Chat, Boston. 

"It is equally clever and biting in its sarcasm. Its humor, though verg- 
ing sometimes upon the extravagant, is keen and genuine; and the book 
shows cai-eful thought and a deep understanding of the themes that form 
its staple, and which it treats with such grotesque imaginings. The hero 
of the story is one Captain Grizzle, who is possessed of a second self, which 
wanders spiritually from planet to planet and notes the various social 
systems of the universe. There is a delightful mingling of the sublime and 
the ridiculous, of lofty thought and the commonplace in his experiences; 
and the quiet, grim wit that seasons the whole is indescribably diverting. 
The subject to which it is all devoted was never set forth more clearly or 
more impressively, despite the comical aspects in which it is presented."— 
Boston Gazette. 



"A clever brochure which shows what might become of us all if the Henry 
Georges aud other fanatics could have their way and the government 
should regulate every affair of the people. It is only by such a reductio ad 
absurdum that the mooney theories of our modern half-educated sptculiUors 
in social matters can be properly dealt with."— i/rtr</ord Courant. 

" Tliere is a good deal in this little book that will bear careful pondering by 
serious persons, notwithstanding its sensational title and unconventional 
treatment. Through the clear atmosphere of the upper region is professedly 
observed this lower world with its follies, insincerities, extravagances, 
social and political conventionalities and injustice, and the view is con- 
fessedly a startling one. The author looks at facts without flinching, and 
reports what he sees in ai original style. Clear insight, good-humored 
satire, sharp criticism, and vigorous and pungent statement mark the 
volume, which is one way of directing public attention to very serious 
matters."— r/ie Churchman, New York. 

"Who is Harold Brydges? Any one who reads the decidedly unconven- 
tional romance with the striking title, 'A Fortnight in Heaven,' will 
ask this question again and again. But Harold Brydges is, at any rate, an 
uimsually clever Englishman, with a notable style, flashing forth on every 
page of his fantastic story brilliants on brilliants of the keenest sarcasm, 
the sanest wisdom, the most bewitching humor. . . . The book is one long, 
brilliantly sarcastic redxictio ad absurdum of the argument for government 
interference in all the relations of life, and a consequent plea in this novel 
fashion for certain things w^ich would undoubtedly tend towards the long- 
sought golden age of peace. . . . For swelling and tumultuous, yet restrained, 
expression of sarcasm and irony, there is nothing in recent hterature that 
excels the speech on ' Earth as Seen from Heaven ' and the sermon on 
'Humanity's Golden Age,' in this volume. Here are jewels strung on 
golden cords and waving under the sunlight in a Grecian wind. To be suie^ 
there is more head than heart in the book. It must be read in a critical 
spirit, and with alertness of intellect. But it is alive with suggestion and 
rich with illustration, and is one of those rare volumes that will be perused 
at a single sitting. And then will arise the question, ^Vho is Harold 
Brydgas'!"— Boston Advertiser. 



Henry Holt & Co., New York. 

SAMPSON LOW, MARSTON & CO., London. 



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